I promised that I would blog about my trip to Texas in closer detail. As I've mentioned in previous blogs, I wanted some time and distance from my stay there to gain some perspective and to not be overly reactionary. If you don't know why I went to Texas, catch up by reading what I wrote about it here. I was very relieved to be going to Texas to receive treatment for my overeating and shopping compulsions, along with issues with self esteem. I remained very relieved for the first few days that I was there. It was so nice to know that someone else was in the driver's seat for the time being, and I just had to sit back and do as I was told. Tonight I just want to explain what the treatment center was like.
I am going to refrain from using the specific name of the facility where I received treatment for two reasons. First and foremost, I don't want to advocate any one way of treatment on this blog. I strongly feel that all persons are different in their illnesses and their treatments and no two people respond the same way to any experience. Secondly, I don't want to persuade or dissuade anyone in regard to a specific facility. Those of you closest to me know the name of where I went, and if contacted I would be happy to discuss the specifics if someone is interested in more information. For general discussion, though, specifics aren't necessary.
I'm glad that I was ready to do what I needed to do once I got there. The only thing I was not willing to do there was allow them to manipulate my medications. As I stated in previous blogs, my moods were doing relatively well, and I continue to do well now. Perhaps better than I have in my life. It was my first (and only) battle there. The psychiatrist I saw the second day I was there wanted to take me off the med that helps me sleep and gives me the mood stabilization. There are some risks of diabetes with this medication, which I am aware of and have researched. The benefits of this medication outweigh the risks for me personally, and I knew I would be far worse off if I were to discontinue the use of it. I also was not willing to let someone who knew me for twenty minutes change my medications so drastically when my doctor here at home is very pleased with this medication and its benefits. Everyone kept telling me as soon as I arrived that they never leave anyone on their meds and especially this specific one. I just nodded and reminded myself that I still have a voice in my treatment, even if I am inpatient. This was important to me. I felt that yes, I was wanting someone with better information and judgment than I had at the time to tell me what I needed, but this one area I was not willing to negotiate. The doc said let's see how things go, and left me mostly on the meds as I came in. I didn't see him again in the six weeks I was there.
This facility is extremely rigid in rules, which was fine by me. I do well with structure and rules, but at the same time, it was very difficult to get used to being told what to do all day long. I felt a huge loss of control that was a little scary, and I felt some annoyance at having to be around so many people all day long. We awoke at 6 am, M-F, and got in line for vitals. Mondays and Thursdays were weigh days, and we had to put on hospital gowns for it. We were not allowed to see our weight, mostly because many clients there are being treated for eating disorders. After vitals we worked out until 7:30, cardio on M/W/F, resistance on T/TH. Breakfast was at 8:00. We were not allowed back in our rooms until after snack at 8:30 pm, so we had to take everything we needed with us when we went to breakfast.
Meals were very rigid. We ate at 8:00, 12:00, and 5:00, snack at 8:30 pm. We were required to clean our plates. Because, again, of eating disordered patients, we could not wear long sleeves at the table nor could we put our napkins in our laps. They had to be placed flat on the table to ensure food was not hidden. My meal schedule was broken into six smaller meals due to my bypass. I still struggled to eat all the food while I was there. But I got a lot more protein and my hair finally stopped falling out!
In the first 10-14 days after I checked in I was on the strictest monitor, as everyone is when they arrive. I was in the observation room the first few days, where they check on you frequently through the night. Upon arrival they went through my suitcases and determined what I was allowed to have and what they would take as "contraband". Perfumes or other items with alcohol or any items that could be used for self-harm were kept in baskets in the tech room and could be checked out for a few minutes in the morning for use before we started the day. We were allowed no outside reading materials. No cell phones. We had the bare necessities. They gave us several treatment related reading materials, a notebook, a few pens, and a lot of writing to do, so there was no time to get bored or homesick. In those first 14 days I was on bathroom monitor, which meant I had to count while using the restroom so the tech outside would know I was not purging. Everyone had to do this initially, purger or no. I also could not make nor receive phone calls during this time. It was very hard not to talk to Kyle during this time. I could write to him, and I did, but it was so strange to be so far away and not know what his day was like.
After breakfast we had a little free time until 9 am or so, then we went to group therapy, then again after lunch we had a little free time until 2pm group that lasted until dinner. Different days, group had a different focus. Sometimes we did anger work, sometimes we worked on body image. Other days people read their writing assignments in group and received feedback from the group members and therapists. The treatment center was primarily 12-step focus. Regardless of why we were there for treatment, we were taught the twelve steps and we attended several twelve step meetings each week, including Anorexics and Bulimics Anonymous, Alcoholics Anonymous, and Overeaters Anonymous. All of us went to all the meetings all the time, regardless of whether we fit in that specific group, because the step work is the same across the board, it just entails different wording. We also had meetings with a nutritionist, we were supposed to meet with our case manager weekly, and some people met with other staff as needed, such as the staff nurse or psychiatrist. My main complaint is that we seldom saw the specialists while we were there, and it was made to appear that we would meet with them regularly.
In the evenings we either had the twelve step meetings or group therapy again. After snack at 8:30, lights out was at 10:30, and I was usually exhausted. I slept better in my six weeks there than I have most of my life! Sundays were our "day off" so to speak. We had no obligations on Sunday outside of meals at their usual times. Sunday was our day to work on assignments - and boy, did we have assignments! I love to write though, and it really kept me focused and prevented homesickness, so for me it was just fine. I will blog more about those assignments next time. Some people had visiting privileges on the weekend, and their friends or family could come. We also got a movie that day if we had been compliant with the rules. We got two movies a week - a recovery related movie on Fridays and a "for fun" movie on Sunday. Other than that, we had no outside reading materials; no books or magazines. We had no television, no radio, no ipods, no computer. Absolutely NO distractions. They really wanted us to sit in our feelings and not use any behavior, substance or activity to distract us from or numb us from our feelings. I appreciated this, even though it was a little hard to get used to.
All in all, it was really hard to lose so much of my independence, but it was all for a very good cause. This background will give you perspective as I discuss my experience further in the coming days. Basically, we had fewer privileges in treatment than most people in jail or prison have. But it was for a reason. More about that later, though.
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