Frustrations...

I'm sure I've discussed before the frustration I experience with the constant medication changes.  Unlike many health conditions where the doctor runs a simple blood test to determine the avenue of treatment, most mental health conditions require a great deal of trial and error to find the perfect concoction of medications and treatment.  Most mental health professionals agree that the best path for treatment consists of both cognitive behavioral therapy and the use of medications.  Therapy allows for the recognition of behavior patterns in our lives that affect us negatively OR keep us stuck in a way of doing things that is detrimental for our health.  The medications treat the chemical part of the illness.  

I have consistently gone to therapy for about six years now, with an absence in there of about six months when I moved back to Wyoming and got married.  I have recognized so many behavior patterns and elements in my life that contribute to my depression.  Therapy has been essential in helping me find out more about myself and having insight into my life.  I have a very hard time admitting to my faults because my perfectionist tendencies make me want to do everything perfect.  For a long time I was in denial about some things, and I was extremely defensive.  Some parts of my life are still in great need of work, and other parts have changed completely.  Therapy is not easy, but for me, I have been so much more open minded about therapy than I have about medications. 

When I first began medications I was put on Prozac.  Because Prozac was one of the first meds on the market for depression, it is probably the most well-known and therefore the most stereotyped mental health medication.  I thought myself weak for having to take a medication.  Why couldn't I just "pull myself up by the bootstraps" and get over it all?  I hated admitting to anyone that I was on it, and only my health-care professionals and my mom and dad and brother knew I was on it.  And they didn't find out until months after I started it.  It did nothing to improve my moods, but I was too ashamed to admit it.  I thought I must be soooo weak if something so well-known to treat depression wasn't helping.  So I didn't tell anyone that it wasn't doing me any good. 

Accepting that I need medications to make it through each day, and probably will for the rest of my life, has never been easy for me to deal with.  I finally had to liken my depression, and later my bipolar disorder, to any other health impairment that might require lifelong treatment - diabetes, cholesterol, etc.  I had to tell myself over and over that it was no different than needing medications for any other reason.  It took years for me to accept this.  And there are still days when I think to myself how much I hate being dependent on a handful of pills. 

I'm currently in the midst of another trial and error process of finding the right medications.  The other frustrating part of treating mental illness is that the magical cocktail that is finally found may only work temporarily.  At some point, more than likely, we end up going through the process again to find the right meds.  Sometimes we build up a tolerance to the meds, or the chemicals change, hormones change, etc., so what worked before may not work any longer.  

It's an expensive process.  I'm starting two to three new meds a month, paying about $20 in copays per medication.   Waiting four to six weeks to see if it will work.  When it doesn't, the medication gets discontinued, and often, wasted.  Time, money and medications are all part of the prices I pay for mental health treatment.  And have I mentioned how FRUSTRATING this is?  

I am basically letting off steam today, but also making a point that mental health treatment is not easy.  The commercials make it look like you start the med today and tomorrow you are running in fields of flowers with your children in tow.  Sorry, but it's not even close to that easy.