This little squirt...
Happy Thanksgiving. My heart is full.
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
My Cup Runneth Over...
My heart is full and I'm experiencing immense gratitude for so many of the comforts in my life. Three things top that long list though.
This little squirt...
This little punk...
And this fellow, who clearly can't stand dogs. Apparently, they can't tolerate him, either. They fall into instant comas when he comes home from work.
You can see I have it pretty tough around here. There's clearly no love, no relaxing, no peace of mind. Yup, I'm pretty darn fortunate. Most importantly, though, is that I know I am. And I bet you are, too.
Happy Thanksgiving. My heart is full.
This little squirt...
Happy Thanksgiving. My heart is full.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Compulsive Spending Part IV: A Solution
I do not find it easy to ask for help. I think I've told the story here on the blog about how I had to be blind-folded for a week while in treatment in Texas. The purpose was to teach me to ask for help. I struggle with this as much as ever, but I am seeing how important it is to have a support system in my life's journey. Most incredibly, a loving spouse who never fails to show his support.
Coming clean to Kyle was the first step in finding a resolution. He knew we were struggling to pay the bills, and he knew I was not doing great at managing our money, but out of respect for me and trust in me, and maybe due to a smidge of denial on his part, he didn't inspect our budget or checkbook or in any way hold me accountable (even though I had asked, and asked...and asked). But as long as he kept his head in the sand, I could continue to get my "fix", so in some ways we were both comfortable in our discomfort.
I've become too exhausted - emotionally and physically - to continue to play this money game. The amount of mental energy to keep it all planned and executed, and then find ways to make up for it, pay the bills and still have money to eat, is all more than I can handle.
I wholeheartedly believe that marriage is a sacred partnership. As such, I believe it is essential for both partners to be aware of the important matters - finances, especially, considering how many divorces occur over money issues. Exasperated, I told Kyle that we have to get on the same page. He was feeling the same way. I told him "I need your support to hold me accountable with money. I need you to know what the bills are and how much and how to pay them. It's just common sense. Both of us should know where we stand. If anything comes up, you need to know what I know so you can pay bills." Even if I hadn't misspent, we should have been doing that all along.
And he said, "Ok". We worked out a plan, with the help and support of my therapist.
I must do some work on myself to find ways of feeling valued and important without a label on my clothes or a receipt in my pocket. Kyle has to learn that holding me accountable and being responsible isn't the same as policing me or not trusting me. Together, we have to use our skills and resources to develop the baby steps we need to take to keep us on track.
We have a lot of growing up to do, but I'm thinking it can't possibly be as much work as all that compulsive spending was!
Coming clean to Kyle was the first step in finding a resolution. He knew we were struggling to pay the bills, and he knew I was not doing great at managing our money, but out of respect for me and trust in me, and maybe due to a smidge of denial on his part, he didn't inspect our budget or checkbook or in any way hold me accountable (even though I had asked, and asked...and asked). But as long as he kept his head in the sand, I could continue to get my "fix", so in some ways we were both comfortable in our discomfort.
I've become too exhausted - emotionally and physically - to continue to play this money game. The amount of mental energy to keep it all planned and executed, and then find ways to make up for it, pay the bills and still have money to eat, is all more than I can handle.
I wholeheartedly believe that marriage is a sacred partnership. As such, I believe it is essential for both partners to be aware of the important matters - finances, especially, considering how many divorces occur over money issues. Exasperated, I told Kyle that we have to get on the same page. He was feeling the same way. I told him "I need your support to hold me accountable with money. I need you to know what the bills are and how much and how to pay them. It's just common sense. Both of us should know where we stand. If anything comes up, you need to know what I know so you can pay bills." Even if I hadn't misspent, we should have been doing that all along.
And he said, "Ok". We worked out a plan, with the help and support of my therapist.
- All credit cards are cut up. As each is paid off, it is to be closed. Yes, I know this hurts our credit score, but I'm willing to risk that in order not to have the temptation.
- We registered for Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University, which I am really excited about. Many friends have taken this course and it has changed their lives. Ramsey's course will teach us much we don't know - how to stick to a budget, build up savings accounts, and even retirement accounts. (As a side note, remember how my word for 2011 is "peace"? I trust this class will bring us much peace!).
- I cut up my debit card. This one hurt! My debit card is my security blanket. From now on I can only use cash and checks, and a lot fewer places are taking checks these days. If I want cash, I have to go to the bank to get it, which I hate doing. I do have a paypal account that has a debit card, so I can deposit my monthly "allowance" there, but it's not linked to checking so I can't pull out any more than I purposefully put in.
