How I Persevere...

Some tools for persevering - my phone to connect to people, my planner to plan, my ipod to workout to, some magazines, and a birthday card from my sis-in-law. 

 
When I blogged recently about my experience with returning depression I said I would address the ways I get through it.  As I contemplated the title for this post, it took me a few minutes to find the word I really wanted to use.  I thought about "How I Battle Depression" or "How I Fight Depression" and even "Enduring Depression" or "Beating Depression".  Nothing felt right until I thought of the word persevere.  I even took a moment to find its definition on dictionary.reference.com:

per·se·vere

 [pur-suh-veer]

1.  to persist in anything undertaken; maintain a purpose in spite of difficulty, obstacles, or discouragement; continue steadfastly.

2.  to persist in speech, interrogation, argument, etc.; insist.

Depression can be bred out of negativity and cynicism, but those conditions can also result because of depression.  I strive to have a positive outlook in my life.  I'm not always successful, and I fall into the trap of sometimes believing that life is happening to me and not directly as a result of my own choices and actions.  One way to counteract those deceptions is to choose carefully the words I use to describe my life and my experiences.  

When I thought about the words "battle", "fight", and "endure", I noticed that they were all negative depictions.  And even though "beating" seemed a little more promising, it wasn't exactly accurate.  In my earlier experiences with depression I thought I could "beat" it.  I no longer believe that.  I do believe that I will learn to live the best I can in between episodes and strive to do the best I can when I encounter it face first.  I am not resigned to being depressed, but I am at a place where I'm trying to accept its existence in my life.  As such, perseverance seemed a better depiction of how I get through the down times.

It is really hard to come to terms with the fact that I have a disease that can rear its ugly head when it wants, how it wants, and for as long as it wants.  Like anyone living with an incurable medical condition, I want a "normal" life and I don't want to have to deal with the myriad of complexities that chronic illnesses create.  But also like anyone else, I don't get to chose that option.  Like it or not, I have an illness that requires a certain level of maintenance to treat.  And so I do the upkeep - mostly.

Not that it is easy.  Living with depression is harder than anything else I have accomplished in my life.  The biggest hurdle is that depression immobilizes me.  With the depression comes increased anxiety and the two team up to lay me low.  Admittedly, I spend a lot more time in bed when I am depressed, but I also have learned the importance of engaging in life to limit the effect of depression on it.  A term used in treatment is "act opposite", which means simply acting opposite to how one feels like acting.  Most of the time, acting opposite has a positive impact on how I feel.

I have a terrific therapist who challenges me to be a better version of myself.  I don't always agree with him or want to do what he suggests, but that is exactly why he is so good for me.    Last week especially I thought him utterly clueless as to how I must really be feeling inside.  But with distance I realized his advice was right.  He encourages me to maintain a "boot camp" mentality when I'm depressed.  He tells me to force myself to do the things I should be doing, just as I would be forced to do them if I was in boot camp.  If I was in boot camp, I wouldn't get the option to lay around or sleep all day. I'd be forced to act.  Action is a foe to depression.  

Last week when I was particularly depressed, my therapist helped me write out a to-do list.  This is a bit of irony in my situation.  When depression is not as present in my life, I'm an avid list maker and I love that feeling of checking off or crossing off items on my list.  I don't need anyone to help me figure out what I need to do on any given day.  I usually have more to do than I can fit in a day.  I love my day-planner and every appointment and engagement is carefully written in it.  But when I'm depressed, I withdraw and I avoid interaction for any reason and as much as possible.  Small chores and obligations stack up undone and before long I am adding to the depression because I now have the guilt of all that is left unaccomplished.  So my therapist helped me create a simple list of places to go and people to see that normally I would not need help in assembling.  

