Lazy Days in the Sun...

Pip and I are in agreement that these 70-something degree days are perfection.  They are what made those below zero temps and 50 mph winter winds bearable.  Around 4pm each day we venture out to the yard and soak up some sun until Kyle gets home.  Pip has various stages of sun-bathing.  He starts out looking around, peering at the birds, the clouds, and anything else that moves.   

 Then he tries to look at the sun but gets all squinty-eyed in the process. 

 Finally, his eyes close and he starts to relax and just soak up some sun. 

I'm probably a bad mother because I don't put sunscreen on him.  So far neither of us has fallen asleep long enough to wake up scorched.  While Pip sleeps, I read my Nook.  I am thankful to the Nook developers for making my Nook screen glare-free.  It's so nice to have a readable screen even when I am in the sunshine.  It is easier to read than a white-paged novel even with sunglasses on.  


So thankful for warm sunshine.  It's quite wonderful.  Pip thinks so, too.

Another Modge Podge Project...

Last week's Mod Podge project was unexpected.  I had picked up some new CD jewel cases as Office Depot, because I use them to store my clear stamps and I needed some cases that were in better condition.  I was storing them in two photo boxes the size of a large shoe box.  When I bought the cases I noticed that they came in sturdy cardboard boxes that left them perfectly displayed. 

I wanted to pep them up with some scrapbooking paper, so I found some paper in my favorite color and cut it into strips.  

Then I grabbed the Modge Podge and a brush and got to work coating the boxes and the paper. 

Then I adhered the papers and coated the entire box in another layer of Podge.

 

I let it all dry for 24 hours and then sprayed it with a coat of Mod Podge brand acrylic sealer in matte. 

 And ta-da!  Great new boxes for storing my clear stamps!

Authenticity...

First of all, thanks for the sweet Facebook and emailed comments on my Monkey Mind posts.  Your kind words of encouragement mean the world to me!  When I started this blog a couple of years ago, my goal was to find a place where I could be true to myself and speak from the heart about matters important to me.  Read more about that here.  Writing has always been a way for me to organize my thoughts and figure out who I am, but figuring out who I am has been more important to me in the past couple of years as I've been a little lost in figuring out the direction in which my life should go.  I've lost my way a few times, and writing consistently grounds me to a degree.  

It's really hard to figure out who my authentic self is, and to a large degree that is because I am a major people-pleaser and I've spent far more energy and time figuring out how to give other people what they want rather than what my own needs and desires were.  It's really easy to turn my focus to other people when I want to avoid dealing with my own needs.  In its early stages, it felt selfless and generous to always focus on other people, and it was a safe coping mechanism for me when I was younger.  Unfortunately, loss of self and the constant focus on what others need is exhausting and eventually led to resentment - the very opposite of what once felt like a positive way to exist.  

I've heard many times that depression is anger turned inwards.  I never considered myself an angry person, but I've had to acknowledge in the past few months that I have a lot more anger than I ever realized, and it generally manifests in resentment and hurt.  I'd rather do just about anything that get or feel anger, and so I've developed some bad ways of dealing with a very human, necessary emotion.  Now I have to undo it, and it takes time and patience and the willingness to feel discomfort.  

It's still so hard for me to be honest with myself in my writing, both in journaling or here on the blog.  I'm so fearful of criticism or of someone disliking me for something I said.  It's silly and yet so ingrained in my way of speaking, writing and living my life that it warrants addressing in order to move past it.  The only way I can work on it is to take baby steps, and to be a bit more vulnerable than I generally want to be.  

I've been thinking about people I admire or who touch a nerve in me, and I've realized that they are generally people who speak their minds and live their lives in accordance to those beliefs.  And they aren't necessarily people I agree with.  Often the opposite, actually, but I respect people who have conviction and live congruently with their values.  I've realized through reflection and therapy how incongruently I live at times.  I have high standards for myself and others, but often my behavior does not line up with those values, and then I am disappointed in myself and the negativity towards my self spirals out of control.  How many times I have later thought, "I wish I would have said..." or "I wish I would have spoken up...". 

It's so hard to become who we are meant to be.  It takes work to fulfill the potential we have and to give back to the Universe more than we take from it.  How many times I have said, "I should..." or "If only...".  It goes back to active vs. passive behaviors.  A lot of life has passed me by, because when depressed, I don't have the energy or capacity to simply act.  I try to embrace the times when I'm not depressed and make the most of it, but if I'm honest with myself, there's a lot more I could be doing to facilitate the process.  A big part of that is living with authenticity and learning to be who I am meant to be.  What a huge task!  But one that totally started to pay off the minute I started to come out of my shell and figure out who I really am outside of the past roles I have had.  

It's a raw feeling to open myself up to criticism.  I feel akin to a moulting snake.  Using its head upon a hard object, the snake splits its skin and begins the process of crawling out of the old skin turning it inside out.  Mid-process, the snake appears grotesque, but once moulting is completed, the snake's skin is vibrant.  The snake has to go through this process in order to grow, and therefore gets a frequent fresh start, sometimes several times a year.  I'm learning to appreciate that I can have fresh starts as often as necessary, just like the snake.  The snake grows all his life, so he must continually undergo the moulting process.  I'm a big believer in life-long growth and learning, so this is a particularly meaningful analogy for me.  

I hope that as I experience the growing pains of finding my own authenticity, I can remember the inspiration of the snake.  It may not always be pretty, and it may even be quite painful at times, but the potential for vibrancy is always present.