Better Living (or not) Through Chemistry...

I wrote last time about the love hate relationship I have had with my meds.  After a very rocky four weeks on Abilify, I am here to testify that meds can be as unhelpful as they are life-saving.  The list of potential side effects of psychiatric medications goes on for pages like the side effects of most medications.  It comes down to what side effects we are willing to put up for the benefits.  It's a tough call sometimes.  Should I choose my sanity and put up with x, y and z, or should I try a different medication and wait six weeks to see if it's effective and which side effects it will bring? 

Abilify made me manic, gave me a lovely rash on my face, and caused serious discomfort with my urinary tract. (Sorry for too much information, but I try to be honest about living with a mood disorder and all it entails).  I weaned myself off of it (I don't recommend doing this!!!) when my doctor failed to return my calls.
I'll be honest and say that the last few days of being on this medication were frightening.  My mind raced out of control with a zillion thoughts.  I went without sleep from Saturday morning until Tuesday night.  I wanted to spend money.  I had no appetite.  I cannot describe the way these elements combine to create the perfect storm inside  my head.  I was beside myself not knowing what to do.  Especially when calls to my doctor went unreturned.  Time for another doctor, perhaps, but that's another post. 

The past two days I've been much better.  I have a sense of peace and well-being that I hadn't realized was far gone once I started the Abilify.  It continually surprises me to see how different people react to different meds. Some people thrive on Abilify.  Some people thrive on Lamictal.  For me, these "mood stabilizers" have the opposite effect and send me into a manic episode.

The other strange part is that my episodes are mixed, meaning I have lots of great ideas and racing thoughts and sleeplessness that is typical of charged manic episodes, but I also get the achingly deep depression at the same time.  It's such a paradox, being high and low all at once.  I felt I was coming apart at the seams.  Yet, a few days later and I am back to my normal self. 

It's a frustrating process finding meds that work for me, but I am also very grateful for the meds that I take that keep me stable - even if I don't especially like to take them.