And Then I'm Reminded...

I'm over my tantrum and suddenly the sun starts to come out from behind the clouds and I'm reminded of how fortunate I am. 

I'm so grateful for my support group friends who make me laugh, remind me that I'm important and remind me why I started DBSA Cheyenne in the first place.  

I'm reminded of how much this guy means to me, and how happy we've been in our seven years together.  

I'm reminded of how much this guy loves me, unconditionally, every single day.  

I'm reminded of how much this little guy looks forward to me coming home, even if I've only been to the mailbox and back. 

I'm reminded of the beauty that surrounds me at any given moment, if I just take the time to seek it.

I'm reminded that I don't get to choose what happens in my life, but I always get to decide how I will respond to it, learn from it and allow it to change me for the better. 

I'm reminded that it can always, always be worse, and to just be thankful that I have what I have, who I have and that I'm loved. 

 
I'm reminded that every day, every moment, is a chance to start fresh, and it's up to me to take advantage of that opportunity. 

Life is difficult.  Sometimes it really stinks.  But I have way more good than bad, and I have so much more to look forward to than I have to regret.  

Sometimes I Just Want to Have a Tantrum...

Yes - that's me.  Three days old!

Do you ever just get a little bit tired of being good?  Do you ever have those days when nothing goes your way and you've tried your best to keep your chin up and remember that your problems are minimal in the grand scheme of things, but you'd really just like to throw a fit and be done with it?  

That's pretty much how I've been feeling on a regular basis.  Then I feel guilty for feeling crummy when I have so much to be grateful for, and that just makes me feel even worse!

My emotions have been a bit all over the board lately.  I'm making some big changes in my life, and change is rarely easy.  After months of deliberation, I've decided that I need to get a "baseline" for my health and I've decided to go off of almost all of my medications, antidepressants and mood stabilizers included.  This decision is supported by my psychiatrist and the process is being medically supervised, but it's a complicated experience that has left me completely wrung out both physically and emotionally and mentally.  

One of the medications I have been on for several years is Effexor XR.  From what I have read about psychiatric drug withdrawal, coming off Effexor XR has been compared with withdrawing from heroin.  Having never used heroin, I can't tell you what that withdrawal is like, but I can tell you that withdrawal from Effexor XR is pretty crummy.  Here are some of the symptoms I've been experiencing almost daily:

• sweating while having cold chills 
• nausea and vomiting
• dizziness and motion sickness
• headaches
• inability to hold onto things
• tired and lethargic but being unable to sleep 
• increase in anxiety
• roller coaster emotions - from happy to sad in a short amount of time

The process for tapering off of Effexor XR as outlined by my doctor is as follows.  Effexor XR (and the generic) come in large capsules that can be pulled apart.  Inside the capsules are approximately 100 little beads of varying sizes.  The recommended taper is one bead per day.  That means that to come off of a very high dose that I am on could take almost a year - well over 275 days.  I'm not a patient patient and have pushed the envelope at times and thus experience more side effects from withdrawal than I might if I was more disciplined in my approach.  I'm not recommending anyone follow my lead, I'm just being honest about how I'm handling this. 

I have found in the past year that I have more and more medical conditions that are likely caused by the medications I am taking.  Thus, I am now taking medications to combat side effects of medications.  I felt completely over-medicated and worse yet, despite all these medications, I wasn't feeling particularly great.  So I wanted to know what my "normal" was again, without out this pharmaceutical intervention.  


This is not to say that I won't return to some sort of psychiatric medications to control my depression/bipolar disorder.  I will wait and see how I feel once I am completely off the Effexor XR and the other two psychiatric medications before determining what the next correct choice will be.  


Psychiatric medications come with tremendous benefit to some people, but they are not without a cost.  The side effects - both physical and emotional - can be as debilitating as the illnesses they are meant to correct.  While I was once confident in the use of psychiatric medications to treat my mood disorder, other health problems including a peptic ulcer and restless leg syndrome led me to believe that there might be a better way to manage my mood disorder symptoms while allowing my body to be less severely impacted by countless side effects.  


I have no idea what the right answer is, and no way of knowing if this is the right process, but all I can do is try.  It is a scary journey to know that I could plunge back into the depths of depression that has been all too familiar to me, but it is also encouraging to think that I might be able to manage my health in a way that provides me all-around better management of my body and mind.  


