An Open Letter to My Dear and Loving Husband...

Dear Baby~

I wanted to take a few lines to tell you how much my love grows for you daily and how grateful I am that you are my dearest.  I also wanted to apologize for the selfishness on my part over the past fourteen months.  I have been too focused inward and that manifested in misplaced priorities and neglectfulness of the very people who I need and cherish most - especially you.  By fearing much and trying to prevent against those things I somehow made them become a reality.  I'm glad that I've had some perspective as of late and had the opportunity to view our life together through other lenses.  

I know, with every fiber of my being, that you are the love of my life.   The love I have for you exceeds anything I could have imagined to be possible.  It is overwhelming and intense yet exhilerating.  I know that soul-mates exist, because I found mine five years ago.

I once thought I would spend my life alone, sure that I'd never be able to stand living with another person and certain it would take a Saint to put up with me and my quirkiness.  And then you arrived in my life and "I" became a "we".  Yet I didn't completely give of myself to "us".  I held back, guarded and self-protecting, waiting inevitably, for the other shoe to drop.  Deep down, I knew I was unlovable, so even though I was head-over-heals for you, I couldn't blame you that you might not stick around.  I even tried to scare you with terrible words like "depression", "hospitalized" and "suicide".  When that didn't work, I had nothing else to try, so I thought I surrendered and believed it would last.  But not completely.  That little voice deep down inside whispered "You'll end up alone.  He'll never stay.  Who could put up with you?  Who could love you?" 

And so I built walls around myself.  I used to use my weight as a wall.  It was sufficient at keeping people at bay and allowing me to feel "safe".  Or at least that was lie I told myself I believed.  Now I continue to build both emotional and even physical walls around me, but instead of pounds of flesh I use stacks of books, computers, notebooks and even the coffee table as a barrier.  Sitting on the couch together sometimes makes me feel a certain anxiety.  As much as I trust you and love you, I have been unable to give you 100% of myself and allow myself to be completely vulnerable.  It's hard to let anyone close.  

It's hard to even admit that.  It's even harder to admit it to you - for you are the most loving, tender person I have ever known.  I am shown your love and gentleness daily.  I jokingly call you my gentle giant, my own Shrek of sorts - but I truly adore the kindness you show me in so many ways.  The way you stroke my hair when I am upset, soothing me to sleep.  The way you always remember to kiss me before you leave each morning.  The way you lock the doors and make me fasten my seatbelt.  The way you are with Pip, and how a 2 pound chihuahua has 6 foot tall you wrapped around his little paw.  The way you found a way to get to Texas when I needed you. The way we talk for hours in the dark.  The way you make me laugh, know when the situation demands chocolate, and humor me no mater how many times I rearrange the furniture.  The way you love your family and take care of those around you.  The way you give me a hug when I am grumpy, frumpy and generally unlovable.  All of these serve to remind me of the ways you show me love.  I have yet to get to a place where I completely believe myself to be deserving of that love, but I'm working on it.  

Sometimes, in a relationship as multi-faceted as ours, we face painful situations or painful words.  It's difficult, but necessary.  Sometimes the truth hurts, but it's often what we need to hear the most.  Sometimes what you have to say to me is the very thing that will best how me grow and evolve - both as a wife and partner, and as a human being.  I love that you have the potential to make me be a better me.  

We've sometimes tried to play it "safe" and keep mum about situations that should have been voiced.  As a result, communication broke down and we ended up hurting each other in little ways anyways.  

I reflect on our 4 and a half years of marriage and don't know how it's possible to love you more all the time because I love you so much already, yet that love grows exponentially.  I'm glad I didn't spend 20 years of marriage not communicating with you.  It's so amazing when we do!  I'm so excited to see how our path together draws us closer yet allows both of us to forge ahead in our own search for self confidence and self worth.  I love that I get to make this complicated journey with you.  

My commitment to you as we start this new year together is to dismantle the emotional and physical walls that divide us.  We picked our words for 2011 - I want more peace and you picked hope.  I am already filled with a sense of both.  We have enjoyed four and a half years of an exceptional relationship, and I know that we are both "committed" to making our marriage, our professions, and our lives, as joyful and productive as possible.  


I love you dearly.

Always Your,
Petal