We Teach People How to Treat Us...

These words kept running through my mind tonight after a phone conversation with my best friend.  She's been dating a guy since May that she met while I was in Texas.  I haven't had a good gut feeling about this guy.  Can't tell you why it was so in the beginning, but I certainly know why now.  He's incredibly jealous.  I would argue, abusively so.  

Over the past few weeks incidences have  popped up that have demonstrated an increasing level of jealousy on his part.  My friend would try to explain that he was this way because he'd been cheated on before, but I didn't buy it.  I was tired of seeing her punished because of what someone else had supposedly done to this guy.  On average, he was a dream boyfriend to her. Treats her daughter like a princess, (in my suspicious opinion, because he knew this was the quickest way to her heart).  Held hands with her, gave her money for groceries.  Took her on dates.  Was just an average joe, but very loving and devoted to her.  And then one night we were headed to Bible study of all things, and his behavior became unusual.  He wouldn't talk to her, said he didn't want to ride home from McDonald's with her, and proceeded to walk away.  We sat through the evening and I could see her mind was not present at the study.  She told me on the way home, "I hope he's not angry that I'm going to Bible study."  I almost laughed.  I wondered how in the world someone would be jealous of someone going to study the bible with other women.  What did he think really went on there?

But she was right.  Later that evening he told her he didn't want her to go anymore.  They got in a small argument and she told him she would be going every Thursday just as she always does.  He was not happy about it, but I guess didn't feel he had any power over the situation.  
 
Over the next few weeks, I saw less and less of my friend.  She canceled on me frequently, but that's not really out of the ordinary because we both have mood disorders and don't always feel up to hanging out together as scheduled.  However, I was seldom seeing her.  A few more incidences arose where he was upset about how she spent her time, and after he grew upset at her for not taking a phone call and wanted to trade phones with her for a week, I finally just told her that I don't like him and I have a hard time being around him because of how he is treating her.  I told her she is my dearest friend, and I can only see him hurting her.  She said she understood but that the good parts were still worth more than the bad.  I couldn't understand that, but said I would continue to be here for her as I always have. 

Today she finally "saw the light" (her words, not mine).  She realizes how controlling and, well, abusive it is really getting.  I asked her if it could get to a violent point.  She says she doesn't think so but then again, who really knows?  She is going to try to keep up the courage to tell him its over.  I hope with all my hopes that she can do this.  

I guess the saying "We teach people how to treat us" is a Dr. Phil quote.  Whoever said it, I agree wholeheartedly.  If we allow someone to treat us less than fairly, we are teaching them that it is okay to keep doing it.  My friend is a gorgeous, sweet, intelligent woman.  Men are going to look at her from time to time because it's natural.  Men are going to notice her.  I am going to want to spend time with her, because we're friends.  She told me tonight she's only been allowed to see me when he's at work. I knew that.  We didn't have movie nights anymore, we didn't hang out just out of the blue.  I may not have known he'd forbidden it, but I knew in my heart of hearts he had established a certain time schedule for our friendship.  And by going with it she was teaching him that it was okay.

I love her dearly, and the only reason I haven't liked him was because I knew he would hurt her.  A tiny part of me didn't want to be the one left to clean up the mess.  But the biggest part of me didn't want to see her heart broken, and inevitably that's happened.  I see so many women go through this.  It's always a reminder to me that we do indeed teach people how to treat us.  When we don't - no, when I don't - stand up for myself, I teach people that it's okay to walk all over me.  And it's not.  It's very hard to stand up for myself sometimes, but the more I do it, the better it feels, and the easier it gets, over time.  I'm glad this is a lesson I'm learning now, and I hope it's a lesson my friend can learn, too, because she's worth so much more than she believes she is.  We all are.