I want to detail what a compulsive spending habit really looks like day to day. At least, what it looks like for me. It's often a symptom of bipolar disorder, but that doesn't show how it takes over life and drives people like me to make horrendous decisions when it comes to money management. Compulsive spending crept into my life as soon as I couldn't eat for emotional reasons. I began to spend for emotional reasons.
It started out small. I never go to
expensive places and rarely buy expensive items -rather, I am
thrilled with deals and bargains. I spend a little here and a
little there, and initially it felt inconsequential because it wasn't large amounts of money.
I'll refer to the compulsive spender as Compulsive Me. When I can't sleep and I get the urge to spend, Compulsive Me mentally plots the next spending adventure and count the hours until the stores open. I know the business hours of my favorite shops. I know who opens earliest and plan to visit them first. By the time I am done there, the next store is open. I have a route planned before I leave the house to determine which order to visit them in. Even if I grow tired, I have to "complete" the planned store visits. Otherwise, I get intense anxiety and thoughts that won't go away.
My sprees are structured and have routine; that is part of the exhilaration. Why? I'm not sure, other than it gives me a longed for sense of control in the midst of a very chaotic experience. In my head, I list the stores I want to go to. I methodically shop each store in a manner that is distinct for each. For example, in store R, I shop clothes first, then housewares, then journals and stationery, then home decor, then shoes, then handbags, then cosmetics and health & beauty. In store T, clothes, then cleaning, then home organization, then seasonal, then office and finally candy/snacks. In M, handbags first, then health & beauty, then shoes, clothing, housewares, journals and stationery, and finally home decor. I never deviate from this pattern, and if for some reason I must, my anxiety goes through the roof.
Compulsive thoughts and actions appear in various ways. Say I find a handbag I love (or at least, love in the moment). It's likely going to come in a variety of colors or designs. This is complicated for me. Compulsive Me says, "You have to have one of each color in order to be complete." "You can't just pick the black shoes. What will you wear with your brown clothes? Just get the brown shoes too." Completeness or a sense of wholeness is important for Compulsive Me. Compulsive Me needs a "set" or else she gets highly agitated. Otherwise it's not perfect. And everything has to be perfect. This might mean buying several items at once, or returning to the store again and again until Compulsive Me is content that we're done.
But what if they run out? What if they don't make any more? What if I can't find them next time? Fear drives about 99% of my spending craziness. Logically, I can talk myself out of any of this. Logically, I know that it doesn't matter if they never sell product X again - I'll find something to replace it. But Compulsive Me feels that nothing will ever again be right if I don't have at least one or two backups. (This is where some of that childhood deprivation works against me - I want to know I'm not going to run out of anything). If I take the right action and walk out of the store empty handed, the battle isn't yet won. I cannot let go of the nagging thought, "What if they run out? What if they don't have anymore when you go back?" And as silly as this all seems, this fear drives an anxiety that is unexplainable. The thoughts nag at me like an abscessed tooth, throbbing and consuming. I usually end up going back because I can't stand it anymore. I just want to shut the thoughts up so I can get on with my life.
Compulsive Me is a liar. She tells me, "If you just buy this one handbag, that's it. That's all you need and then you will not spend anymore money that you shouldn't spend." She's fooled me many times with this line. I buy her what she wants and she does pipe down, but usually only for a short time. Sooner than later she's back wants more, demands more, and exhausts me with her neediness.
Compulsive Me needles me. "Just go look around the store. You don't have to buy anything. Just look around," or "Don't you need that gray nail polish you saw last week? You really need that polish. If you don't have that polish you won't feel complete. You should treat yourself. You deserve a little something, after all." Compulsive Me knows all the right buttons to push. She makes me think, "Yeah! I do deserve this. It's only nail polish, after all!" But that's never all. It's nail polish and pens and journals and handbags. One is never enough and going to the store for one item usually ends up with me seeing two or three more. It's a never-ending cycle.
I am hardly doing justice to what compulsive spending really looks like. It's physically and emotionally exhausting to spend so much energy figuring out how, when and where I will shop and then following through. The payoff, though, is an incredible adrenaline rush just like a drug addict or an alcoholic experiences when he uses his drug of choice. At first, it's the deal - the bargain - and that feeling that I got something, for me, at a discount. I experience a "high", a euphoria. I'm quite accustomed to depression and how awful it feels, so anytime I experience
the euphoria of shopping, it is extremely intoxicating and therefore
part of why it is so addicting. I get a tingling sensation in my arms and hands. I get a temporary reprieve from the obsessive thoughts and a complete sense of well-being in taking the items home and finding a place for them or organizing them.
And then, most often, they are forgotten. Before long I think, "What did I buy that for?" and it ends up in the yard sale or donate pile. And like other addictions, it becomes necessary to get a "fix" more frequently than it used to. It has become so consuming that it tarnishes many aspects of my life and begins to unharness multiple consequences.
Come back tomorrow for Part III of my compulsive spending series!
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