Spring Fever...

This weather is GORGEOUS.  I told Kyle that I don't remember a March as beautiful as this one has been.  Although we need the moisture of snow (which is set to return Monday), I can't help but love these temps we have had lately.  Yesterday Kyle and I went to Boulder to see the surgeon and get the last of my stitches out (hurray!) and we enjoyed lunch on the patio.  I had a black long sleeved shirt on and I felt like I was baking in the 80 degree sun, despite my hat and shades. 

Even though I was too toasty, sitting in the sun felt divine.  Loved the warmth, the breeze, the busyness of the Old Town area.  It appeared that the Boulder kiddos were on Spring Break, and the Into the Wind kite shop across the street was packed!  Kyle and I got a kite to try out when we go to his father's for Easter next weekend.  It just felt great to be able to take our time and enjoy the great weather. 

Kyle is outside doing yard work today and it's already looking wonderful in the back yard.  Four of our daffodils out front have bloomed, the hyacinth are on the verge and many more (tulips, maybe?) are on the brink.  Can't wait to plant pansies in my front rail boxes, but that will be closer to the end of April.  After all, it IS Wyoming and we'll likely get a blizzard or even two before the end of winter.  

Spring makes me want to CLEAN, and the fact that Kyle is getting so much done makes it even worse that I am not cleared for housework yet.  Just light tasks.  No vacuuming, though.  I asked, and was told another 10 to 14 days.  Yipes!  How is that possible?  It feels like it's been months but really it's been 16 days.  I want to ride my bike, too!

I'm excited about the nicer weather to get some weight off.  I have gained some substantial pounds over winter and I would love to start working them off.  I'm participating in the Step Up Cheyenne program and am super excited about the added support I will get from it.  I definitely need motivation!  

Spring is my absolute favorite season.  Lilacs are my favorite flower, and will be here in a month or two.  I adore those days in the hammock with a book or my Nook and my puppies.  The depression I feel in the shortening days of October finally dwindle away as the days lengthen.  Riding my bike I feel like a carefree kid for at least an hour or so.  Meeting a friend in the park is a great way to pass the morning.  A picnic to the mountains with Kyle is a favorite way to spend the Memorial Weekend in May.  I guess I like spring because it lets me blossom, too.

The Finished Lampshade...

Just for Jerri - here is the finished product!   I LOVE it.  I just need to put a brighter bulb in.  Obviously I decided to add the ruffle - I wanted a flare of femininity. 

For details on how I did it, check out my post here.

So Happy With My Surgery...

A week ago at this time I was in Recovery coming out of the anesthesia after my breast reduction surgery.  I was filled with anxiety about this surgery because I had unexpected complications after my gastric bypass, but everything has gone perfectly so far and I am filled with gratitude for the simplicity this time around.  

One big difference between this surgery and my last is the incisions.  With the bypass I had six small (approx. 1 inch wide) incisions through which surgery had been done laparoscopically and each site was stapled with one staple.  The breast reduction, though, has some serious incisions that are closed with many sutures, and because I also had a lift (basically putting my girls back where they originally started out), the hardest part for me to grasp was the repositioning of a certain anatomical part.  I won't go into the details, but if you're interested about what the surgery consists of, you can read more here.  

Because of the extent of trauma on the body, it takes several months to completely heal.  Most patients notice a difference immediately, and I definitely did.  When I sat up for the first time I already noticed I felt lighter, that my posture was better and my neck didn't feel like it had an anchor tied to it.  And my belly stuck out further than my chest for the first time in a long time.  When I jokingly mentioned that to the surgeon he said, "We'll save that for another time!"  No, thanks, doc!  But anyways, it was exciting to notice improvement so quickly.  


I went in for my first follow up on Tuesday this week.  This was to get the drains out and see how everything was healing.  I asked the doc what amount had been removed.  His answer shocked me - just over a kilo (2.2 pounds) on each side.  So I lost almost 5 pounds of breast tissue and fat in just under 3 hours.  No wonder I felt relief so soon!  That is the equivalent of carrying a sack of sugar on my chest!


