Sucker-Punched by Depression...

Sometimes I am surprised at how I am rolling along in life, minding my own business, when WHAM! I get hit with a wave of depression that is overwhelming, paralyzing, and daunting.  It happened this week and it really knocked me for a loop.  The worst part is how it comes along unannounced and quietly works its way into so many facets of my life without my even realizing it.  

Depression is sneaky.

As long as I've been dealing with it, one would think it would be obvious to me when depression arrives.  Sometimes it comes in loud and obtrusive.  Other times it intricately weaves in and out of my days so quietly I don't notice it at first.  That's how it was this week.  

I've been struggling with sleep, and that's nearly always a huge sign that all is not well.  However, I kept shrugging it off as seasonal - the stress and chaos of the season is always overwhelming, for anyone.  And generally I LOVE Christmas, so it didn't make sense that I was struggling.  Yesterday it hit me, though.  I simply was not looking forward to Christmas at all.  

When I started to really think about it, little signs had been everywhere.  Usually my Christmas decorations are out by the weekend after Thanksgiving.  Usually, I can't wait to decorate the tree.  Usually, I can't wait to make cookies with my god-daughter.  Usually, I am watching Christmas movies and listening to Christmas music the Friday after Thanksgiving.  And usually,  my Christmas cards are handmade by the end of November.  

This year, I could hardly summon the strength to decorate the tree, and even then I didn't put on all the ornaments.  I left everything else in the decorations boxes, deciding not to put out most of my decorations aside from stockings and a couple of favorite Christmas baubles.  We got our tree a little later than usual, so I attributed the lack of enthusiasm to the delay.  I felt like I was faking my way through cookie decorating.  I still haven't watched any Christmas movies other than Christmas with the Kranks at my sis-in-laws.  My cards are unmade. 

It hit me yesterday that I felt like I was moving through sludge - that all-too-familiar feeling that clearly indicates depression has arrived.  I realized I was dreading all the activities that usually I delight in, but I had no idea why. 

This is a familiar frustration - why?  Why am I depressed?  Why, especially, at a time that usually brings me such joy and satisfaction?  No answers exist.  It simply is.  I reminded myself, as I pondered all of this, that I had been without sleep for about 40 hours, and that alone would affect the way I viewed the holidays in general. I decided to sleep on it. 


Today is a little better.  After a phone appointment with my doctor my meds are adjusted a bit.  I got too much sleep over the past 24 hours, leaving me lethargic and brain-muddled.  I have decided I will push through and continue to do those activities that usually bring joy to me.  Instead of dreading I will remind myself that it is something I choose to do to bring myself a little happiness.  Hopefully the meds and the true joys of the season will kick in and bring me through.  


It's hard, depression.  No rhyme or reason sometimes, which drives me - a logic seeker - up a wall.  It is what it is, though, and sometimes it just stinks. I give myself a little time to pout over it and feel sorry for myself, and then I try to move on.  Sometimes it's easier said than done. 


I know that I'm not the only one who experiences seasonal depression.  For those who don't, there is no way I can explain the anguish.  For those that do, I offer my arms in a virtual 'hug', hoping to help drive the loneliness away.  For no matter how many people are around, depression is isolating and lonely, especially at a time of year when so many people are gathered around their loved ones.  In a room of 100 people, I often feel more alone than the last person to parachute off a crashing plane.     


If someone you love struggles with depression regularly, give them a little extra support this time of year.  Even if they "seem" fine, they may need a little more encouragement than usual.  They will greatly appreciate your concern.  I know I always do.