I'm in Love with Three Men...

Actually, two of them could hardly be considered men, but they are of the male persuasion.

Maybe you can see why it's hard not to fall in love...

 The third fella I'm in love with looks something like this.

It's this guy I want to talk about today.  You see, there aren't enough words in blog-dom for me to express:

• how proud I am of him
• how much I love him
• how loved back I feel by him

But I will try.

Kyle and I have been married almost seven years and have known each other almost eight.  I've never known Kyle to say a mean word to anyone, and he's always the first one to volunteer to help someone or assist with a project.  He's always the one who gets asked to help with those kinds of big projects, too, probably because he's the kind of guy who people know they can depend on to help them.  This applies to coworkers, family members, people broke down along the highway, or just about any person on the planet.  Almost no one is excluded.   Kyle helps just about anyone he can.

My all-time favorite pic of Kyle and Pip

Kyle has a huge heart.  He hates to see anyone get hurt.  Especially those who are defenseless, such as small animals and children. As you can imagine, "discipline" is a loose term around here when it comes to the dogs.  Kyle has a hard time putting his foot down when it comes to Pip or Dobby.  They tend to get away with a great deal.  But I'm not a whole lot better, so I can't say much.  Kyle is great with the pets and he is great with little kids.  

Kyle has definitely lived up to his vow to love me through sickness and health and he has taken care of me through sickness, too.  And not only has he done those things, but he hasn't held it against me or resented me for it, either.  When Kyle and I first began dating I was honest with him about my previous mental health hospitalizations, my history with mental illness and what I was currently experiencing with it.  I didn't want him to have any surprises there, and he took it all in stride.  I expected it to scare him away, but nothing seemed to scare Kyle away, and he persisted in appearing interested in dating me.  Before long I was just as smitten with this new guy as he seemed to be with me.  We lived hours apart, so we were emailing and calling all the time getting to know each other. 

One of the benefits of Kyle and me having a long distance relationship through the majority of our courtship is that we had some really long conversations and got to know each other, I felt, really well.  My first phone bill gave me a near heart attack, but we made some changes to the phone plan after that and billing improved.  I have never liked talking on the phone, but for Kyle, I made exceptions, and we talked sometimes four hours a night.  Looking back on what was my senior year of undergraduate school, I don't know how I got any studying done, because I was always on the phone with Kyle.  But on the plus side, I got to know his mind and heart so well, and that has served me so well as his wife. 

I adore his sense of humor.  It's quiet, sweet, fun.  Like this picture below.  This isn't something he would actually ever really buy, which is why I found it so funny for him to be holding it. 

He's a total goofball when it's just the two of us.  Those are my favorite moments together.  Those are also my favorite moments of being alive.  How special is it to be that person that someone will be themselves with?  I love that Kyle will show that side of himself with me.  

 
Monday of this week Kyle interviewed for a new job as a Real Estate Transaction Specialist with the Wyoming Office of State Lands and Investments.  He was later offered the position and after some soul searching and a family meeting he decided to accept it  He's excited for a new challenge, a chance to have some supervisory experience, and it means he will be home more with me and on the road traveling less.  What a compliment to hear your spouse say he'd rather be home with you than out on the road!  I am so excited for him to begin this new chapter, to have less stress and to be home more. I'm so proud of him for the 13 years of very hard work he's put in at the Wyoming Department of Transportation.  

But it's so much more than that.  At the end of January I was hospitalized for depression for two weeks.  Kyle continued to work full time and do some travel for that job.  But he also visited me at the hospital and called me frequently to check on me when he couldn't visit.  Then I made the life altering decision to do electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) treatments, and Kyle fully supported that decision.  This meant that Kyle would have to make some serious adjustments to his work schedule.  He didn't bat an eye, filled out FMLA (family medical leave act) paperwork, and regularly showed up for my medical appointments while I was still inpatient.  Mind you, I was hospitalized two hours from our home, so this wasn't the easiest for him to do.  Although I was still inpatient for my first ECT treatment, I was scared out of my wits, so Kyle arranged to come to the hospital for it (even though he couldn't be with me for the actual treatment).  I was away from him for about two hours from start to finish for the ECT.  So even though Kyle came to support me, I was away from him and it's a lot of sitting around and waiting on his part.  Then, when I came out, I was still groggy from anesthesia, so I often slept a lot when we were back together.  But he came back to my hospital room and sat beside my bed for hours and just held my hand until he had to go.  