Most days I am optimistic and my grin-and-bear-it attitude keeps my chin up.  Some days, like today, I want to cry, stomp my feet, whimper and curl up in a ball until it's all over.  Of course that is an option, but I'm not really sure it would make me feel much better. I try to find a balance - cleaning part of the house, doing laundry or accomplishing some task and then letting myself have some down time - reading a good book, Pinteresting or just taking a nap.  That is when I really feel best - when I've balanced some accomplishment with some time to take it easy.  


I'm a perfectionist and I like to keep a checklist of accomplishments going.  It's not easy for me to be "sick" and feel like I've done so little in a day, but sometimes that's just what it is.  Some days I can't get anything done, and I have to let that be okay.  Otherwise, it just leads back to depression and disappointment in myself, and that gets me nowhere.  


Finding a balance is such a hard task for me.  I am an all or nothing, black or white kind of person.  I don't like to negotiate, least of all with myself, when I have a list of what I want to get done.  Learning to give myself a break and accept that my best is good enough is tougher than the withdrawal symptoms!  But my best really does have to be enough, and I have to accept that my best doesn't always measure up to the ideals and level of perfection that I imagine it should be, and that pouting about what I am not will get me nowhere.  

While a tantrum might feel necessary every now and then, it really wouldn't serve me any better than my perfectionist tendencies do!

10, 11, 12, 13 & 14 Things...

I read MANY blogs each day, mostly for inspiration for remodeling the home, inspiration for crafting or inspiration for writing.  Here are my top five favorite blogs.

#10  A Beautiful Ripple Effect 
Carolyn Rubenstein has a knack for focusing on the positive, perseverance and gratitude.  Always motivational, always thought-provoking.

#11 NieNiedialogues 
Stephanie Nielson was already a popular blogger when she and her husband were in a plane crash.  She was burned over 80% of her body, was in a coma for 3 months, and went through agony to recover.  She's still recovering, and her motivational story is one of the most inspiring I have ever read.  Check out her blog for updates on living life with serious injuries, but read her new book, Heaven is Here, for the amazing complete story.

#12 Ali Edwards 
Mom and scrapbooker Ali Edwards has an amazing take on photography and memory keeping.  She is always an inspiration when my own scrapbooking needs a jumpstart.

#13 Thrifty Decor Chic
I never run out of fun ideas to try after perusing this blog.  I still want to paint my French Doors black, and I will - eventually.  This gal has the goods on home remodel ideas, tips and overall inspiration.  

#14  Personal Excellence Blog
I am all about self improvement and I read a lot of self-help focused books and blogs.  This one is my favorite.  I can always count on advice that I can put into action when I check this one out. 

#5-9 of 21 Things...All About Books!

Today's post is for my fellow literature nerds.  Here are some uber great places to find new reads, read about reading, or find inspirational literary related goodness.

#5:  The Book Seer

This gentleman will help you find a list of books you should check out.  Simply tell him the name of the latest great book you read and the author and he gives you a list of suggestions.  

They link right to Amazon so you can see if they're available for your Kindle or buy them or just price them and add them to your wish list for later. 

#6 is my personal favorite - the Literature-Map site.   Simply plug in an author you like:

And it gives you a map of other authors you might find interesting.  The closer two names are, the more likely you will like both of them.  Simply click a name to get a literature map of that person.  I love the animation and the juxtaposition of so many great writers.  A fun little cloud of names!

#7:  Unshelved?  A fun look at all the craziness that happens in libraries.  His comics are often hilarious!

#8:  Want a peek at handwritten draft of Harry Potter?  This and a million other fascinating literary artifacts are just a click away at The British Library.

#9:  Fifty of the Most Inspiring Quotes about Books and Reading.  That one pretty much explains itself.  But here's one of my favorites:

There are perhaps no days of our childhood we lived so fully as those we spent with a favorite book.

–Marcel Proust

Have fun exploring these websites!  And don't forget to share some of your favorites with me!

Bargains...

Who doesn't love a bargain?  I know I do.  One of my favorite websites is www.retailmenot.com.  This site allows me to look for available coupons for both in-store and online purchases.  Sometimes the coupons are for a percentage off the total, sometimes they are buy one get one free, and often I can find codes for free shipping!  The discounts can really add up and make a difference in my budget.

No matter what I'm shopping for, but especially if it's online, I check out this site to see if there is a discount available.  It's especially helpful for purchases from pricier merchants.  I plug the business name or website into RetailMeNot, and it gives me a list of possible coupons as well as information on how recently they were used, the success rate of their use, and possible expiration dates.  Sometimes it gives a direct link to the coupon - like those I need to print out to take into the store.  Other times it just gives me the promotion code to enter during the checkout process online.  


