The treatment center I went to emphasizes the twelve step program. I'm not 100% confident in the 12 step program, but I found ways to appreciate the nuggets of wisdom that the program has to offer. After all, it has helped thousands of people. When I arrived at the center, I was given a huge binder and lots of blank notebook paper. I wrote a lot. The first assignment was called the "First Step Prep", and I wrote in depth (and I do mean, in-depth) papers on each of my addictions. My three primary issues were overeating, overspending, and codependency, so I had to write a first step prep on each. First steps tend to be up to 15 pages front and back. They prepared me to master the first of the twelve steps:
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol (or food, spending, etc)—that our lives had become unmanageable.
In the first step prep papers, I addressed every possible aspect of each of my addictions. I talked about how each one started, as well as the influence of money, food or codependency in my childhood. I discussed the ways the adults in my life used money and food. I talked about how I always felt "less than", in regards to being poor or not having the same clothes, body, etc. that I thought everyone else had. I talked about how broke we were when I was growing up, and how for a long time food had a way of filling up the void inside of me. I talked about how broke I was in college, but how I managed to make it on a very tiny income. I talked about how when I first got married Kyle had to force me to spend money on myself, compared to the way it is now where I have to give Kyle my debit card and ask him to hide it from me.
These first step preps allowed me to look at the history of each one of my addictions and discover where they came from, how they manifested, and how they are remarkably connected. It's amazing how all three are linked to one another. They feed off of each other, and they make it that much harder to overcome because the minute I subdue one, another rears its ugly head.
I read these first step preps during family week. They provide family members insight into the way these addictions control my life. I become so preoccupied with my addictions that I can't focus on anything or anyone else. I spend an enormous amount of energy trying to juggle so many aspects of my life to make room for the addictions. I try to eke out extra dollars from Kyle's paycheck to pay for that pair of shoes I have to have. Meanwhile, I try to figure out how to pay for that $20 copay from a doctor appointment. Research shows that those with addictions tend to have a high level of intelligence. One would have to in order to keep all the balls in the air in the addiction juggling act. Worse yet, addicts are a secretive bunch. I don't know how to ask for help. I'm ashamed of what I've done. That shame fuels the fire. I keep doing it to try to avoid the shame. It's a vicious circle.
I also read my first step preps in group, and I received feedback from other people. So many of us can relate to what another writes. We can't believe how similar our lives are, regardless of which addiction we are there for treatment for. It doesn't matter what it is, the effects of them are almost always the same. Our lives unravel bit by bit as we try to maintain normalcy in the midst of chaos. Life has truly become unmanageable, but we fail to see it right away. Sometimes it takes months, even years. Sometimes it means that we got divorced, nearly died, or lost everyone important to us. Some of us reach a darker bottom before we surrender and ask for help. Some of us come to treatment thinking we hit bottom, but we will hit bottom again and again before we heal. These first step preps help us realize that we indeed need help - that what we're doing is not working, and that we are powerless in and of ourselves in solving the problems that are slowly killing us.
Step one is acknowledged over and over again. It's not a one time deal. Some of us believe we are powerless for a short time, and then take back control thinking that somehow, this time will be different. Our repeated history of crashing and burning isn't enough sometimes to shock us into acceptance that we may not know what is best for us, but it is enough to sometimes point us in the right direction.
When I went to Texas I knew that my life had become unmanageable, and that I was powerless over food and spending. I knew I didn't have the answers, and I sure hoped that someone else did. The 12 steps are revisited again and again, so it's not possible to move down the list, checking each step off and feeling that I am all done with each one. Sometimes I have to revisit the same step time and time again, in the same day or month or year. I have to remind myself that I don't have to have the answers. This is a really hard lesson for those of us who have been very independent and self-reliant. It can be really difficult to ask for help. At times it's impossible, which is why I ended up in as deep a mess as I did.
I'm finding that I do believe there is a sort of power in admitting powerlessness. I love the irony in this. I feel stronger when I admit I don't have the willpower or strength I think I should. It's incredibly empowering to admit my limitations, but more importantly, it's a relief to know I am not required to have all the answers. I can hope that someone else knows better. That's a huge burden lifted from my shoulders that used to weigh me down everyday. Now I know that it's okay to need help. And it's easier to ask for it, too.
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