At some point in our lives, most of us have to determine whether or not to keep certain people in our lives. Sometimes it is not for lack of love or care for them; rather, it is for self preservation and our own general well-being. I have been struggling with this in my life lately. I am so unsure what to do, though logically I know what is best.
I've been learning a great deal about myself lately. I realize how much I have people-pleased my way through life, hoping that if I can do enough for others, that they will like me in return. Having, in my belief, not enough redeeming qualities to be loved just for me, I had to perform my way into people's hearts.
It's all very exhausting.
A wise friend recently told me, "It's time you started taking care of you, first." What a concept! I'd heard it before, but this time it really stuck, perhaps because I've reached a point where I'm just too darn worn out to be the person I used to be. I don't have the mental or physical energy to be the friend that is always there for every little emergency. And what's worse, I rarely get the same level of care and concern in return.
Not that I am keeping some tally record of the great things I've done for others vs. what they do for me. It's just that it gets to a point where I grow resentful for giving so much and getting so little. Yet, whose fault is it? I'm the one over-committing, overdoing and saying "I'm fine!" when I really would just like a hug. I, of course, would prefer the people in my life have some psychic ability to know exactly what I need when I need it without me asking.
All those random thoughts aside, I have been struggling in a friendship lately. For three years we have been super close friends. I have been there for her for many ups and downs, some rather serious, in the past year especially. Our lives just appear to be on different paths at this point, and although I still love her dearly, I'm not sure how good it is for me to be around her. Constant drama and stress in her life affects mine, and I'm in a place where I have resolved to create as much peace in my life as possible. I want positivity in my life. It seems I can't maintain the friendship at the level it has functioned AND have a fully peaceful existence. So I have to decide how much my relationship must change, or whether I am going to give up a certain amount of peace. It's a tough call, and while I know I should focus on what's best for me, it's hard not to think about how it will affect her. For the time being, I am journaling about it and hoping that through reflection the right choice will present itself.
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