- Kyle and I plan our menu and grocery shop together. We shop from the list and if it's not on the list it doesn't go in the cart.
- I don't go to stores "just to look".
- I don't go to favorite stores anymore. At all. Period.
- I wrote a list of every single bill we owe, the total amount owed, the monthly payment amount and any notes for each and Kyle and I went over it. Full disclosure. It was SO hard to do that! Not that I wouldn't have shown him if he had asked...but I've already been through that. Here it was, in black and white, where we stand and what I'd (and we'd) gotten us into. While it was super tough to do, it was a huge relief to know that he knew the worst. And still, he supports me. And loves me. Even when I least deserve it.
- I drew up a budget (which I actually do quite well) and shared it with him. Now we just have to stick with it (which I don' do quite so well).
- We scheduled weekly meetings, in our day-timers, to sit down with one another, go over the week's expenses, balance our checkbook and see where we stand. No more avoiding the truth. Communication is ESSENTIAL, and something we're both still working on improving.
I must do some work on myself to find ways of feeling valued and important without a label on my clothes or a receipt in my pocket. Kyle has to learn that holding me accountable and being responsible isn't the same as policing me or not trusting me. Together, we have to use our skills and resources to develop the baby steps we need to take to keep us on track.
We have a lot of growing up to do, but I'm thinking it can't possibly be as much work as all that compulsive spending was!
Monday, November 7, 2011
Compulsive Spending Part III: Consequences
Compulsive spending brings out a part of me I don't like; a person I don't want to be. The me I show to the world is responsible and pulled together. Compulsive Me is fragmented and in internal chaos. Compulsive Me is late
for appointments because she had stop to look for the latest bargain. She loses track of time in stores and realizes she has spent hours
there and neglected her other responsibilities. She makes me hate her and feel deep shame.
I lie by omission to Kyle, not telling him how bad it's become. This is the worst. I once deemed myself trustworthy and I highly valued this character trait. Now, because I handle the finances and he never asks, it becomes possible to hide the severity of my illness. I go to treatment in Texas for six weeks, but nothing really changes when I come home. He still doesn't look at the budget or the check register. I don't have to cover anything up because he doesn't inquire. A part of me is resentful that I am not getting any help from him on this, and I feel frustrated, alone, angry, sad, and mostly ashamed of how weak I have become. Ashamed of the secrets. Terrified of the loneliness. And haunted by the financial impact that spending is having on my life.
To my credit, I have a need to pay my bills on time and in full. At least I am not using the mortgage money to buy new shoes. It is the discretionary money I can't keep my hands off of. Money set aside for groceries and fuel and other basics is at my disposal. I resolve to spend only X amount of money, but within a week or two I've spent nearly all of it, with another week or two to go before the next paycheck would arrive. The insurance check comes before the roof repair is complete. When the bill finally comes, the money is long gone.
In the midst of all this - when my spending was at its worst - I left full time employment because other aspects of my illness were getting so difficult to deal with. I needed some time to get well. While leaving work lessened my anxiety a great deal, it also left me feeling worthless, purposeless and once more, less than. And as Kyle's job became increasingly demanding, stressful and wearing, my guilt mounted exponentially.
What better way to deal with those feelings of low self-worth and guilt than to go on a little shopping run? Gleeful in the moment of spending, all too soon came even more self-loathing. How to tell my husband, who works sometimes up to 60 hours a week, that we don't even have the money for a tank of gas or a week's worth of groceries? I burned with shame, yet not even that could diminish the drive I felt to spend, and I would soon be back in a store spending money I didn't have.
In the interest of full disclosure, thus began the opening of several store credit accounts. I currently pay on about 12 credit accounts each month to stores like TJ Maxx and Target. I could easily be accumulating substantial savings, maintaining a dream vacation account for us, or paying off our mortgage faster. However, I'm paying ridiculous interest rates on cards that I never should have opened. The juggling act I do to ensure everything is paid in full every month and on time brings me sleepless nights. Extreme stress, as a consequence of my spending, brings me new or more severe symptoms of bipolar disorder. Yet, I continue to do it. I keep spending.
You might think that my house would look like an episode of Hoarders, with all these purchases. Oddly enough, I have very little to show for all the money spent. As I stated in yesterday's blog, I tend to donate often to Goodwill and post items to Freecycle. I can't tell you where thousands of dollars went. It is a complete reversal from where I was five years ago, when Kyle couldn't get me to buy a new book for myself. Now I can't seem to stop the bleeding.
