My WILL DO List...

My motivation has been nonexistent lately, as noted in yesterday's post.  The fact that I've managed to blog in the past week is an accomplishment in and of itself.  For a perfectionist like myself, to say that it's intolerable for me to accomplish so little is an understatement.  I like to feel productive and see all that I've accomplished.  I am determined to get my tread-climber and the TV/DVD set up downstairs before the end of this week so I can get busy losing these extra pounds I somehow found.  So, instead of a "to do" list I'm making a "will do" list so that it seems less optional :)

WILL DO LIST:

• Clean hall closet and organize.
• Sort through bins that are from the great basement flood of 2010. Determine what needs 1) put away elsewhere 2) donated to DBSA garage sale pile 3)tossed 4) donated.
• Find DVD player lost in the Great Flood.
• Move small entertainment center downstairs to set up TV/DVD.  Cheap particle board came apart.  Must revise plan.
  
• Exercise!
• Clean out master bedroom closet.  Try on clothes and get the ones I don't wear/don't want into bags for Goodwill.

This in addition to the other appointments for the rest of the week:
 

Wednesday

• Pip's shots and getting his nails clipped since I rescheduled this from last week.
• Finish homework for therapy (nothing like procrastinating!)
• Therapy
• Nails (yay, a little ME time)
• Facilitate support group and give anger management presentation (Was too sick to go :()

Thursday

• Group therapy 3-5
• Deal with items from the Will Do list 

Friday

• IF I accomplish most of the things from the Will Do list I will spend my afternoon reading all my yummy magazines I've been saving up, ripping out pages for ideas I want to keep, and noting ideas or things I want to check out.  I love to save all my mags up for one good afternoon.  And since there is snow called for, what better to do?

At this current point in my depression/bipolar recovery, this is A LOT of activity for one week.  I have to remember to go easy and give myself a break but at the same time make myself accomplish a few items.  

No to Low Motivation...

One of the hardest aspects of depression for me to deal with is the absolute lack of motivation I sometimes have.  I have been a pretty busy person most of my life.  I have many different interests and used to partake in many different hobbies.  I never got bored because there were just so many things I wanted to do.  I still have many interests and many things I could do, but most of the time I just don't feel like doing them.  Sometimes I force myself but I don't enjoy them the way one should enjoy hobbies.

Aside from the obvious parts of depression like sadness and difficulty being around people, depression robs its sufferers of life in general.  That's the difference between blues and true depression. It sucks the life out of me and the joy out of life a great deal of time.  

I don't like to talk about my mental illness much because I don't want to seem like I'm always complaining about it.  I usually don't complain about it.  It is what it is, and to a degree , what I make of it.  But there are the really crummy parts that make me miserable at times, and to be honest about how bipolar and depression affect my life I have to talk about the bad times as well as the good. 

I can hardly read, which is probably the hardest issue for me to get over.  I love literature, majored in literature, and spent the first eighteen years of  my life buried in books.  Presently, though, my concentration and ability to attend to the task at hand is nearly impossible, thus making reading equally impossible.  I tend to "read" magazines now because they require far less attention.  I do have periods of time though when my concentration is better than usual and I get a lot read in a short period of time.  It's just never for certain when and for how long it will last. 

Depression does rob me of some quality of life, but it also makes me appreciate the better times all the more.  Sometimes it affects my life as a wife, or my ability to clean the house or keep up with "chores".  It certainly affected my ability to work and maintain employment.  I'm determined to keep pushing through though and finding the bright spots.  

10 Reasons My Depression/Bipolar Support Group Rocks...

1. We are very solution oriented, not problem oriented. 
2. We have a very dedicated group of a few who continually show up, week after week. 
3. We have friends and family who attend group with us to learn and give another perspective. 
4. We want to know more and learn more from guest speakers and educational presentations. 
5. We truly offer support to one another, both in group and outside of group.
6. We get together outside of the regular "support group" setting to have some fun together. 
7. We can laugh just as much as we cry. 
8. We have a fantastic new board of directors. 
9. We have some amazing activities planned for the upcoming year - yard sales, bowling, picnics, game night, BBQs, and who knows what else!
10. We have some awesome goals for this year - a friends and family support group, a second night for bipolar/depression support group, fundraising, and anything else we can think of.  

I am sooo fortunate to know such an awesome number of people. 

10 Topics I Want to Learn More About...

1. The Violin - How to play it!
2. Peer leadership in the mental health field.
3. How to design a web page.
4. How to draw people that consist of more than sticks. 
5. How to make roses with frosting.
6. What is really going on in Pip's head.
7. What is really going on in Kyle's head! :)
8. Process a book goes through when published. 
9. How to use a router - the wood working kind, not the computer kind.
10. New treatments for depression and bipolar disorder.

10 Reasons I Love Spring...

 It's snowing furiously out the window, so naturally I'm thinking about how ready I am for Spring to get here.  I am all about Spring.  It is my favorite season hands down.  I love this time of year and I can't get enough of it.  So here are 10 reasons Spring rocks.