Today I went through my closet and tried on a few sweaters and shirts to see how differently clothing fits now.  Sweaters fit much better, and all the cute jackets I have that I could never come close to buttoning fit great.  It's so exciting to have a better fitting wardrobe.


Tomorrow I get the stitches out, which I am looking forward to.  They are made of something that looks like fishing line, and sometimes it sticks through my bra and shirt like a spike.  I am doing great without pain meds except I did take some at bedtime last night.  Laying flat makes them swell a bit, so sometimes sleep is a little painful, but the added meds helped a bunch, and I'm able to sleep on my right side which is the only way I ever sleep.  


I have to remember to be careful even though I feel pretty good.  There are some very strange sensations that occur.  Nerve endings are recovering, rewiring and renetworking, so there's buzzing sensations and tiny jolts of pain here and there.  But I'm so willing to pay that price for all the benefits of this surgery.  I would do it again in a heart beat, and I'm not even close to healed yet!

Operating at Full Capacity...

Tired but happy and healthy-er.

Not only did I recently undergo surgery, but I also had a sleep study in mid February.  The immediate results confirmed my belief that I did not in fact have sleep apnea.  Other indicators showed that I was waking up many, many times a night which was preventing me from reaching deep, REM sleep.  

Yesterday I finally saw the physician that interprets the sleep study results.  I have a type of restless leg syndrome, which is a disorder that makes your legs feel like they need to move, and usually occurs when one is trying to sleep.  Causes range from lack of iron, diabetes, pregnancy and withdrawal.  It's probably a side effect of the medication Seroquel, which I take for mood stability and sleep.  So ironically, the one medication that has effectively helped me sleep is also preventing me from sleeping.  But looking at recent bloodwork, my ferritin, serum level (a measure of iron), is low.  Mine is a SIX and it should be at least FIFTY.  

I will start taking an iron supplement immediately, as well as melatonin to try to regulate my hypothalamus and also help with sleep.  The sleep doctor also will recommend a low dose of a an anti-anxiety drug that can help relax the body ahead of time so that I can be still when it's time to sleep.  But he's making that recommendation to my psychiatrist in order to leave my psychiatrist as the main person mixing and matching my meds. 

I am assuming that when I recover from this surgery in a couple of months, and get the melatonin and iron going to aid me in getting a good night's rest, that I will have a lot more energy and passion.  At some point, I'm bound to start feeling better.  And hopefully, at some point, with a lot less pharmaceutical intervention!  But I'll take it in whatever form I can get it!
 

Recovering...

I had surgery Thursday, and it's now Monday and I am amazed at how I feel this time compared to how I felt after my gastric bypass surgery.  It's not even remotely close to the same experience.  Let me just say, the quality of medical care in Colorado versus what I've experienced in Cheyenne is also incomparable.  The kindness of staff and the quality of work done in Colorado has left me feeling so much better about myself and my recovery.  

Thursday went very smoothly.  I checked into the surgery center at 7 am for 8 am surgery.  I was taken back right away and put into a gown and compression leggings to prevent blood clots.  It was a gymnastic feat to get into those stockings - akin to trying on Spanx.   After I had changed, they put the IV in my hand.  My veins were hiding since I hadn't had anything to drink after midnight and because I was nervous, so the nurse put my arm in a warmed blanket and left it hanging off the side of the bed, and in about ten minutes the nurse found my vein and hooked me up to the IV.  Then the anesthesiologist came to visit with me and told me he would probably put a breathing tube in as that seems to be best for the patient, allowing clear breathing throughout the process.  The tube was put in and taken out while I was under anesthesia, so I have no memory of it, other than a bit of rawness and scratchiness in my throat.  

