Making Up My Mind...

I have an incredibly difficult time making up my mind these days.  I have always been the sort of person who has to mull ideas over.  I love lists.  Pro and con lists are especially useful. I have always been the sort of girl who thinks through the process to the consequences at the end, and evaluate which risk is best.  I can "what if" better than anyone I know.  This is why I ended up with far fewer encounters with the ping pong paddle my mom wielded as punishment when my brother and I were growing up.  Unfortunately, my brother didn't share my "think things through" philosophy, and his backside was more intimately aware of the paddle.  

While there is obviously a number of positive aspects of being so conscious of potential problems or loss, it's also clear that too much thinking is too much of a good thing.  (Hmmm...I could write a pro-con list of the pros and cons of...er, nevermind.  Where was I?)

Too much "what if-ing" can really paralyze a person.  When I sit here and think of the million and one things that might happen, and the billion things that will surely happen, I get REALLY overwhelmed.  It's all too much and my head wants to explode and I can't figure out what to do because around every turn there is a boogey-man who wants to screw me over and no matter where I go to try to avoid him, another sword swinging monster surfaces.


I'm telling you, it's paralyzing.  

I used to be much clearer on what I wanted for myself, for my life.  Now all that is a bit blurrier, and because I am not so focused, making decisions is harder.   I deliberate for days.  God forbid I end up on a jury someday - we'll surely be a hung jury because I won't be able to make up my mind.  Of course, I do watch an uncommon amount of Dateline and Forensic Files, so I might do better than I think I will. 


The foolproof methods for decision making that I used to use aren't so helpful anymore.  These days, I tend to journal a great deal when I need to make a decision.  I  come back to it several times across a few days time span and reread what I've written hoping to glean some little piece of important writing in there that shows me where I should go.  Somehow the subconscious peaks through in journal writing that is stream of consciousness.   It's the voice I rarely allow myself to listen to, so if it gets a chance to put its thoughts down on paper, I will be more likely to "hear" it.  


The bigger the decision is, the tougher it is for me to decide.  Sometimes I just throw up my hands and say, "I'm sick of thinking about this.  Whatever happens, happens."  That is a big move for me because I'm a little big control freak and I like organized plans and goals.  

Life, however, is not something that can be completely planned to the minute, and that drives me crazy.  Life often has its own course.  I have to trust myself enough to know that whatever decision I make will be the right one; the best decision under the circumstances with the given information.  And, in the long run, it really will be ok.  


At least, that's what I keep trying to tell myself.