1. e.e. cummings said it best.  Spring is "mud-luscious" and "puddle-wonderful".
2. That first smell of rain in the air.
3. The first glimpse of tulips and daffodils pushing their green stems up through the soil.
4. More light in the evenings.  Those dark, short days are over!
5. Spring cleaning.  Nothing feels so good as getting the house in order, opening all the windows and airing out the rooms.  
6. Sandals.  Capris.  Flip-flops.  Painted toenails.  
7. In Wyoming, lots of wildlife babies pop out in the late spring. 
8. Lilacs. Oh, the scent of a lilac is so divine.  It's my all time favorite flower, scent and color.  The perfect combination. 
9. Getting outside and moving in the warmer weather.  
10. Sunday drives.  Stopping to pick wildflowers.  The promise of summer. 

10 Moments I'll Never Forget...

On our wedding day.  We've both changed so much since then!

Continuing with my Week of Tens, today I am blogging ten moments of my life that I will never forget.

1. Calling my mom on the way to class to find out what was happening on the morning of September 11, 2001.
2. Graduating with my degree in Literature. 
3. Being awarded "Outstanding Senior in English" the night before I graduated.   
4. Seeing Kyle and running to hug and kiss him in the airport last summer after spending six weeks in Texas.
5. Those first two weeks after gastric bypass surgery when I thought I had made the biggest mistake EVER.  (It was actually the best thing I ever did!)
6. My perfect wedding day. 
7. My dad's first heart attack.
8. White water rafting in 1999.
9. England, 2001.
10. My first day at home with Pip when we first got him.     

Ten Reasons I Love This Guy...

1. I know no with as tender a heart as his.  There's not a mean bone in his body.
2. He and Pip are adorable together.  Partners in crime.  Best friends. 
3. He has the weirdest sense of humor. 
4. He's a nerd. 
5. He kisses me goodbye every single morning.
6. He loves me when I am completely unlovable.
7. He comes through for me 100% of the time, without fail.  
8. He encourages me in every way, supporting my decisions and understanding my dreams and goals. 
9. He knows the worst of me but loves me anyways.
10. Sometimes, life gives you a fairytale.  He is my prince charming, my soul mate.  My EVERYTHING.

10 Reasons I Love This Little Guy...

1.  He's stinkin' cute.

2.  Who wouldn't love those giant ears?

3.  No one has EVER been happier to see me than he is - even if I only went to the mailbox and back. 

4.  He's never chewed up anything important. 

5.  He snorts.  

6.  He is always up for an afternoon nap. Or a morning nap.  Or any nap.

7.  He sleeps curled up on my left side while I sleep on my right side.  It's a comfort to have him there all night. 

8.  He's goofy and frequently runs in circles when excited - especially after being in the rain.  Or he runs up to the TV and growls when there's a dog or woodchucks on the screen.

9.  He looks ADORABLE when dressed up. 

10.  He's an amazing comfort.

10 Things I Will Do This Week...

1. Take Pip to the vet to get shots and nails clipped.  
2. Host game night for the Depression and Bipolar Support Group.
3. Visit the dentist to get started on a new crown.  
4. Work out at least three days. 
5. Take Pip for a walk (which actually means carry Pip while I walk).
6. Morning pages EVERY day. 
7. Finger paint. 
8. Clean and reorganize the craft room.
9. Watch "The Marketing of Madness".  After a closer look at who is BEHIND the "Marketing of Madness" I no longer have any interest in its biased message.  We all know (thanks to Tom Cruise), the Scientologists' views on psychiatry.
10. Finish reading Wuthering Heights.

Dusting Myself Off...

If you are anything like me, when you stumble over a rock or an unlevel place in the sidewalk, and you stumble to the ground, you immediately get up and look around to see who saw you fall.  I have been especially clumsy lately, and I believe it's probably due to the fact that I am very distracted by some personal issues and therefore paying little attention to where I am going and what I am doing.  I caught the toe of my shoe on the cement the other day and crashed to the ground.  My knee is bruised, my hands were scuffed, but the pain was overshadowed by the rush of adrenaline and the glancing around to see who had witnessed my clumsiness.  

I can parallel this hyper-vigilance to so many aspects of my life.  I'm often looking around, trying to figure out who saw and what they thought.  I don't tend to my injuries and ask myself if I am okay first.  I focus on the external.  As I pondered this, I thought to myself, "Here's another of those little life lessons I need to learn".  Does it matter what everyone else thinks?  Not really.  Most likely any witness would be concerned and rush to help me up.  And even if someone laughed, could I really blame him?  After all, we've all watched America's Funniest Home Videos and gasped for breath as we howl with laughter over countless falls and other gaffs.  

What it boils down to is learning to pick myself up, dust myself off, survey the damage, and carry on with life as I had planned.  It wouldn't hurt to laugh at myself, either.  Instead of saying, "Oh geez.  You are such a klutz.  You're  so stupid!  It's just as easy to laugh at myself and say, "Well that was silly.  I need to pay more attention to what I am doing." 

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

It's come to my attention lately how much negativity there is on television, amongst the students I sub, even amongst checkers at the grocery store.  I work very hard to keep negativity out of my life.  This has even meant cutting some people out of my life - a process that was NOT easy.  It's pervasive today, though.  It's hard to get away from it because it is everywhere.  

I don't understand it.  It's just as easy to say something positive or good as it is to be bitter and resentful.  Each of us, at some time or another, has been the recipient of harsh words, criticism or the subject of cruel gossip.  Sticks and stones may break bones, but words can shatter souls.  

I don't see much of people building one another up.  Maybe that's a pipe dream, but it isn't so far-fetched to believe that we could all be a little less judgmental and a little more supportive.  It would take no more effort on our part, but the results could be amazing.