Twice in this past week I have heard persons (in my real life) use their depression or bipolar disorder as an excuse for poor behavior. It fills me with rage to hear it said.
It made me think about my understanding of the terms "reason" and "excuse". In my book, a reason is a valid explanation, it can be factual, and it can make the injured party feel a bit better. A reason usually involves being accountable. Example: I'm sorry I was late for your wedding. I overslept and missed my flight."
An excuse is usually an attempt to shift blame, get oneself off the hook and really doesn't make anyone feel better except the person who uses it. "I'm sorry I was late for your wedding. The cab driver wouldn't drive any faster to get me to the airport, even though I overslept, and then the stupid airport was really confusing and it caused me to get lost and miss my flight." Or, in other words, "I overslept in the first place but expected the cab driver to break the law and get me to the airport on time and since I didn't allow for extra time to find my way around the airport, it's all on the airport for being so confusing. So it's not my fault."
It also made me think about accountability. I don't see much accountability in our society, and I've witnessed this in my personal life as well as observing it in other areas - with politicians, business owners, contractors, etc. It's disheartening when I see it and it's been maddening to me this week because it feeds into stereotypes that people believe about those of us with mood disorders including bipolar and depression.
I work really hard to live my life in a way that doesn't use bipolar disorder as an excuse. At times my illness has been a reason for my behavior; i.e., missed work, missed classes, excessive sleeping, and other challenges it presents. But I have to carefully evaluate at those times whether my behaviors are a choice that I'm making and just using bipolar disorder, and mostly depression, as an excuse for them, or whether the situation is a legitimate reason for me needing time off work, extra sleep or other considerations.
This is no different than any other illness. Kyle has diabetes, and sometimes he needs more rest, or an extra meal, or time off work to go to a doctor appointment. Not a big deal, unless he were to take advantage of his illness and use it as an excuse when he really just wanted to get an afternoon off, take a nap or get out of a meeting. We all have decisions to make when it comes to our behavior and choices, and living with chronic illness only adds a new dimension for that decision making.
When someone does something horrible and says, "I can't help it, it's just part of my illness", it's a setback for everyone else living with that same illness who tries to do the right thing each day. And it's just not true. No doubt, mental illnesses affect the way each of us thinks and feels and what we say, and ultimately what we do. We're still accountable for what we do, though, and the fact that we have an illness does not then release us from any responsibility we have for the way we have impacted others.
Like anyone, I am shocked and heartbroken over the shootings in Colorado Friday morning. On a personal level, there's another component to what happened that makes it difficult for me. I'm just waiting for the revelation that the accused gunman was "bipolar" or "depressed". Such a label will bring a new wave of judgment and misunderstanding. For some, that will be the only explanation needed. The shooter is written off as crazy and mentally ill and that's all they need to know. It will feed the stereotype that any one of us who is bipolar or depressed might take that same course of action at any given moment. It will feed the belief that he was just not medicated enough, or should have been locked up just in case something like this might have happened.
Sticking a diagnosis on him does nothing to bring me any sense of understanding or peace of mind. It would not answer "why" he did it, and answering why he did it does not help me either. For some situations, there are no reasons, only excuses, and those excuses do nothing to justify the horror of a situation.
I can't go into details about the personal situation that angered me, other than to say that this person did something illegal and that it was written off by both authorities and the person who did it as something that s/he just "couldn't help" because of his/her illness. I find it a disservice to everyone - those with the same illness and those without it - for such behavior to be written off. It let's the person with the excuses get away with bad behavior and it sets a bad example. It causes resentment. It leads to misunderstanding.
Part of me that likes to see justice served is very disappointed and wishes this person could learn a lesson, but another part of me realizes that it can be a learning curve for me even if it won't be for him/her. It's a good time to look at my own life and take inventory of when I use excuses and how I could better serve myself and others by being accountable.
As much as we all want to see change in others and accountability in others, it's far easier to start within and hope that leading by example will have a better influence than to try to start by hoping others change. Change is hard enough when I want it and I'm willing to work hard for it. It's probably not likely to happen if I sit around waiting for it to happen in others.
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