When "Helping" Hurts...

I've mentioned before the loneliness that mental illness brings.  Unlike other illnesses where family and friends draw close to support and offer comfort, mental illnesses such as bipolar disorder can alienate people who aren't sure how to help.  Even those people who stay close may struggle to find the best way to offer comfort.  I can't tell you how many times people such as myself have been told to "buck up" or "pull yourself up by your bootstraps".  

There is something to be said for keeping a positive attitude, and an attitude of gratitude, and for "choosing to be happy", but mental illness is not the result of the person being ungrateful or not trying hard enough to be happy.  Quite often, people who are trying to "help" actually add insult to injury.  Interactions in such circumstances may result in the bipolar sufferer actually withdrawing more, further convinced that no one could possibly understand what he/she is going through.  Borrowed from healthyplace.com as well as personal experience, here are just a few of the worst phrases to utter to a person who is struggling with mental illness:

• You just need to give yourself a kick in the rear.  
• It's all in your mind. 
• No one ever said life was fair. 
• I thought you were stronger than that. 
• Stop feeling sorry for yourself. 
• There are a lot of people far worse off than you.  
• You have it so good, why aren't you happy. 
• You have so many things to be thankful for.  Why are you so depressed? 
• Happiness is a choice. 
• You should get off all those pills. 
• Have you been praying/reading the bible?
• You don't look depressed!
• Are you sure it's not just "that time of the month?"
• You're only hurting yourself.
• Snap out of it. 
• Just stop thinking about it.
• You just need a man/woman.
• You just need some perspective

Most people really just want to fix the problem, and while that good intention is sweet, the reality is, no one can "fix" a  mental illness anymore than one can fix cancer or diabetes.  So instead of offering the above "advice", instead offer some of these more compassionate comforts.

• I love you. 
• You're not alone.
• Do you want a hug?
• I'll still be here when this is all over. 
• I am sorry you are in so much pain.  
• You are important.  
• I can't imagine how hard this must be.

If nothing else, simply listen.  Most of us who are struggling with mental illness really just need someone to listen and try to understand.  We don't want advice, we want understanding and the freedom to feel what we are feeling.  This is what I love about my new depression and bipolar support group.  We are a group of people who have come together because we need a place where we can be honest about what we are facing.  Some folks who come need to vent and release built up anger and pain.  Others ask for advice as they navigate the full implications of a new diagnosis.  Some want to offer the wisdom they've gained through their personal struggles.  Others still want to know how they can make it through this scary, uncharted territory.  


We all need someone who can just listen without saying a word sometimes.  When I want advice I ask for it.  It's harder, though, to ask for a hug when I'm hurting for no "apparent" reason.  It's hard to explain that I couldn't get to work because the task of removing myself from bed was too daunting; too exhausting.  It is excruciating for me to be in a crowded room of people and feel more alone than ever.  If just one person can sit down beside me, though, and lend an ear and a pat on the back, the prospect of facing tomorrow is just a little bit easier.