Finally, the surgeon came in and drew all over me with a purple Sharpie.  This was, by far, one of the most intensely odd experiences of my life!  He had me sit up straight on the edge of the bed, then he raised the bed so that he was eye level with my chest.  I was staring at the wall over the top of his head.  It was so strange to be shirtless in front of him as he started drawing all over me, and even stranger as he handled each side as if he were weighing melons in the supermarket.  Meanwhile Kyle's sitting in the corner of the room somewhat bemused.  The point of the marking is to try to get the finished result as parallel and as even as possible.  When he was finished, he said he'd see me in a few minutes in the OR. 

They put something lovely in my IV to help me relax before they wheeled me into the OR, so all I remember is kissing Kyle goodbye and telling him not to worry about me, and then I was out.  This also happened before my last surgery.  I have no recollection of getting to the OR and switching to the other gurney, or of counting backwards until I fell asleep.  I joked with Kyle that I had the easy part because I got to sleep through the next 3 hours, and he had the worry of waiting. 

When I started coming out of anesthesia, I remember the nurse asking me what my pain level was and answering that it was a 4.  She immediately gave me pain medication through my IV, and that was the worst my pain ever got through this whole experience, which has been completely tolerable.  My dear hubby was brought  back to me as I fought off the anesthesia and came back to consciousness.  His worried puppy dog eyes were anxious and I immediately reassured him that I was great.

The first order of business was to get something into my stomach without nausea.  They offered me apple juice and graham crackers, which sounded just as good as lobster tail and a baked potato to me at the time.  I slurped down the juice and immediately was given another.  I had no problem with upset stomach, so the next goal was to get to the bathroom and change back into my own clothing.  

Upon standing for the first time, I already noticed a huge difference in the way my chest felt.  It was wrapped tightly under two ace bandages, and quite smooshed down.  It felt like there was nothing left, though I knew better.  The nurse escorted me to the bathroom and then helped me step back into my own pants and we got a loose tank top over my wraps followed by a zip up sweatshirt.  They had advised me to bring a button up or zip up shirt to wear home so I wouldn't have to lift my arms.  Good advice, although at that time I had almost no soreness so lifting my arms wasn't an issue.  I slipped on my slippers and went back to my bed and Kyle.  Less than two hours after I was in recovery they were ready to let me go!  Kyle pulled his car around behind the surgical center, and the nurse walked me out.  I got into the passenger side and propped a pillow between my chest and the seat belt.  

The drive home had been my worst fear.  I had debated whether to get a hotel room for another night or try to make it an hour or so towards the two hour ride home.  I finally decided to play it by ear and see how far I was able to make it home.  I assumed it might be better to make a mad dash for home while I was still under the effects of anesthesia and pain meds.  This worked perfectly.  I fell asleep in the car and slept most of the way home except for a quick stop for food.  I was ravenous, so when we got to Longmont I asked Kyle to get me a cheese quesadilla and coke at Del Taco.  I inhaled both, then promptly fell back to sleep.  

Once home I was feeling pretty good.  I walked unassisted into the house and said hello to my mom and my babies.  Mom had spent the night with them in case we needed to stay in Colorado longer than expected.  She remarked on how well I looked.  I settled into the loveseat and dozed off and on while watching TV.  Pip was almost inseparable from me.  He's very perceptive and knew something was going on before I even left. 

 We snuggled off and on, and Dobby joined us once in awhile.  

My day was brightened immensely when these arrived from my Sister in law.

 

I have had minimal pain.  The two biggest discomforts are the drains that are in each side and then the fact that I can't sleep lying down.  I have to sleep at least a 45 degree angle.  This keeps the swelling down, which is very important.  Tomorrow I go back to the surgeon's office and get those drains out, as well as seeing my breasts for the first time.  They will not be pretty, but it will be great to see where I'm at with the healing and get this compression off for awhile. It's very itchy!  I'm very glad I've had this done, and very relieved that so far everything has gone extra smoothly.

 

A Little Pinterest Craftiness...