After that, it was up to me to decide whether I would follow through.  No one is going to follow me around and make sure I do the work.  No one else is going to reap the benefits of doing it.  It's of little consequence to anyone else (except perhaps, Kyle, because he's stuck living with me!) if I do the work or don't do it.  Most of the time I do it.  Sometimes I don't.  And it's usually apparent to me in little ways that doing the work is what helps me persevere.  

My list was simple, but I'm not saying it was easy.

• Take some donations to Goodwill
• Go to the gym 3 times
• Call a friend for lunch
• Go to choir practice
• Attend service on Sunday 
• Sign up for an online class at Coursera 
• Sleep 10 hours or less
• Eat right

I didn't want to do any of them.  Driving anywhere I didn't have to go seemed demanding, but once I unloaded those boxes at Goodwill, it was a relief just to have something little done. 

I detest working out.  I put it off as much as possible and I look for any excuse to keep me from going.  But the truth is, I feel physically and mentally so much better after a workout, even if it's just 45 minutes on the treadmill.  Exercise is proven to combat depression, and is a natural and free way to treat it.  Emotionally I feel good about doing something right for my body and I am always hopeful that working out more regularly will help me lose weight.  There is no down side to going to the gym!  But getting me there is not an easy task.  I decided to try a Zumba class to see if something more "fun" might make the gym more inviting.  I was proud of myself for trying something new - especially something physically challenging.  It's hard enough to try new things during my "up" times, let alone when I want to hide from the world!  

But going to the gym was not the only new activity in my week.  I've never regularly attended any church, but I was invited to sing in the choir at the Unitarian Universalist church.  This was appealing to me because music was a huge part of my life from fifth grade through my senior year of high school.  I loved singing in choir and I devoted a lot of time to practicing and playing the trumpet.  I got away from it in college, and I've missed it greatly.  It was also appealing because I've been wanting to attend a UU service for some time, but again I hate trying new things, so I kept putting it off.  Singing in the choir gave me a chance to sing again, and a reason to be there for service on Sunday. Choir practice was especially uplifting and enjoyable, but the service on Sunday was meaningful as well.  

My sis-in-law called me unexpectedly and wanted me to go to Ft. Collins with her and we had dinner.  I had lunch with my friend Ivan.  My mother made me a birthday dinner and Kyle and I played cards with my parents for several hours Friday.  And my father-in-law invited me to a birthday dinner on Sunday.  So I had more interaction with friends and family than usual.  And I spent my birthday hanging out with my two besties...

If you haven't heard of Coursera, and I hadn't, it's a perfect opportunity to take a free class online offered by top universities.  While you do get a certificate, credit is not given, so it's just for fun and for those nerdy people like me who just love to learn.  But engaging my brain is so important to me, and much harder to do when I'm depressed because of my inability to concentrate and process.  I signed up for the modern poetry class, and though I'm not exactly keeping up, I am enjoying revisiting modern American poets and their poetry that I haven't read since undergrad.  

Finally, as for the eating right and sleeping right, those are works in progress, and probably always will be.  

Persevering is also about balance, though.  While I was pretty active last week, I'm not as much this week.  I'm giving myself permission to be okay with that.  My therapist tells me it's okay to take time off from trying so hard to be well.  It's hard to give myself a break, but there's definitely truth to what he says.  I'm still trying to figure out how to tell when I should be in boot camp mode and when I should be a bit easier on myself.  But that's not exclusive to me or those who are depressed - that's just part of being human!

I also persevere because of people who believe in me - Kyle, my therapist, friends, and two wee dogs who depend on me daily.  This is a balance, too - finding intrinsic reasons to persevere but having extrinsic ones to lean on when I'm not my strongest self.  

I do not make great strides.  I take two steps forward, then sometimes twice as many back.  Treating depression is give and take and I'm never certain what will help and for how long.  I know that success will be measured in weeks and months and not in hours or days.  Sometimes I despair and feel hopeless, but fortunately more often I feel hopeful and determined.  I persist because I must, and because giving up is not an option. Perseverance becomes more doable when it is the only option.