Highs and Lows of Substitute Teaching...

Some days I come home from subbing and I feel strangely energetic and happy.  Other days I come home and fight sleep for three hours before finally caving and just going to bed.  It amazes me that every assignment is so individualized in how it can turn out.  Some assignments are a piece of cake - the sub plans are complete and thorough.  Students know their routines and stick to the schedule.  Teachers point out possible problems or concerns.  Other times the lessons barely make sense, the kids thrive on knowing a sub is in the room and that she may not know the rules.  Kids are in and out of their seats, have a million reasons for why they can't settle down and read, and whisper snide comments under their breath.  

I really prefer subbing for specials like music and art, because that way I get to see lots of different kids throughout the day, and I'm not stuck with any one group that is troublesome.  I love sitting with the kids at the table and doing whatever they are doing for art.  They are in awe that a sub would actually take interest in what they are doing.  

It's also interesting that I can get a feel for a place within the first few minutes of walking in the door. Some schools are very warm and welcoming and the staff is polite, kind and helpful.  Other schools feel cold, sterile and staff is curt and less than welcoming.  I try to stick to the cheerful schools, because it helps me to be cheerful when I'm surrounded by others who are also happy.  And who wants a crabby sub, especially in something that is supposed to be fun like music or art? 

I was amazed as I subbed in one art class before Thanksgiving.  The teacher stressed the importance that the pilgrims be authentic - they should wear clothing that would have been traditional, etc.  The kids adhered to his directions and developed perfectly accurate pilgrims - except for one aspect.  Most of the pilgrims were packing heat - AK47s seemed to be most popular.  And did you know that pilgrims' preferred method of conveyance are tanks?  I was certainly educated on what "traditional" means.

One day I was 20 separate teachers.  Literally.  Teachers had 20 minute BIT meetings through the day, so I floated from class to class covering for 20 minutes at a time.  Another day I was in one room with three other subs, as well as  5  additional adults who were all there for various purposes.  Eight adults in one classroom was certainly overkill. 


I don't like the hit or miss of finding work, especially during times like now when I am wanting extra money for the holidays.  I do like the flexibility of being able to turn down jobs when I'm not interested or not feeling well.  Lots of pros and cons exist for subbing, but so far it's been mostly a positive experience.  Hopefully the kids feel the same way.

Excuses are Really Lies....

Excuses are a great way to keep me from having to do the work I must do to achieve a more satisfying life.   I can come up with all sorts of excuses for why I shouldn't do this, can't do that.  Here are a few of my favorites.

• I don't have enough time!  I do, however, have enough time to surf the Internet, watch Forensic Files or Dateline reruns for the third time, and read countless blogs each day.
•  I'll just screw it up and fail.  Does it matter?  Nothing ventured, nothing gained, right?  Who cares if I mess up a few times?  That's how we learn and grow.
• My expectations are too high, and I'll just end up disappointed.  Really?  Won't it be every bit or even more disappointing to know I could have had something if I'd only tried for it?  A disappointing life is far worse than a disappointing moment or two.
• It's not the right time.  I need everything in place first.  This is by far one of my worst excuses.  There will never be a time when everything is completely in place and organized and ready to go.  Life happens and aspects of life shift constantly.  What was one minute ago might be another thing entirely tomorrow!
• I'm not smart/pretty/intelligent/outgoing/funny/thin/creative enough.  I'll never measure up, so why bother? 

Looking at this list makes me realize that "excuses" is too good a word, because everything on this list is actually a lie.  As long as I keep lying to myself, I don't have to give myself a chance.  I can just keep pretending that it all could have been if only...if only it was the right time, or if only I was a little prettier.  If only I had a little more time in the day, if only the moon and stars and planets aligned correctly, I, in the words of Marlon Brando in On the Waterfront, "coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody, instead of a bum, which is what I am, let's face it."

Let's face it.  If I don't try I'll never know if I would have failed.  I can use the very excuses that I might fail to convince myself I wouldn't have failed if I had just tried. What a false sense of comfort that is!

The reality is better said by Leo F. Buscaglia:

“The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.”

Giving Thanks...Gratitude...and Feeling Fortunate...

I took a little blog break the last ten days.  I was low on motivation and exhausted.  I've tried to work more lately to have more money for Christmas, my trip to Denver on Dec. 22nd and to pay off some bills, and subbing takes it out of me. I went to bed at about 7:30 pm on Tuesday.  I'm also working on a top secret Christmas present that I am really excited about and will show at a later, post-Christmas date.  But it's time-consuming, as well. 

Anyways, I'm back, and though I am shaky and not feeling tip top tonight due to stupidity on my part and not taking my meds for two days, I felt inspired to make a list of the many items on my gratitude list.  I keep a gratitude journal on my nightstand, and I commit to writing five items on that list every night before I go to sleep, no matter how tired I am or how much I just want to flop into bed.  I force myself to do it before I sleep.  When I'm struggling with insomnia, it helps to make my last effort of the day one of gratitude, and then I can focus on all that is good instead of all that is wrong.  Sometimes I'm crabby or tired and have a hard time coming up with five items, but that is when I find those things I take for granted  - things like hot water, a furnace, snail mail letters, gloves, warm food.  

So here is my list of thankfulness for 2010.

• Medications that make me feel better mentally and physically.
• Cuddling with my warm little Chihuahua and my warm big teddy bear of a husband. 
• Naps!
• Clear roads for holiday travel. 
• Amazing family and friends. 
• A loving husband who cleaned the house while I napped today. 
• A flexible job. 
• Kyle's job. 
• A warm house. 
• Inner peace. 
• Inner calm. 
• Outer calm. 
• Remote start on COLD and windy Wyoming mornings.
• A blossoming new friendship. 
• My health.
• Kyle's health.
• A full tummy.
• Football on Thanksgiving.
• Health insurance.
• Peace and quiet. 