If there's two things I love, one is Pinterest and the other is Anthropologie.  Each is a crafter's dream.  I found this Mari Makes Blog Post for recreating an Anthropologie shade on Pinterest and fell in love.  Since I had two plain lamp shades in my bedroom I decided they were just the ones for a makeover.  The directions provided on Mari Makes are right on, although I struggled with the look at the inside top of the shade.  

I have basic $18 lamps from Target that are cylindrical in shape and white.

Setting the lamp on paper to prepare for the gluey mess.

I used this matte Mod Podge  I love the matte finish for a lamp - no need for shininess on my shades for me.  I was concerned, too, that the amount of dusting life in the West requires would scratch the finish, so matte was a better option. I slathered the Podge onto the lamp with foam brushes.


This was the (emotionally) hard part.  I had to cut up a book for this project.  Remember how when you went from high school, where a mark in a book meant a fine, to college, where books looked like they'd been highlighted by the rainbow and possibly run through the wash machine by the end of a semester?  I was in shock for weeks over the fact that I was supposed to write in such beautiful (expensive!) texts.  Now I do it all the time, but completely deconstructing a book was another issue.  However, I decided if I was going to do this project I was going to pick a favorite.  I went to Goodwill and found a 50 cent copy of Wuthering Heights.  It was a hardback and had thicker pages, which came in handy.  When I got home, I ripped the pages out and then cut them into 2"x 2" squares.  I made sure the squares were mostly free from white space on the edges. 

The rubble of Wuthering Heights

I started slathering the squares with Mod Podge and layering them over one another to prevent gaps.  I only used about two layers, since WH is a fairly short novel and didn't give me lots of pages.  If you want less light to shine through you will need to use more pages or heavier pages.  After the first layer was on I let it dry quite awhile - about 8 hours while I did other tasks.  Then I put the second layer on and let it dry overnight.  

Thankfully, Nature provided a beautiful day so I took the shades outside and sprayed them with this Mod Podge Matte sealer.

I didn't like the look left around the top of the lamp, so I added black ribbon to trim it.  I'm now debating whether to add a black ruffle around the bottom for a bit of femininity.  What do you think?  Ruffle trim or no trim? 

Advances in Medicine...

I have done a fair amount of complaining or at least sharing my frustration with the medical system, the lack of resources, and the side effects of meds.  In my effort to be more grateful, I stopped to assess the current advances in medicine.  I was talking to Kyle today about the experience of my dad's first heart attack when I was 8 years old.  This would have been about 1990 or so.  He was hospitalized for almost a week and then a month and a half later went out of state to get an angioplasty.  It was a huge deal at the time.  Since then, he's had triple bypass surgery and several stints put in.  Aside from the bypass, each of his heart related visits to hospitals has been shorter in duration, and even the bypass meant less time in the hospital in 1999 than it did for chest pain in 1990.  

I visited the surgeon who will do my breast reduction today, and the surgical facility next door where the surgery will happen.  It's an outpatient surgery, which seems crazy to me.  If they are able to manage my pain, and I am able to hold down fluids and food, I get to go home (or possibly, to my hotel room) by mid-afternoon after surgery at 8 am.  So despite anesthesia and considerable incisions, I'll be out of there in less than six to seven hours.  Granted, I can't wait to get settled in back at home, but it's a little scary to be given that freedom so early.  Especially after the complications I had last time.  Preemptive measures are being take to prevent those, though, so it's good to know I won't have to be in a noisy hospital.  Though I will have to sleep sitting up for about 10 days, this is pretty insignificant given all I know about what to expect.  

Patients get to go home so much sooner these days. And that's terrific!  It's also amazing in many ways.  They can cut you open and send you home the same day.  They can stick a teensy little "tube" into your arteries in your heart via your groin and send you home within a day or so.  So as much as I complain about the crummy parts of medication and doctors, there are also many advances in medicine that make life far better, longer and more enjoyable.  (Not to mention medications that do the same!)

