After a fifteen month break I am headed back to work (part-time). It's a little bit nerve-wracking and a whole lot of exciting all at once. I never thought I would be excited to go to work, and maybe after a day or two it will wear off, but for now I am very grateful at the prospect of it.
When I decided not to go back to work it was both a relief and a tremendous burden. I was in such a dark place at the end of last summer. I had such doubts about myself, and my ability to do a good job. I had endured conflict with a coworker whom in retrospect I should have filed a complaint against, and it had eaten me up for months. I had anxiety through the roof. I used to have panic attacks daily when I taught, and even as a paraprofessional I often had major anxiety on the way to work, the weekends, and late in the evening. I didn't enjoy my time off because I was already worried about going back to work. I know everyone dreads work sometimes, but the intensity of the anxiety that I had exceeded the normal range. It impeded my ability to do my job and do it well.
Logically, I knew that I was capable of doing my job. I knew that I was competent, responsible, eager to please, and all in all a good employee. However, I allowed one person to trigger within me that self-critical, never-ending voice in my ear that whispered that I might not be good enough. My therapist and psychiatrist agreed that it would not be a bad idea for me to take a break from work, but they both emphasized I had too many talents to stay away from work for long, and we all agreed that within a year, I should be back to work.
I'm a couple months behind on the one year mark, but my six weeks in Texas caused a small kink in my plans. I decided on substituting for several reasons. Although my certification to teach is secondary (7th -12th grade), teenagers are brutal. Even a person with a great deal of self-confidence and several years of teaching background is regularly challenged by teenagers. My 6 months teaching is a whole other story, but lets just say I survived by the slightest of margins. I loved my work with the younger kids, K-3, but sometimes the content gets mighty dull and repetitive. I mean, how many ways can you teach letters and numbers before you're just sick to death of it? So, I am not sure teaching in the public school is for me, but I do love (most) of the kids.
I also knew going back to work would be a major challenge, even though I am in a really good place. I wanted something flexible, and thought about temping, but that can be very stressful (been there, done that, too). I really wanted to work with the kids again, so I thought I would sub at the elementary level. That way, if I'm having a rough day (or week), I just don't take a job for that period of time. It's flexible but dependable - exactly what I need.
I briefly mentioned in my post Forgiveness... that in America, so much of who we are is our work. We are often asked "What do you do?" and we are often judged and valued by the answer to that question. It was embarrassing to try to answer that question in my fifteen month hiatus. I felt ashamed that I had no legitimate "excuse" for not working - nothing that I wanted to talk about freely, anyways. I had no children at home to care for. Kyle and I certainly could have used the income that I would have made doing any job. It was not an easy decision not to go to work. I felt like I was letting everyone down.
I felt guilty, too, because I had just celebrated the completion of my work for my Masters Degree. I now had an advanced degree, and I actually felt even more incapable of doing the most mundane tasks. I felt like a fraud, and I knew that at any moment my "true" character would be discovered. Not going back to work was hiding in a lot of ways.
I had to weigh the pros and cons against one another. I felt tremendous relief at not having to go to work and be around other people all the time, but I felt tremendous guilt at the same time for not providing for my family, feared that I would be deemed "lazy" or "selfish", and ashamed to explain to friends and family why I wasn't working after spending thousands on two degrees.
I have some anxiety tonight about returning to work, but more than that I feel the good anxiety. Those tiny butterflies of excitement that let you know you're in for a good thing. Subbing will be tough sometimes, but it will also mean interacting with others, bringing home a paycheck of my own (important for my sense of independence and self-confidence), some peace at catching up on some bills, (but knowing something else will happen that will cost us...hang in there furnace!) I'm looking forward to seeing the kiddos that I began working with five years ago as Kindergartners, now in fourth grade. I haven't seen them since their second grade year.
Mostly I'm happy that emotionally, physically, mentally, and in every other respect I am doing so well right now. I wake up every day looking forward to the day, and I think mornings are gorgous. I used to hate them. I used to not want to face them. Some days I didn't. I will still have those days, but now they are outnumbered, and the odds are in my favor.
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