I decided to start a blog because I can't seem to keep a commitment I made to myself to write every day. I haven't even been journaling consistently. I thought that if I had a pretty new blog to write in, I might be more inspired. And even though I miss the feel of a pen in my hand and a fresh sheet of notebook paper in front of me, I have to admit that I love how much faster my typing fingers can keep up with my monkey mind, and I also love having a thesaurus and dictionary at the end of my fingertips.
I spent two days decorating my new blog. It was a bit more complicated than I originally expected, but fun. I tried to imagine the sort of room I would want to write in, and create that on my blog page. I'm really into this "shabby chic" motif - I think Target is to blame because their shabby chic line of bedding and home decor is so pretty and feminine that the Jane Austin in me can't get enough. My pocketbook, however, is crying "Uncle!" I hope you find the decor as warm and welcoming as I do.
Someone asked me, "Why the title?" Well, there are a couple of reasons for this particular title. The main inspiration for it comes from a song "Way I Am" by Ingrid Michaelson. It's a cute, simple and sappy little song about accepting the one you love just they way they are. When Kyle and I met, this song was new and played on the radio often. It made me think of Kyle whenever I heard it because he truly does love me the way that I am - blemishes, baggage and all. Aside from my parents, I had never encountered such unconditional love - (and Mom and Dad don't count because they're sort of obligated to love me). In fact, in the beginning I couldn't believe Kyle was for real. How could anyone possibly love me? And yet, he did. That someone loves me just the way I am has been continually comforting, motivating, and slightly unnerving - after all, just how sane can he be, considering he puts up with all this - (wild gesture at self).
The other reason for the title is a little bit deeper. I've spent the past few months trying to figure out who I really am. And why I am the way I am. And most importantly, that it's okay to be the me I really am. I have struggled to figure out my authentic self; partly because I've ignored much of the inner signals that would have helped me figure that out long ago, and also because I have tried too hard to please other people instead of pleasing me.
It perplexes me that a person can inhabit a body for nearly thirty years and suddenly come to the realization that there is no real connection there. It's as if my body is a shell - a house that my mind rented for all these years. They are isolated and independent of one another, yet in order for each to function separately, they must also work in unison.
As I work to find answers, I've made the commitment to myself to accept me the way I am. Now I just have to figure out how to do that. So I suppose this blog is my way of exploring who I am, recording the lessons along the way, and essentially ripping off the band-aids so I can't hide behind them anymore. Please join me on what I hope to be a life-altering journey.
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