Upon my release from the hospital, Kyle had to promise my doctors that he wouldn't leave me alone at all and that he would drive me anywhere I needed to go.  So Kyle had to take sick leave from work to basically take care of me as if I were a child.  This lasted two to three weeks.  He filled my prescriptions, measured them into my med organizer and wrote down any side effects I was having or questions we had for the next appointment.  He coordinated everything with Dr. Fisher, my ECT specialist, and wrote down my instructions.  Kyle was basically an extension of myself for myself.  He joked with me and kept it light when it could have gotten dark.  He has to put up with me asking the same questions repeatedly.  And he's super patient.  
 
A dear family friend told me he couldn't tell me how proud he was of Kyle, that "Kyle is the ultimate help-mate".  He captured it so so perfectly.   When I left teaching and then work altogether to focus on getting better, Kyle supported me and gave me opportunity to do what I needed to do to get better and be a healthier person.  He didn't berate me or make me feel like a lesser person for the money I wouldn't be earning.  

Kyle's new job opportunity at State Lands has financial repercussions for us.  Leaving his current position and taking this new one meant a substantial pay cut.  Sure, that stinks.  But there are so many other more important aspects of our life that warrant consideration as well, and I'm very glad that I am married to someone who considers all of them, and not just the $ signs on the paycheck at the end of the month.  I think this job will make Kyle happier, and a happier man will be healthier.  A healthier man will live longer, meaning my husband will live longer. 

Kyle has fully supported me, in everything I have needed, wanted or tried to do since we meet.  And yet, he doesn't treat me as anything less than a complete and equal partner in our marriage.  What could have reduced me in his eyes; what could have somehow made me seem far less than his equal has somehow brought us so close together.  Each day I see the strength in our love and am so grateful for this man who brings me such immense joy and happiness.  

Most little girls dream of their wedding days.  They fantasize about Mr. Right, Prince Charming and Happily Ever After.  I never did, because I truly never saw myself married when I was growing up, but it's just as well, because nothing would have measured up to this. 

 

On a final note, before anyone leaves me a mean comment saying that my blog isn't realistic or anything along those lines, I'm not saying our marriage is perfect, nor is either one of us.  We get frustrated with each other and with circumstances.  But I'm saying with the big issues, and when circumstances really matter, we take the time to listen and to hear.  A quote in my planner that I love this week says, "A successful marriage is not a gift; it is an achievement." ~Ann Landers

A Little Bit About My World Lately...

I have a severe lack of pictures lately.  I am not sure why that is, but I will try to remedy it.  

It's very hard for me to write these days.  The ECT treatments that I continue to have weekly affect my memory and cognitive abilities dramatically, but the payoff of the dramatic affect they have also had on my mood is, for me, well worth it.  It has not been easy at all, but it has been quite humorous at times, too.  Kyle and I have a good laugh over my absurdity and ignorance many times. I'm learning to leave myself very detailed notes and post-it notes are becoming my very best friends.  Bear with my writing - it's a little off and requires a lot of me looking up words in the dictionary and thesaurus to get a blog written these days.  But I'm determined to get back to my old self, especially once these treatments end.

I adore the television series NCIS, and we own every season of it on DVD.  Kyle and I have watched them all, but the ECT obliterated many details of the series from my memory, so we are enjoying watching several of the episodes again.  It's like the first time all over again for many of my favorite episodes! Such fun!

Kyle and I were in a fairly serious car accident Sunday and to be honest, it's made me a bit gun-shy about driving lately.  No one was hurt, thankfully.  The other driver was cited, but we are still waiting to hear whether she has valid insurance.  If she doesn't, our insurance - Allstate, will cover us for a deductible, so we're covered one way or another, but I still hope that in the end hers comes through and our Escape is repaired without costing us.  We were taking Kyle's father out to dinner, headed down Dell Range at about 40 mph, the speed limit.  A woman turned in front of us, the oncoming traffic, and though Kyle tried valiantly to slam on the brakes, he couldn't keep from hitting her.  Because Kyle's Dad is hard of hearing I always have him sit in the seat next to Kyle so they can chat and so he can hear Kyle more easily.  Because I am so short and because I was in the backseat, I didn't have even a hint of what was about to happen, and the accident took me by total surprise.  Shocked me, would be more accurate, and as my dad joked, isn't the kind of shock therapy I am accustomed to.  The glasses flew off of Kyle's face and he couldn't find them, nor could he open his door (due to the damage) to step out and look for them.  Once I had myself pulled together, I got out of the Escape and jerked a very damaged driver door open.  I felt around on the floor and found Kyle's glasses and handed them to him.  He was very rattled. 

