Living Life Without Distractions...

I am a multitasker master.  At any given moment I may be listening to a program on television, searching the web on a topic of interest, checking email, updating Facebook, and chatting with my husband.  I love to do ten things at once; otherwise, I sometimes seem bored.  I especially like my hands to be busy. I can't just watch TV.  I have to be doing needlepoint, surfing online, or crafting.  While I sometimes think I am accomplishing a great deal, I know deep down that my love of multitasking is really my way of remaining detached.  If I am not giving my full attention to a situation, there is less risk of my emotional involvement.  


In treatment in Texas, we were purposely isolated from any activities that might distract us. We were told to sit with our feelings and to experience them.  I still haven't fully grasped this.  Even though I had no TV, radio, Internet, phone, cell phone or other media to distract me, I just dove into my writing projects to occupy my time.  In part this was very beneficial, because it meant I got what I was supposed to get from those assignments, and it kept my case manager happy.  However, I found yet  another way of avoiding feelings by keeping busy.  I haven't figured out how to just sit with my feelings and experience them, and it is continuing to affect me in many aspects of my life.  


I don't like feeling detached, yet feeling feelings is really tough stuff.  One of my main coping skills in life has been to avoid feeling and just go through the motions.  I thought it was a very good coping mechanism for a long time, because I thought it meant I wasn't getting hurt.  That was a lie to myself.  It prevented me from healing and I was not able to experience so much of my life in a normal way.  Yes, I didn't hurt, but I also stopped experiencing joy and contentment. 

I have to learn to slow down, to experience the sensory input, and to do one thing at a time.  I also must find a way to sit with my feelings  - to really feel them, express them, and then put them where they belong so I can move on in a healthy manner.  This is what I'm currently working on.  Until I experience the not so good, I also won't experience the great.