Some retailers let me use multiple codes - that is, I might get a percentage off AND free shipping.  Others only let me use one.  For those, I plug in one code and note the final price, then plug in the other and see which is the better deal.  It all depends on the retailer. Some charge a steep shipping and handling fee, so it might be better to go with the free shipping.  But, if it's a big or expensive purchase, a percentage or dollar off coupon might get me the better deal.  It's a little bit of trial and error sometimes, but it can mean a sizable discount if I take the time to experiment.  


For example, let's look at Franklin Covey.  I love their planner accessories, and I've been wanting a new planner shell for sometime.  But I'm not in love with their prices.  However, if I plug in Franklin Covey, I get the following available offers: 

• 15% off orders of $65 or more
• 15% off of any size order
• Free shipping on orders of $75 or more

Obviously, if I'm spending over $65, it doesn't matter which 15% code I use.  And the free shipping over $75 doesn't require a code - it's an automatic discount once my cart has $75 worth of product in it.  This means that if I spent over $75, I would get 15% off AND free shipping.  However, if my discount code brings my total below $75, the free S&H doesn't apply.  All of this must be considered before determining the best deal. I may have to remove the first offer code to try the second, but sometimes the retailer will evaluate which coupon gives me the better deal and selects for me.  In this instance, though, I could easily save $20 off $100. 

For stores that nearly always have a weekly coupon available for in-store use (i.e. Michaels and Hobby Lobby), I can just go to RetailMeNot to get the latest ones available instead of searching each retailer's entire site for the coupon or link.  This makes it easy to print them out before I head out the door.  

Not every retailer has coupons available, and not all of the ones listed always work, but it's worth checking to see if any apply to my purchases.  I often sit down with my shopping list and see what coupons are available for the items I need.  I also try to figure out if I can order them online at a better price than in-store.  This has the added bonus of them arriving in my mailbox or on my porch instead of me trying to find them in the store only to discover they're sold out or finding fifteen other items I think I "need" when I went in for just one.  

RetailMeNot isn't the only place to look for discounts and promotion codes.  Several similar sites are out there and are just as good, but this one is my favorite for its simplicity and because I'm familiar with it.  It's saved me substantial money and it's always a bit fun to mess around with the various codes and find the best deal.  
 

Who Doesn't Want to Be Overloaded with Cute?

Even though I am still mad that the above picture of Pip has not been included on their site, I can't help but love CuteOverload.com.  I mean, I know that every mom sees her baby as being the smartest/brightest/cutest kid ever, but I really think there is something extra special about a dog enjoying an Italian Cream soda to this degree.  

Anyways, the Cute Overload page is an instant mood lifter.  Try it.  I dare you not to smile while you scroll through the first page of cuteness.  Unless you are a serial killer or some sort of boogie man, you're bound to succumb to the adorableness of it all. 

They now also have daily calendars out, so if for some reason you can't access their webpage from your desk, you can still get a picture a day of super cuteness.

Bookmark this page so that the next time you feel the inclination to kill or maim your boss/child/parent you can get a boost of good cheer.  

Pinterest - An Organization Junkie's Heaven...

I read many craft and do-it-yourself blogs.  About a year ago I saw a theme emerging among the blogs I read - references to a site called Pinterest.  Bloggers were going ga-ga over it.  It required an invitation to join, and I figured it was just a silly time waster.  I didn't give it much more thought.  But the rave reviews continued and it became so prominent amongst the popular blogs I read that I thought there must be something to it.  I requested my invite and finally visited the site.  

Oh me, oh my!

I'm ridiculously organized, and Pinterest spoke first to me on that level.  A place where I could collect the pieces of the web that most interest me in a visual yet organized place.  Pinterest is basically a virtual bulletin board.  Each user can create "boards" that he/she names.  For example, some of my boards are labeled "beauty", "inspirational" and "for the kitchen".  Then I can browse through thousands of images that others have pinned.  When something attracts me, I can "pin" it to a board of my own creation. So, for example, makeup tips could be pinned to my beauty board, a great quote would go on my inspirational board, and a great refrigerator on my kitchen board.  I can then pull up the boards individually and see what is on each one.  Clicking the picture will link me to the external site where the pin originated.  