I could add a million other items to this list, but these are the essentials at this time.  Hoping you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving and some peace and quiet, too.

Perfectionist Me...

I am very much a perfectionist.  Tiny details that might be unimportant or even ignored by most people become huge ordeals for me.  I'm highly critical of myself, and others (an aspect that I dislike about myself).  I have high expectations of myself and others - in fact, unrealistically high expectations that are seldom achievable.  I'm so worried about the outcome that I don't enjoy the process.  I often feel overwhelmed by the expectations I put on myself.  Sometimes I absolutely dread performing a task because I fear I will mess it up or fail to meet my goal.  Perfectionists are very fearful of failure, and this leads to a high anxiety and stress level.  I am overly sensitive to criticism.  

It's funny that I continue to be a perfectionist, because almost every behavior I listed here annoys me and makes me dislike that part of myself. I dislike being overly critical of the people I love.  I dislike having unrealistic expectations of myself and others and know I am just setting myself up for disappointment.  I miss out on the fun of an experience because I am so worried about what's going to happen at the finish line.  I am constantly exhausted by the pressure of having to be perfect or appear that way.  


Part of my perfectionist personality can be attributed to an element of control.  I feel like I have more control over situations.  I get a major sense of satisfaction from a job well done.  My self-esteem gets a boost when I complete something and deem it perfect.  Elements of the process to perfecting something can be reassuring and even calming. 

There is also an element of obsessive compulsive personality disorder in some perfectionist behaviors.  By maintaining control and being constantly vigilant, perfectionists feel a certain reassurance and safety.  We feel we can prevent bad things from happening.  

So what exactly is in this for me?  Well, I do tend to reach my goals.  I also have a drive to complete the steps leading up to my goals that derives from the desire to do so well.  It motivates me. 

Like any aspect of our lives, perfectionism needs to be in healthy doses and not a constant companion.  Perfectionism leads to depression and disappointment; failure and low self-esteem.  It is better to loosen up and live a little, but that's far easier said than done.  

Today I Give Myself Permission To...

• play.
• stay positive and ignore the naysayers.
• make mistakes.
• enjoy myself. 
• ask for what I need. 
• ask for what I want. 
• be me.
• ask for help.
• accept my body shape.
• get back up when I fall.
• laugh until I snort.
• dream big.
• refrain from worrying about what others think of me.
• take a nap when I'm tired, even if the house is a mess.
• make messes.
• watch a movie with Kyle instead of cleaning. 
• to live my dream life.  
• smile until it hurts. 
• read a book instead of cleaning.
• take my medicine as directed.
• watch football instead of cleaning.
• enjoy the day if I can't get a subbing job. 
• refrain from worrying about the holidays.
• focus on gratitudes.
• eat well.
• create something beautiful.

A Cherokee Parable...Two Wolves

I can't remember where I first heard this, but I came across it again recently as I surfed the Internet.  I find it deeply meaningful.

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The Parable of Two Wolves

One evening an old Cherokee told his grandson about a battle that goes on in all people.  He said, "My son, the battle is between two wolves that dwell inside each and every one of us.  

"One is Evil.  It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority and ego.

"The other is Good.  It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith."

The grandson thought about it for a minute, and then asked his grandfather:  "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied: "The one you feed."

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Which wolf are you feeding?  I have been feeding the wrong wolf lately.  I've had a bit too much envy, jealousy and sorrow.  But I do try to stay committed to daily effort of finding five parts of life to be grateful for, ways to show others kindness, and honest effort to be truthful.  Sometimes the wrong wolf wins.  I'm not giving up, though.  It is my hope that over time the Evil wolf will become emaciated and starving while the Good wolf is well-nourished.

In a Funk...

Sorry I've been MIA for a week.  I've been swamped with trying to get my house back in livable condition after the contractor's finished up.  I have been completely without energy, which does not make light work of lugging of furniture, boxes and bins up and down the stairs.  Kyle was also gone for work for several days, so my helper was gone.   Pip is not a lot of assistance in this arena.  He likes to unpack boxes and baskets quicker than I can fill them.  I am not getting this work done as quickly as I would like.  I just don't have any oomph right now.  Not sure if it's lack of nutrition from the weight loss surgery or what, but it is leading me into a funk.

It's not unusual for me to get in funks now and then, but since I've been doing relatively well it's frustrating to hit a bump in the road.  Money is stressing me out.  I didn't work as much as I would have liked in October to save up for Christmas because I was at home babysitting contractors.  My last work day before my last check before Christmas is the 15th of November, so hopefully I can pick up a few subbing jobs next week.  

I also have to see my psychiatrist tomorrow and I always dread it to a degree.  I know that my medications need tweaked and I always hate that.  I've talked before on this blog about the pros and cons of medications changes.  I'm just not feeling up to the unknowns of med changes, but I don't have a choice because either way I'm not feeling my best.  Med changes can also be expensive and that only adds to the stress I already discussed. 

The shorter days are hard on my mood, too.  I need to get my light box out and start using it daily.  Have you heard of them?  It sits on the table or a flat surface and I sit in front of it where it can shine directly into my eyes.  It's a sort of fluorescent blue.  It's darn bright, but the full-spectrum light is supposed to help with the symptoms of seasonal affective disorder.  


I'm noticing a lot of little stresses adding up right now for me, and many of them aren't that serious, but they are getting to me, so I know it is definitely time to see the doctor.  I went to get my hair done today and am agonizing over whether it is too short.  So instead of lifting me up, it sorta did the opposite.  I'm trying to focus on my gratitude journal every day and focusing on all that is positive to try to get my mind out of the darkness, but it can be really hard sometimes. 

How do you get yourself out of a funk?