I like to think every cloud - or in this case, every severe thunderstorm - has a silver lining.
Check the blog tomorrow to find out how I am working to make compulsive spending part of my history rather than my today.
I lie by omission to Kyle, not telling him how bad it's become. This is the worst. I once deemed myself trustworthy and I highly valued this character trait. Now, because I handle the finances and he never asks, it becomes possible to hide the severity of my illness. I go to treatment in Texas for six weeks, but nothing really changes when I come home. He still doesn't look at the budget or the check register. I don't have to cover anything up because he doesn't inquire. A part of me is resentful that I am not getting any help from him on this, and I feel frustrated, alone, angry, sad, and mostly ashamed of how weak I have become. Ashamed of the secrets. Terrified of the loneliness. And haunted by the financial impact that spending is having on my life.
To my credit, I have a need to pay my bills on time and in full. At least I am not using the mortgage money to buy new shoes. It is the discretionary money I can't keep my hands off of. Money set aside for groceries and fuel and other basics is at my disposal. I resolve to spend only X amount of money, but within a week or two I've spent nearly all of it, with another week or two to go before the next paycheck would arrive. The insurance check comes before the roof repair is complete. When the bill finally comes, the money is long gone.
In the midst of all this - when my spending was at its worst - I left full time employment because other aspects of my illness were getting so difficult to deal with. I needed some time to get well. While leaving work lessened my anxiety a great deal, it also left me feeling worthless, purposeless and once more, less than. And as Kyle's job became increasingly demanding, stressful and wearing, my guilt mounted exponentially.
What better way to deal with those feelings of low self-worth and guilt than to go on a little shopping run? Gleeful in the moment of spending, all too soon came even more self-loathing. How to tell my husband, who works sometimes up to 60 hours a week, that we don't even have the money for a tank of gas or a week's worth of groceries? I burned with shame, yet not even that could diminish the drive I felt to spend, and I would soon be back in a store spending money I didn't have.
In the interest of full disclosure, thus began the opening of several store credit accounts. I currently pay on about 12 credit accounts each month to stores like TJ Maxx and Target. I could easily be accumulating substantial savings, maintaining a dream vacation account for us, or paying off our mortgage faster. However, I'm paying ridiculous interest rates on cards that I never should have opened. The juggling act I do to ensure everything is paid in full every month and on time brings me sleepless nights. Extreme stress, as a consequence of my spending, brings me new or more severe symptoms of bipolar disorder. Yet, I continue to do it. I keep spending.
You might think that my house would look like an episode of Hoarders, with all these purchases. Oddly enough, I have very little to show for all the money spent. As I stated in yesterday's blog, I tend to donate often to Goodwill and post items to Freecycle. I can't tell you where thousands of dollars went. It is a complete reversal from where I was five years ago, when Kyle couldn't get me to buy a new book for myself. Now I can't seem to stop the bleeding.
I like to think every cloud - or in this case, every severe thunderstorm - has a silver lining.
Check the blog tomorrow to find out how I am working to make compulsive spending part of my history rather than my today.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
Compulsive Spending Part II: The Addictive Experience
I want to detail what a compulsive spending habit really looks like day to day. At least, what it looks like for me. It's often a symptom of bipolar disorder, but that doesn't show how it takes over life and drives people like me to make horrendous decisions when it comes to money management. Compulsive spending crept into my life as soon as I couldn't eat for emotional reasons. I began to spend for emotional reasons.
It started out small. I never go to expensive places and rarely buy expensive items -rather, I am thrilled with deals and bargains. I spend a little here and a little there, and initially it felt inconsequential because it wasn't large amounts of money.
I'll refer to the compulsive spender as Compulsive Me. When I can't sleep and I get the urge to spend, Compulsive Me mentally plots the next spending adventure and count the hours until the stores open. I know the business hours of my favorite shops. I know who opens earliest and plan to visit them first. By the time I am done there, the next store is open. I have a route planned before I leave the house to determine which order to visit them in. Even if I grow tired, I have to "complete" the planned store visits. Otherwise, I get intense anxiety and thoughts that won't go away.