I love the variety I find on Pinterest.  I've seen everything from date night ideas to how to remodel my kitchen, to books, quotes and suggested recipes.  I can think of no other place where so many of my interests of such a wide variety are ALL inspired.  Pinterest seems to have no limits to the amount of topics it can represent.  Thus, I never get bored with it.  Always, always, there is something new to see.  

Pinterest is perfect for planning.  Whether it's planning for a teacher, a wedding, a party or a holiday, I can search Pinterest for theme specific ideas.  I then get to seperate and categorize them any way I want.  Right now I am considering ideas for the Fourth of July.  I have a board for decorations, one for food, and one for crafts related to that holiday specifically.  I have seen amazing collections of wedding ideas and they have so inspired me that I wish I could get married all over again! (But to the same guy - don't worry!)  I wish Pinterest had been around six years ago when we got hitched.  Teachers would find Pinterest a perfect way of finding new ideas and collecting them.  There's no limit to who might find inspiration here - men, women, children, professionals, stay at home moms - everyone is represented on Pinterest .

I hate to cook.  I hate deciding what to cook.  The recipes on Pinterest make life easier, and the fact that most of them are represented by images and not just words makes it even better.  The biggest downfall of Pinterest is all the crazy goodies and yummy dishes.  I get hungry every time I go on there, even if I just ate.  Desserts, main dishes, wedding cakes, birthday cakes, cheesecakes, on and on and on - it's just a food lover's paradise!  So be forewarned- it's not easy to resist the pull of the great food ideas.  But the fabulous cooking/baking tips will make your time spent in the kitchen better.

Hobbies and crafts are abundant on Pinterest.  I have been doing Becky Higgin's Project Life this year and Pinteresters went crazy posting delightful suggestions, ideas and all around juicy goodness when it comes to Project Life.  I have also completed two Modge Podge projects - the lampshades and the boxes.  I have an abundance of craft ideas pinned on my boards. What I love about this is that it's inspirational, and also that when I am in the mood to put my creativity to good use but am unsure about what I want to work on, I only have to browse my boards to find a good project to start.  Creatives, especially, must find Pinterest a lovely place to exist.  

Pinterest can be a great representative of who I am.  I have pinned everything from clothes that I love to jewelry that delights me.  Not only could Kyle or anyone else look at my pins and get ideas on what I like, but it is an insight into who I am.  Like a collage that represents  me, my boards and pins are a reflection of the many components that make me me.  I have found my pins to give me important information into what I really want, need and who I really am.  Because my collections there are just for me, I do not feel pressure to like what others like.  I get to collect what really speaks to me personally.  It's an adventure in discovering what I'm really about, which is exciting!

Finally, Pinterest is just very fun and relaxing for me.  I love to wind down at the end of a day by pinning and browsing.  Kyle usually watches TV and I sit beside him browsing Pinterest.  It always has something new to see, and I notice Kyle watching over my shoulder much of the time.  It's wonderful to spend time selecting and organizing that which pleases me, and better yet having it all in one place for me to reference at any time I like.  


Oh, and my favorite board?  Happy Memories, my collection of all that made my childhood pleasant.  What boards are your favorites? 

Oh, Facebook...How I Love Thee!

In the beginning of my life as a social networking junkie, I preferred Myspace.  I thought Facebook was bland, and Myspace could be spiffed up with all sorts of cool backgrounds and animated graphics.  I loved the personalization that could make it all my own.  Most everyone I knew was also using Myspace, so it made sense to use it.  As more and more of my friends dropped their Myspace accounts and went with Facebook, I began looking into it a little more.  I didn't want to keep up with two different sites, so I had to pick which one to go with.

Before long, I eliminated my Myspace account and went completely with Facebook.  Myspace was getting crowded with personalization.  Glittery and obnoxious became the normal look for many sites.  What once seemed boring on Facebook became appealing - a simplistic look that let the content speak for itself rather than the fancy flashing images and background songs.  

I loved that so many of my extended family members were on Facebook already.  Aunts, uncles and cousins whom I had had little contact with over the years were suddenly updating me on their lives and I loved the connection.  Since we are spread out over the country and we don't really have reunions or anything, Facebook was the next best way to stay in touch with each others and follow the ups and downs.  Instead of getting one letter at Christmas with all the year's details, I began to know my family more intimately and I love this!  I have always wanted a big, close-knit family, so keeping in touch on Facebook helps me feel connected to the family that otherwise might have slipped out of my life.  

