My medications are working quite well to stabilize my moods at present. However, there are aspects of my life that I need to work on that the medication cannot fix. When I had gastric bypass surgery in December 2008, I knew that the surgery was a tool and not a solution to my weight problem. I knew that I would have to deal with the problems or emotions that had driven me to eat for comfort in the first place. It is very easy for bypass patients to gain back their weight and more if they don't work on the hurt that bubbles under the surface.
My weight loss screeched to a halt in December. I wanted to eat eat eat lots of yummy foods to make up for the year before when I was miserable and on a liquid diet. Except the eating didn't just last for the holiday season. It spilled over into the new year. For months my weight just stayed the same, but then I gained a few pounds back and I started to get scared. I don't want to gain back the 100 pounds that I lost. Yet I couldn't control the compulsion to eat - especially sweet foods or high in carb/white flour foods.
When I initially had surgery, I couldn't eat at all for awhile, and then when I could it was still minimal amounts and it wasn't the same as it used to be. I started shopping to deal with upset, anger, sadness; any emotion you can name, I ignored it and buried it with the high that comes from shopping. I was never much of a shopper, but when I started losing weight, for the first time in my life shopping became so exciting because I could find cute clothes that I could never fit in before. Between the elation at wearing smaller sizes, and the adrenaline rush it gave me to spend money, I was spending way too much.
Now don't get me wrong. I was not out on thousand dollar spending binges. I wasn't shopping Macy's or Bloomingdale's. No, my favorite hangouts were the discount stores - Ross, TJ Maxx, the clearance aisles at Target, Walmart or just about anywhere. I couldn't avoid a good deal. I bought countless items I didn't need simply because I had a coupon for it. I might only by a shirt here, a book there, but all these little purchases added up quickly, especially since we have been living on one income for almost a year. I was stocking up on household items, or office supplies. Nothing fancy. But I didn't need it, and I often didn't even know where I would put it. Half the time I gave it away a few weeks later.
How can I explain the feeling an addict gets from her "fix"? I never would have thought of myself as an addict. In my mind, an addict is either a drug fiend or an alcoholic. I never realized that compulsions to eat or spend are very much addictions. The behaviors behind them are the same behaviors behind alcoholism or drug addiction. Here are some of the "symptoms" or characteristics of addictions borrowed from the Mayo Clinic:
- Feeling that you have to use the drug regularly — this can be daily or even several times a day
- Failing in your attempts to stop using the drug
- Making certain that you maintain a supply of the drug
- Spending money on the drug even though you can't afford it
- Doing things to obtain the drug that you normally wouldn't do, such as stealing
- Feeling that you need the drug to deal with your problems
- Focusing more and more time and energy on getting and using the drug
All of these are characteristic of myself and my relationship to food and money.
Here's one of the hard parts. Drug or alcohol addiction treatment requires the addict to abstain in all ways from using the substance upon which they've developed a dependence. But food and money cannot be avoided. Food and money are a very big part of life, and so those of us with addictions that play on these two necessary life elements must learn how to have a better relationship with the two.
I can't tell you how many lies I have told myself:
- Okay, I'll just buy this ONE (book, movie, skirt, blouse, candy bar etc.) and then I won't spend anything else this month.
- Okay, one more candy bar, and then I won't eat anything sweet for the whole week.
- I deserve to buy a (book, movie, skirt, blouse, candy bar, etc.) because I've had a bad day/week/year.
- This one purchase won't hurt anything.
- Something magical will happen to help me pay for all of this and it will get me out of this mess.
I know that my health is being jeopardized by my poor decisions. I am not eating the nutritious food I should be, and I am skipping the important supplements I need so I can spend the money on other highly important things - like a new journal to add to a collection of over ten journals I already have that are still blank inside. I knew that what I had been doing was not logical, not smart, not responsible. Yet I have not been able to stop the behaviors.
When I was younger I would hide foods in my room and hoard them. I would stock up on them and feel giddy because of my "stash". Sometimes the good feeling came just in knowing they were there. Or, sometimes after a crummy day I would come home and scarf down the entire stash, left only with a full stomach and a lot of guilt and shame.
