There is nothing I hate more than not having the answers to something. And the older I get, and the more I learn, the more I realize how clueless I really am and how difficult it is to figure out the right answers to the big questions in life.
Kyle and I will be married four years in June. I can't believe how quickly four years have gone, and how incredibly lucky I have been to spend them with someone so deeply kind, loving and generous. Since the day I announced I would be getting married, the next question everyone would ask after “when?!” seemed to be “when will you be starting a family?”. And I would usually respond with a half-joking "I thought getting married WAS starting a family." It was my own "clever" way of avoiding all-together the baby questions.
Because I've never had a real answer to them. And I am finding I still don't.
I’ve noticed that when a certain issue weighs heavily on my mind, everywhere I go I am reminded of that issue. That has been true for the baby issue, as well. The more I try to figure out the answers to my own questions about babies and parenting, the more I am constantly reminded about babies, Babies, BABIES. Everywhere I go are cute babies. Every time I walk into a store it is baby week and there are a million baby products front and center of entry. Everyone I know is pregnant. Well, technically not everyone. I mean, most men I know aren't pregnant. But the happy mothers have ultrasound photos to ooh and aww over and I can NEVER figure out where the kid is in the photo. Or they just had THE most adorable baby EVER. And have you ever smelled a newborn's head? Because even if you have never wanted a baby for a moment in your life, when you smell an infant's baby shampooed head, your reproductive system shifts into overdrive immediately.
When I was a kid, I thought anyone who would give up an amazing career opportunity to be a stay at home mom must be insane. I couldn't comprehend why someone might give up money and an interesting career path in order to change diapers and lose never-recoverable hours of sleep. When I became a teenager and slept in until noon on weekends and summers, I assumed no one in their right mind would ever give up sleeping until noon for anything - especially dirty diapers and crying all hours of the night. And of course, when as a teenager, anything to do with pregnancy, babies or the like is something to be terrified of rather than joyful.
In college I was not as anti-baby as I was just uninterested. I honestly never pictured myself even married, let alone a mom, and in my old-fashioned brain, babies didn't exist without marriage (ha ha!). I did not see myself as maternal, whatsoever. I thought I lacked patience, compassion, understanding and tolerance of children. Children seemed alien to me – I had rarely been around them in my life, and I didn’t understand them at all. And I had no patience for immaturity. So I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about whether I would ever be a mom; it almost seemed a given that is just wasn’t going to happen. And I didn't worry over it or care about it one way or another.
In the summer before my last year of college Kyle and I met and within about three months decided to get married. That was definitely one of the easiest decisions I ever made, which is incredibly strange for me because I think things through way too much and rehash it to death in my mind. Deciding to marry Kyle never felt like a decision, though. It just felt like what would naturally come next because everything was so right. Nothing had ever felt so right!
Kyle and I were about four hours apart during the majority of our premarital life. We had phone calls to each other every evening for four hours! I had never been a phone person, but suddenly I was full of conversation and I just wanted to hear his voice. After a very shocking phone bill I changed my calling plan to accommodate our insanely long conversations. Some of those conversations involved whether or not we wanted kids. At that time, kids weren't at the forefront of either of our minds. I wanted to finish school and perhaps move on to graduate school. I was still trying to figure out my depression and find the right combination of medications, and many psychiatric medications are not conducive to pregnancies, not to mention the whole other component of higher risk of postpartum depression, etc. Kyle had been alone for quite some time and had his own health concerns with his diabetes. So there didn't seem to be a whole lot more to think about as far as kids were concerned. It was not a priority. And it seemed both of us had just come to the conclusion in our lives that we wouldn’t be parents.
What has happened, though, as I've fallen even more in love with Kyle over the years, is that one aspect of his personality that I most adore is how absolutely wonderful and gentle he is with children and our "babies", our pets. He is a gentle giant, as I like to think of him. Such a big heart and hands, and so tender. And that makes me yearn to see him as a father. I know he would be a wonderful father, devoted and caring and a wonderful guide to children. And some child would be lucky to have such an amazing man as a dad.
And my own cold heart has thawed towards children, as well. Having worked with both elementary and high school students, I first thought that teaching or working in schools was the sure-most method of birth control. I saw some of the most terrifying children as well as excellent examples of no and poor parenting. In those first few months of teaching, I would end each day in awe wondering how anyone who teaches ever dares to have their own children! And yet, there are those gems of students who touched my heart in one of a million ways and I began to see the true beauty of childhood and children. Something truly special happens when children are a part of your life. It's not describable. My friend’s three year old has also sectioned off a corner of my heart as her own. Her tiny voice gives me chills when I hear its perfection, and her request to talk to “Woxann” every time I call makes me feel incredibly loved. Children, like pets, love nearly unconditionally – at least until their teens. How can I not feel special when she lights up when she sees me?
So here I (we) am/are trying to decide what to do. I'm only twenty eight, so in most cases it is not like I would have to feel pressure about whether/when to have kids. Kyle is nineteen years my senior and though that was a consideration we both addressed four years ago, it’s not something that has been an issue in any other aspect of our marriage. It is a concern when it comes to being parents, because even if I were to get pregnant right this instant, Kyle would be 48 when our child was born and 66 when he/she graduated high school. And that is if we only had one. Both of us would like to do some traveling and that would have to be postponed if we had kids, mainly for financial reasons. That means, realistically, that Kyle would be over seventy by the time our kids are in college. I don’t think it is fair to postpone having kids any later, for Kyle or the said child. I mean, sure, guys can make kids late into their lives, but just because they can doesn’t make it right. It isn’t fair to the kids to miss out on having a dad if anything happens to him. And yes, something could happen to one of us tomorrow, but ... anyways, you can see how I tend to think about things way too much!
Medically speaking, now might not be the best time for me to be pregnant, due once again to psychiatric medications for bipolar disorder and related issues, risk for postpartum depression, as well as the fact that I have about 28 pounds to go to get to my goal weight post gastric bypass surgery. And in a lot of ways, I feel a little freedom in my life to look after me that I haven’t had a lot of before. It may seem selfish, but it is nice to be able to put myself and my husband first instead of last on the list of people who need taken care of. Anyone with a baby knows that self-care is nearly impossible to accomplish most of the time.
And so I am at this crossroads in my life yearning and wishing that the right answer was here in front of me, yet knowing that there is no right answer. There is only what is best, and I do not yet know what is best, for both of us, for now and for long term. But I’m scared that whatever decision is made will be regretted.
I wonder how other people have made this big decision in life. How have others decided whether to have kids, when to have kids, and how many to have? Share your story if you like in the comments section.
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