One aspect of my mental illness that is hardest for me to deal with is the isolation I sometimes feel. Most of the time I relish alone-time, and I require it in order to re-energize and remain a normal human being. At certain times, though, I feel utterly alone. It's not so much a feeling of physical aloneness, but of emotional aloneness. A combination of several thoughts and beliefs leave me feeling so. Part of it is the frustration that no one understands what my life is like from moment to moment. No one understands that inner gremlin who intrudes upon me, criticizing my every move and thought. Of course there are countless people out there going through many of the same things, but it's sometimes hard to remember that when I am in the moment.
I have often sat in a crowded room and felt utterly and completely alone. Large social gatherings leave me feeling completely left out instead of part of the gang. I especially felt this way when I was very overweight and I felt like I physically stuck out. I wanted to just blend in, to fit in, but I felt like I was the elephant in the room. I will never know the extent of damage my weight did to my sense of self and well-being, but I know that it significantly impaired my ability to love myself and to understand how others can love me for who I am.
I've never felt like I fit in. From the time I was in elementary school, I felt that there was something different about me. I didn't have many friends. I didn't think the same way other kids did. I didn't even act like a kid. I already felt a sense of being on the outside very early on. Moving all the time didn't help, but mostly, I just felt disconnected.
That sensation of disconnection sums up my current isolation. I just don't feel a part of things most of the time. I almost feel out of my body at times, because I am there, but I'm so removed from what is going on around me that I often have recall and memory problems. This greatly affects my relationships with other people and my ability to function normally at times. It was highly embarrassing when I forgot a student's name after teaching him for six months, or hanging up the phone and not being able to recall what the conversation was about. It was scary, too.
I don't think much about being alone or feeling alone, but once in awhile it shows up vividly in my thoughts and I am struck with the realization of how lonely I really am sometimes. I am super good at avoiding thoughts and emotions. But at times they require me to admit that I am not doing as well as I like to make myself believe. And this is good in many ways because it pushes me to be authentic and recognize where my pain resides.
Twice in the last week I have been included in situations that truly made me feel like I belonged. It was a very new experience for me, but I loved every minute of it and didn't want it to end. And I noticed I was talking more than I usually do - I was participating instead of staying on the fringe. The best part of both experiences is that they were with people who are not my blood relations, and despite that I totally felt part of the "family". It was a great feeling.
I've learned that it's easy to pretend I don't need other people, friends, family, etc. But that's a big lie I tell myself. Life is a web of connections, some distant, some deeply intricate. And that's the way it is meant to be. We all help each other along. And that's the way it should be.
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