It's my goal to remember that there is much to be grateful for, and what are annoyances to me would be greatly appreciated by someone with fewer options in lesser developed places.  

The Way to Breast Reduction Surgery...

It is not an easy decision for me to opt for surgery.  I had serious complications after my bypass when one of my wounds became infected.  The surgery saved my life, though, and so in many ways it's a bit ironic that the surgery that could have killed me also saved me.  Any surgery is serious and deserves adequate consideration, and this one is no different. 

I had a consultation with a surgeon late last summer.  He thought I was an excellent candidate for a breast reduction surgery, and so we sent for insurance pre-authorization, which was denied. Over a couple of months I collected documentation from two of my primary healthcare providers showing medical necessity.  I also received physical therapy to help with the pain.  All of the documentation helped me get an approval around the first of the year.  So then began the deliberation of whether I really wanted to go through this. 

I will spare you the gruesome details, but this will be a serious surgery.  Unlike the bypass, which was done laparoscopically, I'll have major incisions and significant bruising, pain and drain tubes to deal with.  All of this makes this decision the difficult one. 

But the end results are the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.  Less pain.  Better fitting clothing.  Undergarments that fit and that do what they are supposed to do.  Finding said undergarments in ordinary stores.  Better posture, better ability to exercise and participate in sports, and hopefully, a better self-image or sense of security.  

It's complicated when I've been faced with two surgeries that I've opted for.  Most people are told they need surgery or have to have surgery.  They don't get to decide (unless they don't want to live).  I, however, have now consented to two surgeries deemed "elective".  These two surgeries get a lot of criticism, as do the people who opt to have them.  I feel like I have to defend my choices and lay it all out there (which I guess I'm continuing to do via this blog).  But the truth is, the bypass surgery wasn't an option anymore.  It was the only way I was going to live a longer healthier life.  And while this breast reduction will be aesthetically pleasing when I'm healed in a few months, it also comes with many significant reasons for why it is the right decision for me. 

I've been doing a lot of research on the topic of breast reduction surgery, because I like to know every last detail of what they will be doing to my body.  (Note to others:  Don't google the "after" pictures when you're preparing for the surgery - you really have no need to freak yourself out with what things are going to look like immediately after you're under the knife.) And in reading the blogs of other women and surgeons, I've found that a common thread is that women who opt for breast reduction are sell-outs.  We're succumbing to the pressure to look "normal" or "thinner" or "smaller".  There's animosity out there towards women like me for going through this surgery.  That surprises me a great deal since there doesn't seem to be the same level of vehemence towards women who opt for breast augmentation.  Love double standards!

I've got mixed feelings.  I'm scared - of complications, of the pain, of the incisions, and of the amount of time it will take to heal.  I'm elated - that pain will be gone, I can wear cute shirts and swimsuits, and bras.  I'm nervous - that people will criticize me and misunderstand me.  I'm irritated - that I still can't get away from that belief that everyone has to love me and my decisions.  It's a totally mixed bag. 

My preop appointment is today, and then surgery is next week.  I plan to blog some about the experience, so feel free to ignore those posts if you don't want to hear about my breasts. I totally get it.  I'll go ahead and justify why I am blogging about it - because it is real, it is what I'm experiencing, and it is life - my life.  And that's why I keep this blog - to document my real life.  

Less is More...

I'm not sure whether it's the human condition in general to always want something better or something other than what we have, or if it's the message society has drilled into our brains since we first started being subjected to the media's version of what is "normal".  Either way, I've blogged before (here) about my experience with weight loss surgery and the ups and downs that come with it.  I'm three years out from my surgery now, and my weight is every bit as much as a battle now as it was before the surgery.  

I've often wondered what exactly has made my weight such a major issue in my life.  If I weren't barraged with images of size zeros and made to feel guilty for eating carbs, would I feel so negatively about my weight?  If my weight weren't a reason for ostracizing me and isolation was not a result of my weight, would I feel differently about myself?  Is the way I feel about my weight truly my issue with my weight, or is the issue that which society tells me it should be?  

