Meds or Madness?

The most frustrating part of having bipolar disorder has been the repetitive cycle of trying different medications and having to wait a minimum of six weeks for most to even begin to work.  Psychiatric medications are abundant, and each medication family has it's benefits and a seemingly endless list of potential side effects, many of which are none too benign.  Some drugs that provide the most help to bipolar patients can also be the most toxic to us, so routine bloodwork and other testing is often necessary to ensure that patients don't become physically ill from their psychiatric medications.  

Psychiatrists blend together countless medications to create the perfect concoction for each patient.  Often, we patients end up with drugs that are prescribed only to offset the side effects of other drugs. It creates a domino effect of sorts that can lead to patients taking a shocking amount of medications each day. 

Psychiatric medications must be taken at certain times throughout the day, depending on the drug and the needs of the patient.  Some patients take drugs three to six times a day.  Some people, like me, take some drugs first thing in the day and then other drugs at the end of the day.  Patients find all sorts of reminders to help them keep up with their dosing schedules.  Some of us use medication trays labeled with days of the week and times of the day.  I put reminders in my calendar on my cell phone so it will beep to tell me it's time to take my meds.  There are also med trays with alarms built in. Some people have a friend call them, or they set a regular alarm in the house.  Orchestration of a med schedule can be a major task for some psychiatric patients. 

Then the side effects.  I've had them all.  Everything from weight gain, anxiety, nausea, muscle twitching, headaches, sexual dysfunction, appetite suppression, irritability an on and on.  Sometimes I would manipulate my meds.  I would take them at certain times, or not take them at certain times.  I would learn how each one affected me and I would adjust dosing schedules myself so as not to have to pay for a trip to the doctor's appointment.  (This is NOT something I would encourage anyone to do!!!)

I have resented my meds at times, and I have been deeply grateful for them, too.  I curse the way they make me feel sometimes, and at other times I am so glad they help me get out of bed.  I grow dismayed at the way they stunt my creativity, but I appreciate that they give me focus.  It's truly a mixed bag when it comes to meds. 

I've had people tell me, "Oh, you should just get off those meds.  You'd feel so much better."  Or, "You're just using those meds as a crutch.  You could do this on your own."  I used to get angry at such insults, but now I just realize those persons don't understand mental illness.  I doubt those same people would make those remarks so a cancer patient receiving chemo or a diabetic using insulin.  And yes, there are folks out there who do not believe in medications and pharmaceutical intervention and they are entirely welcome to their opinions, but as for me, I know that I will rely on psychiatric medications for the rest of my life unless a better alternative for treatment or cure of bipolar disorder is discovered.  And I'm okay with that.  I haven't always been okay with it.  There are still days when I don't want to take my meds.  There are days when I skip them altogether.  But most often I am glad that I have found a combination that works well for me. 

In two weeks I will see my doctor to tweak my medications.  I need help in a couple of areas and I am having trouble controlling my weight because of a certain medication.  However, the medication works so well in the area that it is prescribed for, that I will take the risk of the weight gain before I quit taking the med.  It's a pro/con sort of situation.  Which outweighs the other?  

Meds, for many, many people are a simple way to manage an illness.  For some people, medications are an enemy of sorts.  For others, meds are seldom given a second thought.  I find it interesting how my relationship with medications changes as I become more settled with the notion of psychiatric illness and treatment.  The medication element is certainly a very important part of the journey to mental health.