Perfectionist Me...

I am very much a perfectionist.  Tiny details that might be unimportant or even ignored by most people become huge ordeals for me.  I'm highly critical of myself, and others (an aspect that I dislike about myself).  I have high expectations of myself and others - in fact, unrealistically high expectations that are seldom achievable.  I'm so worried about the outcome that I don't enjoy the process.  I often feel overwhelmed by the expectations I put on myself.  Sometimes I absolutely dread performing a task because I fear I will mess it up or fail to meet my goal.  Perfectionists are very fearful of failure, and this leads to a high anxiety and stress level.  I am overly sensitive to criticism.  

It's funny that I continue to be a perfectionist, because almost every behavior I listed here annoys me and makes me dislike that part of myself. I dislike being overly critical of the people I love.  I dislike having unrealistic expectations of myself and others and know I am just setting myself up for disappointment.  I miss out on the fun of an experience because I am so worried about what's going to happen at the finish line.  I am constantly exhausted by the pressure of having to be perfect or appear that way.  


Part of my perfectionist personality can be attributed to an element of control.  I feel like I have more control over situations.  I get a major sense of satisfaction from a job well done.  My self-esteem gets a boost when I complete something and deem it perfect.  Elements of the process to perfecting something can be reassuring and even calming. 

There is also an element of obsessive compulsive personality disorder in some perfectionist behaviors.  By maintaining control and being constantly vigilant, perfectionists feel a certain reassurance and safety.  We feel we can prevent bad things from happening.  

So what exactly is in this for me?  Well, I do tend to reach my goals.  I also have a drive to complete the steps leading up to my goals that derives from the desire to do so well.  It motivates me. 

Like any aspect of our lives, perfectionism needs to be in healthy doses and not a constant companion.  Perfectionism leads to depression and disappointment; failure and low self-esteem.  It is better to loosen up and live a little, but that's far easier said than done.