The answer is both.  I feel negatively about myself and my weight both because I don't feel like I fit the mold for what is "normal" or "okay", but I also take issue with my weight because of the way it affects me physically.  Being overweight is painful both emotionally and physically, and I hate the feelings of being out of breath, aching joints and the discomfort of clothing that doesn't fit.  Weight loss surgery helped me in so many areas, and completely cleared up many of the issues I had that were justification for the surgery.  But one significant area has actually worsened because of my rapid and significant weight loss - my chest size.  Yes, I'm talking about my breasts. 

My breast size has been an issue since childhood.  I began wearing a bra in 2nd grade, which means that by 8 years of age I was already sporting support for the "girls".  I'm sure I probably had a training bra at that early point, but I really don't remember it.  If I did have one, it probably became completely inept at doing its job rather early on.  In fifth grade I became extremely self-conscious of my breast size due to a couple of experiences.  For one, I was playing volleyball, and sports of any kind become a bit more challenging when one is trying to keep everything in place.  Other girls made fun of me and accused me of "stuffing" my bra to enhance what nature gave me - which totally makes me laugh, now, because I would have given anything to look like everyone else and just blend in.  I have trouble holding my arms in the correct position for volleyball due to my chest size - an issue I still have anytime I'm trying to golf or cross my arms in any way in front of my chest.

Puberty is hell on anyone, and the weight increase I experienced at that time only served to add to my bra size as well.  Boys teased, girls were haughty with disgust at my "showing off", and I was just plain miserable.  I remember a feeble attempt at duct taping across my chest at some point in junior high, trying to flatten myself.  While every other girl on the planet (it seemed), would love to have breasts, I was envious of the flat chested girls.   

Beyond high school, and away from the experienced and imagined ridicule for my size in general, I became slightly more accepting of my size.  Accepting isn't really the word, though.  I became  resigned to being the way I was.  I just figured that's how it would always be, since countless attempts at diets and weight loss had only left me feeling even worse about myself.  


Fast forward to late 2009 and my gastric bypass had helped me shed almost 100 pounds.  I was a new woman.  I didn't love my body, but I loved my size - a 10-12.  I couldn't even remember being that small ever.  I was fairly content with the results I had as far as what I looked like when clothed.  And as for being unclothed, well, let's just say that rapid and dramatic weight loss leaves your body looking a bit saggy, droopy, stretched and, in general, like someone much older.  I could live with that, though, because, fortunately (for me, AND you), most of my time is spent clothed.  


While my clothing sizes shrunk, my bra size changed little.  In fact, my cup size didn't change at all, because the excess skin I had now as a result of the weight loss took up as much space as the fat had beforehand.  I have long had to shop at specialty (read:  expensive) stores to find adequately sized bras.  I have to find swimming suits that are in two pieces, because I need a much bigger fit at the top than at the bottoms.  I can't find button up shirts that I can actually button, or if I do they gap so bad between the buttons that I can't wear them that way.  I end up wearing layers - even in summer, to try to reign in the girls.  And they get HOT - so uncomfortable in summer!  


Then there is the issue of back and shoulder and neck pain.  I am a short gal - 4'11" - and my short torso does not adequately provide the necessary support for a chest of my ample size. This creates strain on my spine, neck and shoulders.  I have grooves in my shoulders from the straps of my bra that are weighed down with the weig

ht of my chest.  Finding dresses or one piece garments is almost impossible because the chest size is never adequate.  


A large chest is not conducive to hiding from the world, which is my preference the majority of the time.  It's uncomfortable physically, but emotionally as well.  I have confidence issues and would likely criticize myself even if I had a dream body, but the fact is I will never have a dream body.  I have what I have.  

I do have some options available to me to minimize some of the negative affects of my chest size, and so I've opted to have a breast reduction surgery. 

To be continued....

Attempting Video Creation...

Check out my video I made about Pip and Dobs.