"Baby, we're all okay.  Everybody is okay.  It wasn't your fault."  I had my hands on both sides of his face, reassuring him that everything and everyone was okay and that we knew that he had done his best to keep us from getting hurt.  Fortunately there had been four witnesses; one of whom was already on the phone with the police.  They all stayed until the police got there.  We wanted to drive our Escape home but the police said it was too damaged for that and would have to be towed, so he dispatched a wrecker.  My sister-in-law came and picked my father-in-law, Kyle and me up and took us back to my father-in-law's house.  

During the earlier phases of my ECT treatment I was not permitted to drive.  This is not unusual.  To quote the guidelines:  "You may NOT drive a car during the entire course of the ECT treatment phase.  You must have a release from your ECT doctor to begin driving again.  This will be considered 2 weeks following the completion of ECT or when your response to maintenance ECT (ECT frequency of once per week or less) has been established.  S0, since my driving privileges had been curtailed, my car had not been maintained as well as it might normally have, thus its battery was in sketchy condition and so my father-in-law had to take Kyle and me to get a new battery because my car was dead, and a jump start wasn't enough to keep it going for long.  So we got a new battery, took that to the house, and then we all finally went to dinner.

It took a couple of days for the paperwork to get through from Allstate to Enterprise but it finally did and we got our replacement vehicle midweek - a Subaru Forester.  I was super ecstatic to discover the heated seats and may never return the rental for this reason.  

I went to pick up my prescription for Lunesta (to help me sleep) today.  Kyle dropped it off for me last Friday, so almost a week ago.  I had some problems getting it filled.  I'm not sure what those were, but it was finally ready for me, so I went to get it today and brought it home.  Should have checked it before doing so, because I get it home, and I notice a slight problem.    The directions on the bottle and the printout that came with the prescription says TAKE ONE TABLET BY MOUTH EVERY NIGHT AT BEDTIME.  It also says QTY: 15  and right beneath that it says Days Supply: 30.  

Now, I am really horrible at math, but the last time I checked, if I was supposed to take one tablet every night, I'd need thirty for a month's worth.  When I called the pharmacy back, they explained that my insurance will only cover 15, not the full 30 and that the other 15 must be covered at my own expense out of pocket, which:
a) I wouldn't pay over $100 a month for a sleeping pill even if I did have the budget for it
and 
b)I would really appreciate having been told all of this when I was at the pharmacy the first time around.  I find it slightly important for them to have let me know.

So this blog post is really about all the craziness that is my life lately.  None of it really amounts to anything, but it keeps affecting me nonetheless.  I could get really worn down by it and either depressed, angered or otherwise ill-affected by it.  However, I'm just grateful that the craziness continues to appear to be of little consequence.  No one was harmed in the accident.  Insurance is covering at least SOME of my prescription.  My mind is compensating somehow to cope with the ECT treatments (to a degree).  My husband continues to be an amazing support.   Life isn't the same as it was six months or even four months ago, but I'm learning to measure successes and failures differently lately.   

Today My Heart Is Happy Because...

• My hubby is coming home after being gone for five days. 
• My depression appears to be lifting and I may be able to see a reduction in the number of ECT treatments needed each week.
• I have these guys who keep me company and make me smile.

• I found these lovely green blades of grass popping up in the yard. 

 

• The sun is shining beautifully and I get to have the doors and windows open.  
• I had a wonderful lunch yesterday with someone who is a dear friend to me.
• I spent two days with my beautiful Mom just hanging out, which is something we haven't done in years. 
• An old friend and I are working on repairing our broken relationship because she reached out to me.  I really appreciate that.  
• I feel loved and fortunate.

Conquering Fear...

I've been thinking a lot about fear this week and how I conquer it.  Fear has been a consistent part of most of my life living with an anxiety disorder.  Sometimes I am tougher on fear and manage it better than other times.  At times in my life, fear and anxiety have kept me from participating fully in my life.  At other times I surprise myself and I'm able to act in spite of it.  

I have been afraid of a lot lately, and that can get really exhausting.  But the flip side of that is, I've had a lot of opportunity to overcome fear and act in spite of it lately, too, and that gives me more chances to prove to myself how strong I actually am.  I also learn that situations don't usually end up being as scary as I anticipate they will be in the beginning.   