I've also tracked down people from my childhood who made a huge impact on me but who I might not otherwise have reconnected with.  I got to reach out to Kandi, my best friend from fifth and sixth grades, who I lost touch with a couple years after moving away.  Ms. Sulzen, an amazing volleyball coach and teacher's aid from those same years who made me feel special and whom I adored.  My fourth grade teacher.  I have been able to tell people how much they impacted my life all because we found each other again on Facebook. 


I love the ability of sharing photos and video through Facebook. I get to watch nieces and nephews and second cousins grow up.  I can virtually visit their recitals, see their artwork and be amazed with their rapid growth.  I can tell them I'm proud of them and let them know I care.  I live vicariously through photos of friends' vacations, their captured shots of first holding their newborn, or give them condolences when they have suffered a loss.  I get to be there for them in a way I probably wouldn't have without Facebook. 


I can use the groups feature to connect with people with other interests.  I don't necessarily have to link them to my personal profile, either.  I can simply interact with them in the context of the group without divulging more personal information that I'd rather keep more private.  I can update group members easily and all at once, and likewise I receive updates from the group without having to visit a large number of individual sites.  Everything is housed under one umbrella for easy access.  

I can link my friends to items of interest to me, and likewise they can link me to theirs.  We can also share pertinent information with other people when we think it will be of interest to them.  This is important to me since I love learning and connecting with people who also love it.  Often, the items they find important are significant to me also.

I love the comments feature of Facebook.  Sometimes it's just fun to read what others think about what I've posted.  Or, maybe I need some advice or suggestions from friends and I can get that all in one place without having to track people down individually.  Comments make me laugh, sometimes cry, or inspire me.  

The messaging feature is fun for "chatting" with friends and family.  Especially in those wee hours of the morn when I cannot sleep.  I log onto Facebook and see which of my fellow insomniacs are awake, and we can keep each other company.  Or we can just chit chat back and forth as we watch the same movie or TV show.  Even though we're not together in person, we are sharing life in real time. 

While face to face interaction would be my preferred method for connecting, that's just not as realistic in today's world.  Everyone seems so busy with their individual endeavors, their jobs, their hobbies, their kiddos.  Families are spread across the country and event the world.  Friends are not always able to visit as much as I'd like, nor am I able to visit them as much.  Facebook is an adequate substitute for me.  I'd rather get what I can through Facebook than not have that interaction at all.  

Of course there are drawbacks and issues in regard to Facebook, but overall it enhances my life in many ways.  I love that I can log on at my convenience and be updated about the people who are important to me.  I love that I can participate in their lives and they in mine.  It's not as good as "the real thing", but I'll take what I can get.  

21 Things...

Pip loves the Internet, too!  But he gets tuckered out from the excitement.

 I spend a significant amount of time online, and I have been amazed with some of the great places I've found to learn, amuse myself or explore.  I thought I would share 21 of my favorites over the next few blog posts.  

I first went online in around 9th or 10th grade, I'm guessing.  I set up my first email account on Yahoo! in 1999.  I visited my first chat room in the summer of 1999.  I immediately fell in love with the 'nets ability to connect me to the world and people like me.  I've made some amazing friendships online.  My dear Ruth came all the way from Texas to marry Kyle and me!  

I've also been connected to people who I wouldn't otherwise have had much communication with, including family members and even acquaintances from childhood.  People might have passed out of my life permanently had we not reconnected through Facebook (or Myspace) all these years later, or stayed connected through Facebook. 

While the Internet is appealing to some because of their ability to hide their true identity, I fell in love with it for the opposite reasons.  I could be just me and find people who liked me for me.  It was liberating and exciting to know that I could say what was on my mind and heart without seeing the look of disapproval on someone's face.  

I am still passionate about the Internet for the same reasons and so any more today.  I love learning.  I would be a full time student for the rest of my life if I could.  The great part of the education I have already received is that it has well prepared me to continue my education on my own.  As much as I miss being in a traditional classroom and listening to great lectures, there are so many other avenues available for educating myself, and the Internet is just one of them - but a fantastic one!  The information is unlimited, and even though it must be scrutinized for bias and inaccuracies, there are a plethora of reliable sites out there for obtaining info on any subject I can think of. 


As I share my favorites with you these next three weeks, don't hesitate to share some of yours with me via the comments section.  I would love to know what interests we share and what playgrounds I have yet to encounter online.