Compulsive Spending Part IV: A Solution

I do not find it easy to ask for help.  I think I've told the story here on the blog about how I had to be blind-folded for a week while in treatment in Texas.  The purpose was to teach me to ask for help.  I struggle with this as much as ever, but I am seeing how important it is to have a support system in my life's journey.  Most incredibly, a loving spouse who never fails to show his support.

Coming clean to Kyle was the first step in finding a resolution.  He knew we were struggling to pay the bills, and he knew I was not doing great at managing our money, but out of respect for me and trust in me, and maybe due to a smidge of denial on his part, he didn't inspect our budget or checkbook or in any way hold me accountable (even though I had asked, and asked...and asked).  But as long as he kept his head in the sand, I could continue to get my "fix", so in some ways we were both comfortable in our discomfort.  

I've become too exhausted - emotionally and physically - to continue to play this money game.  The amount of mental energy to keep it all planned and executed, and then find ways to make up for it, pay the bills and still have money to eat, is all more than I can handle. 

I wholeheartedly believe that marriage is a sacred partnership.  As such, I believe it is essential for both partners to be aware of the important matters - finances, especially, considering how many divorces occur over money issues.  Exasperated, I told Kyle that we have to get on the same page.  He was feeling the same way.  I told him "I need your support to hold me accountable with money.  I need you to know what the bills are and how much and how to pay them.  It's just common sense.  Both of us should know where we stand.  If anything comes up, you need to know what I know so you can pay bills."  Even if I hadn't misspent, we should have been doing that all along.
 

And he said, "Ok".  We worked out a plan, with the help and support of my therapist.  

• All credit cards are cut up.  As each is paid off, it is to be closed.  Yes, I know this hurts our credit score, but I'm willing to risk that in order not to have the temptation. 
• We registered for Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, which I am really excited about.  Many friends have taken this course and it has changed their lives.  Ramsey's course will teach us much we don't know - how to stick to a budget, build up savings accounts, and even retirement accounts.  (As a side note, remember how my word for 2011 is "peace"?  I trust this class will bring us much peace!). 
• I cut up my debit card.  This one hurt!  My debit card is my security blanket.  From now on I can only use cash and checks, and a lot fewer places are taking checks these days.  If I want cash, I have to go to the bank to get it, which I hate doing.  I do have a paypal account that has a debit card, so I can deposit my monthly "allowance" there, but it's not linked to checking so I can't pull out any more than I purposefully put in.  
• Kyle and I plan our menu and grocery shop together.  We shop from the list and if it's not on the list it doesn't go in the cart.   
• I don't go to stores "just to look". 
• I don't go to favorite stores anymore.  At all.  Period. 
• I wrote a list of every single bill we owe, the total amount owed, the monthly payment amount and any notes for each and Kyle and I went over it.  Full disclosure.  It was SO hard to do that!  Not that I wouldn't have shown him if he had asked...but I've already been through that.  Here it was, in black and white, where we stand and what I'd (and we'd) gotten us into.  While it was super tough to do, it was a huge relief to know that he knew the worst.  And still, he supports me.  And loves me.  Even when I least deserve it. 
• I drew up a budget (which I actually do quite well) and shared it with him.  Now we just have to stick with it (which I don' do quite so well). 
• We scheduled weekly meetings, in our day-timers, to sit down with one another, go over the week's expenses, balance our checkbook and see where we stand.  No more avoiding the truth. Communication is ESSENTIAL, and something we're both still working on improving. 

What a sense of relief I have with our new plan in place.  Not that it's going to be easy, and not that I (we) don't still have a lot of hard work to do.  I heard today something I had heard before but forgotten:  "The difference between a dream and a goal is having a plan and acting on that plan."  We have a plan, and we're acting on it.  I don't know how long it will take us to get out of debt, but I know we can do it and that in addition we can live a debt-free and abundant life.  

I must do some work on myself to find ways of feeling valued and important without a label on my clothes or a receipt in my pocket.  Kyle has to learn that holding me accountable and being responsible isn't the same as policing me or not trusting me.  Together, we have to use our skills and resources to develop the baby steps we need to take to keep us on track.   

We have a lot of growing up to do, but I'm thinking it can't possibly be as much work as all that compulsive spending was!