I have always prided myself on my frugality and my good common sense when it comes to money. Having grown up in a low income family, I was accustomed to stretching a dollar. In college, I don't even know how I made it. I lived for a month on $20 bucks sometimes. So how was it all the sudden that I was constantly using up our money and not having any left over, halfway through the month? I should have handed over my debit card and checks to Kyle, but I didn't want to admit that I couldn't be responsible. I've always been uber responsible. I felt ashamed to admit that I couldn't keep from spending.
The other aspect of shopping addiction is how much it sounds like an excuse. "I can't help it, I am a shopping addict!" I would have never believed that shopping was an addiction or compulsive behavior. Just stop doing it, I would have thought. And then there are the people who wave you off saying, "You're a woman, you're supposed to shop!" Maybe, but not the way I was shopping. Not shopping when you didn't have a dime to begin with and no business buying inessentials in the first place. Movies like "Confessions of a Shopoholic" make it look funny, but it's not funny. It's saddening, it's shaming, and it can tear your world apart.
I certainly spent more and more time trying to get my fix. I would stock up a ridiculous amount if something I liked went on sale. I would constantly think about it, knowing I should go back to the store again and again and buy just one or two more while they are on sale. I wouldn't be able to focus on anything else. It was like someone whispering in my ear, "Just go buy one. Go buy just one. Then you will be able to stop thinking about it." Only I didn't stop thinking about it. I would lie awake all night counting in my head the hours until the store opened. It is incredible to me the way the compulsions take over my life and allow me to focus on nothing else.
Addictions lead to dishonesty. They lead to defensiveness. I am thankful that I never lied to Kyle through all this. But I wasn't up front about it either. I knew that he trusted me to handle the finances, pay the bills, etc., so I knew I didn't have to account for where the money was going. But it was killing me that he was working so hard and I was spending it, especially not working myself. I knew that it was incredibly selfish and it was going to kill our relationship if I didn't get it under control. Again, the shame and embarrassment about this tightens my throat.
All I really understand about addiction at this point is that it is the same for me as someone holding tightly onto my arm and directing me where to go and what to do at all moments of the day. If I am trying to do something not related to the addiction, it is there quietly whispering in my ear, reminding me that if I just eat something or go shopping, I will feel better and magically my worries will disappear. And they do for awhile. Until I realize that I just compounded my problems. Then the shame and the guilt. And so I eat and spend to cover the guilt and shame and the cycle just keeps going.
Because I realize that I am powerless over these compulsions, I have reached out for help. Because I haven't killed Kyle's trust in my or his undying support, I have reached out for help. Because I haven't spent us into financial ruin, I have reached out for help. Because I want a better life, I have reached out. Because there is a hole in my soul, I have reached out.
I am going away for six weeks to a treatment center in Texas that specializes in addictions but can help also with depression and other comorbidities. I am terrified and relieved all at the same time. I know that this is the best decision. That this trip away will allow me to reevaluate my priorities, clear my head, discover what is compelling these maladaptive behaviors, and to discover what it is that has haunted me for all these years. I want to start my life. I've been waiting a long time to start my life. I'll just get through this or that, then I will start the life I am meant to have. Unfortunately, life started almost 30 years ago, and I have been emotionally checked out of it for almost 20 years of it. My life starts today. Actually, it started Monday when I picked up the phone. When I put it down. When I picked it up again, and dialed the number to the treatment center and asked for help. It's time I engaged in my own life, so that I don't wake up someday alone and wondering where it all went. I will be leaving early next week, and will return to blogging in July when I come home.
I have an amazing opportunity for an amazing life. I live in a great town, with a sweet little puppy and a husband who is - indescribable. I have a home I love to be in. I have a good education. I have a relatively healthy body. I have everything I need for a do-it-yourself perfect life kit. Not that life is ever perfect, but I mean perfect for me. One where I go to the store for bread and I come out with only bread. One where I sit down to a nutritious meal, hungry, because I haven't snacked on garbage all day. One where I can afford to go with my husband to a movie because I haven't spent all our money on office supplies. One where I can look my husband in the eye without the guilt. Without the knowledge that he could have done so much better. With the knowledge that I am a good wife - no, a good human being. My perfect life is not flawless; rather, it is perfect because it simply IS.
No comments:
Post a Comment