Writer's Hypochondria...

I've decided to diagnose myself with a new illness called Writer's Hypochondria.  It seems that when I am supposed to be writing and focusing on getting words on the page, I suddenly become concerned that I might be dying.  In fact, I'm certain that if I am to live, I best get to the doctor.  Or take a Tylenol.  Or at least a nap.  Yes, a nap will surely cure me of all that ails me.  

It amazes me how many distractions I can find to keep me from actually putting pen to paper.  The load of laundry that hasn't been folded for three days suddenly must be put away.  The junk drawer needs organizing for the first time in five years.  The dogs need to go for a walk (i.e. I carry them and I walk).  The mail must be checked.  The checkbook needs balanced.  I must paint the living room, vacuum the stairs and wash the car.  Everything minor in my world immediately becomes of paramount importance.  

Why do I avoid doing what once gave me great pleasure?  Writing has, for most of my life, been a huge comfort to me, whether I was reading another's or doing my own.  But in the past couple of years, I've struggled to write, and it mostly comes down to the impact my psychiatric medications have on my creativity and my ability to come up with the words I am looking for.  

One of the big debates in mental health is when and if people should be forced to undergo treatment with medications that can have debilitating side effects.  No one would be forced to take insulin for diabetes if they chose not to.  It isn't always the same with psychiatric medications, especially if people become a harm to themselves or others.  It is quite common for those prone to mental illness to also be very creative.  This, too, has undergone intense debate and research.  Are persons with mental illness more creative?  Or, are those who are unusually creative more prone to mental illness?  Regardless, it has been proven that psychiatric medications can definitely impact the level of creativity a person is capable of achieving.  

I have encountered this many times in my treatment.  I used to look at a blank page as potential. I was excited to see what would become of it, whether it was a scrapbook page or a page in my journal.  Now, more often than not, I find it daunting. I know I will struggle to find words, I won't be able to concentrate as well as I once could, and I won't be able to envision potential as well as I used to.  Is the trade off worth it? 

I don't know. 

If one lives to create, yet that creativity and production is hampered by medications, one's life can still seem empty and one may experience depression-like symptoms at the loss of their creativity.  Yet, without the medications, one cannot function many days a month, making creativity also difficult if not impossible.  It's a frustration I have quite often, but don't have an answer for.   

PS (A Few Hours Later) ...


Just found this quote by Steven Pressfield, "Resistance is fear."  So true for me. If I don't write it, I won't know whether I fail at it or not.  Not writing is safe.  It's comfortable.  Writing is terribly scary.