How Do You Refer to Yourself?

One common thread I've noticed among those living with mental illness is that they often refer to themselves as their psychological disorder.  Countless times I have heard people say, "I'm bipolar" or "I'm schizo".  It is an interesting aspect of mental illness that I haven't seen on other medical problems.  I've never met someone who has said, "I'm cancer" or "I'm heart disease".  It was brought to my attention yet again this week when I received my newsletter from www.healthyplace.com.  The article addresses the way that this tendency adds to the stigma of mental health.  A big movement in the disability field is a "people first" movement.  It is emphasized in education courses where we are encourage to put the student first, then the label.  Instead of saying "handicapped child", we should say "child who has a handicap".  

As the article emphasizes, it is important to change the way we use our psychological disorder to label ourselves.  It would be better to say, "I have a condition called...".  By saying "I am bipolar", I also do a disservice to other bipolar patients, because our experiences are so very different.  When I say "I am bipolar", those who do not fully understand the condition will define bipolar based on my experience, based on the characteristics I exhibit and the behaviors I engage in.  Everyone's experience is as unique as our fingerprints.  Not one of us is the poster child for the disorder. 

I can see how people like myself come to define themselves by their illnesses.  Like cancer or diabetes, not a day goes by when we are not reminded of our disorder several times.  Each time we step out the door into the light, each time we swallow a handful of pills, each morning when we wake up and lie in bed waiting to see how today "feels", we are reminded.  Because it is so ever-present in our lives, we can't forget it.  It can be an excuse, an explanation, or a reason.  Most of us fail to address those explanations, though.  We know that our mental health and mental illnesses are not looked at the same way as cancer or heart disease.  When we're tired, lethargic, dread being around people, or just overall sad, we are told to "buck up".  No one would tell a chemo patient to "buck up".  We would tell a chemo patient to go home, rest, and take all the time you need to get better.  And we would want to know what we could do to help. 

Being told to "buck up" doesn't help.  At all.  It serves only to make us feel weaker, lazier, less worthy than many of us already do.  

Labeling ourselves doesn't only happen with regard to our health.  Many people label themselves by what they do for a living, or by sexual orientation, etc.  Whatever labels we use to define ourselves need to be carefully thought through.  Does the label truly define the most important parts of ourselves?  Does it serve to enlighten, or does it serve to give an excuse?  Does is make us proud, or does it make us ashamed?  

I have a hard time getting the words out of my mouth to say "I'm bipolar" or "I have a condition called bipolar disorder".  I am still very uncomfortable with the label myself.  I didn't believe I could be bipolar.  I couldn't be that.  When I think about the ways I interpreted the illness based on extreme examples, I realized that, like any illness, I am just as susceptible to be affected by it as the next guy.  Knowing that it's often biological and hereditary helps me a little. It lets me know that not all of it is in my control.  And the part that is in my control is being addressed through medications and psychotherapy.  

I've had to come to the realization that, realistically, I am dealing with an illness that will be with me the rest of my life.  I will, in all probability, be on medications for the rest of my life.  As brain chemicals change, and as hormones change, my meds will have to change.  I will never know how long my "remissions" will last, or how long it will take next time to find the right combination. 

I will always be bipolar, but hopefully that will not be my legacy.  I hope I can reach a point where I can say it loud, say it proud, as just one other aspect of what makes me, me.  But hopefully I will be so much more than my illness.  Hopefully, people who eventually learn of my bipolar disorder will be amazed because they would never have known it by my behavior.  Hopefully, people will know of my achievements and hard work despite my illness, not as consequences I endured because of it.  And most importantly, I will refer to myself as a person who has bipolar, not a person who IS bipolar.