My sprees are structured and have routine; that is part of the exhilaration. Why? I'm not sure, other than it gives me a longed for sense of control in the midst of a very chaotic experience. In my head, I list the stores I want to go to. I methodically shop each store in a manner that is distinct for each. For example, in store R, I shop clothes first, then housewares, then journals and stationery, then home decor, then shoes, then handbags, then cosmetics and health & beauty. In store T, clothes, then cleaning, then home organization, then seasonal, then office and finally candy/snacks. In M, handbags first, then health & beauty, then shoes, clothing, housewares, journals and stationery, and finally home decor. I never deviate from this pattern, and if for some reason I must, my anxiety goes through the roof.
Compulsive thoughts and actions appear in various ways. Say I find a handbag I love (or at least, love in the moment). It's likely going to come in a variety of colors or designs. This is complicated for me. Compulsive Me says, "You have to have one of each color in order to be complete." "You can't just pick the black shoes. What will you wear with your brown clothes? Just get the brown shoes too." Completeness or a sense of wholeness is important for Compulsive Me. Compulsive Me needs a "set" or else she gets highly agitated. Otherwise it's not perfect. And everything has to be perfect. This might mean buying several items at once, or returning to the store again and again until Compulsive Me is content that we're done.
But what if they run out? What if they don't make any more? What if I can't find them next time? Fear drives about 99% of my spending craziness. Logically, I can talk myself out of any of this. Logically, I know that it doesn't matter if they never sell product X again - I'll find something to replace it. But Compulsive Me feels that nothing will ever again be right if I don't have at least one or two backups. (This is where some of that childhood deprivation works against me - I want to know I'm not going to run out of anything). If I take the right action and walk out of the store empty handed, the battle isn't yet won. I cannot let go of the nagging thought, "What if they run out? What if they don't have anymore when you go back?" And as silly as this all seems, this fear drives an anxiety that is unexplainable. The thoughts nag at me like an abscessed tooth, throbbing and consuming. I usually end up going back because I can't stand it anymore. I just want to shut the thoughts up so I can get on with my life.
Compulsive Me is a liar. She tells me, "If you just buy this one handbag, that's it. That's all you need and then you will not spend anymore money that you shouldn't spend." She's fooled me many times with this line. I buy her what she wants and she does pipe down, but usually only for a short time. Sooner than later she's back wants more, demands more, and exhausts me with her neediness.
Compulsive Me needles me. "Just go look around the store. You don't have to buy anything. Just look around," or "Don't you need that gray nail polish you saw last week? You really need that polish. If you don't have that polish you won't feel complete. You should treat yourself. You deserve a little something, after all." Compulsive Me knows all the right buttons to push. She makes me think, "Yeah! I do deserve this. It's only nail polish, after all!" But that's never all. It's nail polish and pens and journals and handbags. One is never enough and going to the store for one item usually ends up with me seeing two or three more. It's a never-ending cycle.
I am hardly doing justice to what compulsive spending really looks like. It's physically and emotionally exhausting to spend so much energy figuring out how, when and where I will shop and then following through. The payoff, though, is an incredible adrenaline rush just like a drug addict or an alcoholic experiences when he uses his drug of choice. At first, it's the deal - the bargain - and that feeling that I got something, for me, at a discount. I experience a "high", a euphoria. I'm quite accustomed to depression and how awful it feels, so anytime I experience the euphoria of shopping, it is extremely intoxicating and therefore part of why it is so addicting. I get a tingling sensation in my arms and hands. I get a temporary reprieve from the obsessive thoughts and a complete sense of well-being in taking the items home and finding a place for them or organizing them.
And then, most often, they are forgotten. Before long I think, "What did I buy that for?" and it ends up in the yard sale or donate pile. And like other addictions, it becomes necessary to get a "fix" more frequently than it used to. It has become so consuming that it tarnishes many aspects of my life and begins to unharness multiple consequences.
Come back tomorrow for Part III of my compulsive spending series!
It started out small. I never go to expensive places and rarely buy expensive items -rather, I am thrilled with deals and bargains. I spend a little here and a little there, and initially it felt inconsequential because it wasn't large amounts of money.
I'll refer to the compulsive spender as Compulsive Me. When I can't sleep and I get the urge to spend, Compulsive Me mentally plots the next spending adventure and count the hours until the stores open. I know the business hours of my favorite shops. I know who opens earliest and plan to visit them first. By the time I am done there, the next store is open. I have a route planned before I leave the house to determine which order to visit them in. Even if I grow tired, I have to "complete" the planned store visits. Otherwise, I get intense anxiety and thoughts that won't go away.
