Conquering Fear...

I've been thinking a lot about fear this week and how I conquer it.  Fear has been a consistent part of most of my life living with an anxiety disorder.  Sometimes I am tougher on fear and manage it better than other times.  At times in my life, fear and anxiety have kept me from participating fully in my life.  At other times I surprise myself and I'm able to act in spite of it.  

I have been afraid of a lot lately, and that can get really exhausting.  But the flip side of that is, I've had a lot of opportunity to overcome fear and act in spite of it lately, too, and that gives me more chances to prove to myself how strong I actually am.  I also learn that situations don't usually end up being as scary as I anticipate they will be in the beginning.   

I dreaded going into the hospital in January.  Going into the hospital is crummy enough, but going into the psychiatric ward seemed even crummier because there are so many restrictions there.  I didn't know what to expect from the staff of the hospital and from the other patients.  I was terrified of starting ECT and of having anesthesia three times a week to start.  I was scared to be away from Kyle.  I was scared what friends and family would think of me.  I was scared about how the things that I usually handle at home - bills, etc., - would get taken care of while I was away. 

Over the next few weeks I learned that I didn't have as much to be scared of as I originally imagined.  The staff of the hospital was phenomenal.  They treated patients with so much respect and care.  I was able to use the phone anytime group wasn't going on.  I could call Kyle as often as I wanted.  He was able to bring my computer to the hospital and check me out of the psychiatric ward for an hour and we paid some bills together easing my concerns about that.  Kyle was his usual amazingly loving and supportive self and called and visited regularly.  He came to the hospital for my first two ECT treatments even though he couldn't be with me during the treatment.  My sister in law visited me, my father-in-law sent flowers and my parents called regularly letting me know I wasn't forgotten.  The ECT treatments went well and better yet, I started to feel better after a couple weeks of treatments.  My little dogs didn't forget who I was while I was gone and were super happy when I came home.  There was not as much to worry about as I originally thought there would be.

I know I am always going to have to conquer fear.  It's built into my wiring to be a worrier and a planner.  But I can use my successes as reassurance and continue to move forward in spite of the fear.  Fear could easily paralyze me and prevent me from doing both the things in life I want to do, but also the things I need to do to be productive and successful.  I will always have to work to overcome self-doubt and fear.  

These past few weeks have been a lesson to me that life can consist of a great deal more than just my fears and worries.  There's no cure for being afraid.  I just have to keep acting in spite of it.  I can't say it gets easier for me, but I do prove my own strength to myself and I show myself just how much I really can accomplish.