I've blogged here about my decision and the reasons for gastric bypass surgery. I am definitely glad I had it, and I would chose it again. I am in so many ways healthier than I was three years ago before I had it. Poor habits, medications and depression have led to me regaining the weight, and I talked yesterday about the return of my critical self talk represented by Monkey Mind.
Gastric bypass is not an easy choice, came with months of complications, but may have saved my life. The surgery itself was a passive act to change my health. The active part - eating better, exercising and taking care of myself - was all left up to me. The bypass did its part 100%. I gave about 25-50%. Bypass is a tool, not a solution in and of itself.
As Monkey Mind returned and began her critical tirade, I decided I was actively going to make my life different. My bypass still works as well as ever. My eating capacity is very tiny - around the size of a large egg. I just eat the wrong foods (too much sugar, carbs and not enough protein, fresh fruits and veggies). So the good news is, I haven't undone the medical procedure designed to help me keep a healthy weight. So that is one piece of ammunition to throw back in M.M.'s face. I still have my tools. I just have to use them!
I met with the nurse practitioner that Kyle sees to monitor his diabetes. She set me up on a meal plan of 1600 calories per day, 100 grams of protein (yowie!), 15 grams of fat and set amount of carbs, etc. She also has me monitoring my blood sugars because I've been having hypoglycemic episodes. The 1600 calories are totally doable, the 15 grams of fat is harder. I don't stick to my meal plan 100% every day, but I'm making serious efforts. Far fewer sweets are in the house. Complex carbs are slowly replacing simple carbs. I'm choosing protein bars for snacks instead of crackers. I'm keeping a food journal to track my food, calories and protein.
But I have to be honest with myself. I have a weakness for sweets and carbs. I could care less about steak or hamburgers or even french fries anymore, but I love sweets and I could live on Olive Garden breadsticks. I know that the quickest way to make me binge on the not so good foods is to tell myself I can't have them. Monkey Mind goes bananas thinking she's deprived and her cravings become my focus.
I decided that I am never going to be one of those people who can just never touch sugar or white flour again. It's just not realist for me. For those that can, I applaud you a million times and envy you. I realized, though, that I can minimize those foods and counteract their impact on my diet by being more active.
I have never been a lover of exercise. Give me the option of going for a jog or curling up with Jane Austin, and I'd rather powwow in Pemberley. Flashbacks to high school PE are enough to keep me sidelined for eternity. BUT I've found ways of overcoming my aversion to exercise. I prefer the term "fitness" because M.M. doesn't have a negative connotation with it the way she does with exercise.
I also figured out that doing something I love to get in that movement every day makes it far more likely that I'll do it. Four years ago, Kyle and I bought cruiser bikes that we love. We haven't used them much, though. This year, with the early great weather, I started riding the moment my surgeon cleared me. Biking is fun, and if it's fun, it can't be exercise, right? The even better part about biking, is that I have a companion. With my gym membership, I went alone. Not great motivation for me. Even though I'm too out of breath to talk much, there's just something to be said about having someone to work out with. When we bike, Kyle and I are rarely side by side, but we're watching out for each other, and cheering each other on. That helps.
Kyle's health is also important to me, and I know that when I ride and bring him along, he's getting fitter, too, and that quiet's monkey mind as well. Monkey mind likes to remind me that he's older than me, lost a parent to cancer, has diabetes, etc. In other words, M.M. whispers, "What if you end up alone?" By biking, I'm telling M.M. to pipe down about my hubby's health, and that gives me more inner peace. It improves our relationship in general to do something together every day when he gets home from work. We even make an evening of it once a week, stopping for a picnic in the park.
Another source of motivation for me is Step Up Cheyenne, a local program that encourages citizens to get in their 10,000 steps per day, the surgeon general's daily recommended amount of walking. We can log our steps, convert our riding to steps, and even win prizes along the way. It's just fun to see how fast our steps add up, and to track the effect on our overall health.
So the overall best part of all this is that I'm making conscious, active decisions that are impacting my physical health primarily, but also mental health. When I get home from a ride on my bike, I get to log around 7,000 "steps". I am exhausted, red-faced and sweaty but I feel so good about getting off the couch and getting my heart rate up. It slowly boosts my self esteem which in turn slowly quiets Monkey Mind. That in turn reduces my depression and leaves me thinking much clearer.
I'm always amazed at the ways Monkey Mind tries to interfere with my good intentions. She mocks the way I look on my bike, how much weight I've gained in my face, the fat under my chin, the way my clothes fit. Sometimes she is so critical that I want to crawl in a hole and hide, but I'm learning that the more rides I go on, the stronger my will gets and the quieter hers becomes. Maybe I do have a fuller face than six months ago, but I'm doing something about it. And that's all I can ask of myself.
I can honestly say I'm doing my best to make my health better, and hopefully that will in turn decrease my jean size. But I'm still me either way, and it's time Monkey Mind learned that.
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