I dreaded going into the hospital in January.  Going into the hospital is crummy enough, but going into the psychiatric ward seemed even crummier because there are so many restrictions there.  I didn't know what to expect from the staff of the hospital and from the other patients.  I was terrified of starting ECT and of having anesthesia three times a week to start.  I was scared to be away from Kyle.  I was scared what friends and family would think of me.  I was scared about how the things that I usually handle at home - bills, etc., - would get taken care of while I was away. 

Over the next few weeks I learned that I didn't have as much to be scared of as I originally imagined.  The staff of the hospital was phenomenal.  They treated patients with so much respect and care.  I was able to use the phone anytime group wasn't going on.  I could call Kyle as often as I wanted.  He was able to bring my computer to the hospital and check me out of the psychiatric ward for an hour and we paid some bills together easing my concerns about that.  Kyle was his usual amazingly loving and supportive self and called and visited regularly.  He came to the hospital for my first two ECT treatments even though he couldn't be with me during the treatment.  My sister in law visited me, my father-in-law sent flowers and my parents called regularly letting me know I wasn't forgotten.  The ECT treatments went well and better yet, I started to feel better after a couple weeks of treatments.  My little dogs didn't forget who I was while I was gone and were super happy when I came home.  There was not as much to worry about as I originally thought there would be.

I know I am always going to have to conquer fear.  It's built into my wiring to be a worrier and a planner.  But I can use my successes as reassurance and continue to move forward in spite of the fear.  Fear could easily paralyze me and prevent me from doing both the things in life I want to do, but also the things I need to do to be productive and successful.  I will always have to work to overcome self-doubt and fear.  

These past few weeks have been a lesson to me that life can consist of a great deal more than just my fears and worries.  There's no cure for being afraid.  I just have to keep acting in spite of it.  I can't say it gets easier for me, but I do prove my own strength to myself and I show myself just how much I really can accomplish. 

The Cognitive Side Effects of ECT...

My biggest concern when I was trying to decide whether to do ECT was whether I would hurt my brain.  There's actually evidence to suggest that ECT might lead to brain "re-growth" in areas that may be atrophied in patients with chronic, severe depression!  But that doesn't mean there's not some scary cognitive issues that occur when one is doing ECT!  However, depression in and of itself has affected my memory and cognitive functioning, so it can be a bit tricky to try to distinguish what is depression, what is ECT and what is something else entirely!

Short term memory problems have become an issue for me as I've gone through ECT, and as is not uncommon, it is getting more severe as I have more and more treatments.  Most of it is unimportant stuff - not remembering what I had for dinner last night or not remembering what treatment number this week will be.  Sometimes it's a really weird experience, like last week when I didn't even realize I had already had my ECT treatment.  I thought I was waiting to go in for my treatment and I was already done.  That was really bizarre! I also had absolutely no recollection of seeing the doctor that had done the ECT.  It was a bit unnerving but I'm reassured that it's completely normal. 

Because of the anesthesia required for ECT, I will always need Kyle or a friend or family member to drive me to and from an ECT treatment.  But in this acute phase of treatment where the doctors and I are monitoring the effect that the ECT has on me and my body, I have not been permitted to drive at all.  I was finally cleared to drive on none ECT days this past Friday.  

There's some cognitive dysfunction right after the procedure - that's the most common.  That's the sort of disorientation most of us experience when we are coming out of anesthesia.  This generally resolves within minutes to hours after having ECT.  I'm starting to experience a lot more of this in the later treatments than I did early on.   

My psychiatrist started me on the medication donepezil, which is a cholinesterase inhibitor used to treat dementia (eg, impairment of memory, judgment, and abstract thinking; changes in personality) in patients with Alzheimer's disease (or those doing ECT, apparently!)  

In the beginning of ECT, during the acute phase, ECT is administered three times a week on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.  Into my third week Dr. F. reduced my treatments to twice a week and then just once a week because I was having too many cognitive side effects.  The treatment team uses a variety of indicators to tell them how we're doing.  This past week my depression score was getting too high again, so Dr. F. told me it may be necessary to go back to two ECT treatments a week temporarily to get the depression under control again.  It's a challenging balance to try to figure it all out!

If you have any questions about ECT please ask them.  I will do my best to answer them or find someone who can answer them!