My sprees are structured and have routine; that is part of the exhilaration. Why? I'm not sure, other than it gives me a longed for sense of control in the midst of a very chaotic experience. In my head, I list the stores I want to go to. I methodically shop each store in a manner that is distinct for each. For example, in store R, I shop clothes first, then housewares, then journals and stationery, then home decor, then shoes, then handbags, then cosmetics and health & beauty. In store T, clothes, then cleaning, then home organization, then seasonal, then office and finally candy/snacks. In M, handbags first, then health & beauty, then shoes, clothing, housewares, journals and stationery, and finally home decor. I never deviate from this pattern, and if for some reason I must, my anxiety goes through the roof.
Compulsive thoughts and actions appear in various ways. Say I find a handbag I love (or at least, love in the moment). It's likely going to come in a variety of colors or designs. This is complicated for me. Compulsive Me says, "You have to have one of each color in order to be complete." "You can't just pick the black shoes. What will you wear with your brown clothes? Just get the brown shoes too." Completeness or a sense of wholeness is important for Compulsive Me. Compulsive Me needs a "set" or else she gets highly agitated. Otherwise it's not perfect. And everything has to be perfect. This might mean buying several items at once, or returning to the store again and again until Compulsive Me is content that we're done.
But what if they run out? What if they don't make any more? What if I can't find them next time? Fear drives about 99% of my spending craziness. Logically, I can talk myself out of any of this. Logically, I know that it doesn't matter if they never sell product X again - I'll find something to replace it. But Compulsive Me feels that nothing will ever again be right if I don't have at least one or two backups. (This is where some of that childhood deprivation works against me - I want to know I'm not going to run out of anything). If I take the right action and walk out of the store empty handed, the battle isn't yet won. I cannot let go of the nagging thought, "What if they run out? What if they don't have anymore when you go back?" And as silly as this all seems, this fear drives an anxiety that is unexplainable. The thoughts nag at me like an abscessed tooth, throbbing and consuming. I usually end up going back because I can't stand it anymore. I just want to shut the thoughts up so I can get on with my life.
Compulsive Me is a liar. She tells me, "If you just buy this one handbag, that's it. That's all you need and then you will not spend anymore money that you shouldn't spend." She's fooled me many times with this line. I buy her what she wants and she does pipe down, but usually only for a short time. Sooner than later she's back wants more, demands more, and exhausts me with her neediness.
Compulsive Me needles me. "Just go look around the store. You don't have to buy anything. Just look around," or "Don't you need that gray nail polish you saw last week? You really need that polish. If you don't have that polish you won't feel complete. You should treat yourself. You deserve a little something, after all." Compulsive Me knows all the right buttons to push. She makes me think, "Yeah! I do deserve this. It's only nail polish, after all!" But that's never all. It's nail polish and pens and journals and handbags. One is never enough and going to the store for one item usually ends up with me seeing two or three more. It's a never-ending cycle.
I am hardly doing justice to what compulsive spending really looks like. It's physically and emotionally exhausting to spend so much energy figuring out how, when and where I will shop and then following through. The payoff, though, is an incredible adrenaline rush just like a drug addict or an alcoholic experiences when he uses his drug of choice. At first, it's the deal - the bargain - and that feeling that I got something, for me, at a discount. I experience a "high", a euphoria. I'm quite accustomed to depression and how awful it feels, so anytime I experience the euphoria of shopping, it is extremely intoxicating and therefore part of why it is so addicting. I get a tingling sensation in my arms and hands. I get a temporary reprieve from the obsessive thoughts and a complete sense of well-being in taking the items home and finding a place for them or organizing them.
And then, most often, they are forgotten. Before long I think, "What did I buy that for?" and it ends up in the yard sale or donate pile. And like other addictions, it becomes necessary to get a "fix" more frequently than it used to. It has become so consuming that it tarnishes many aspects of my life and begins to unharness multiple consequences.
Come back tomorrow for Part III of my compulsive spending series!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Compulsive Spending Part I: Birth of an Addiction
 |
| Box full of pens...most never used! |
A few years ago, I knew nothing about compulsive spending but I was quite familiar with compulsive eating. My gastric bypass in December of 2008 succeeded in helping me shed about 100 pounds. I haven't kept off all the weight because I've reverted to some poor eating habits. However, when I first had surgery and couldn't eat much at all, compulsive eating lost its ability to soothe me. Something had to take its place - most addictions aren't shed but rather replaced by other addictions. I began to enjoy shopping, especially clothes shopping.
I cried in countless dressing rooms over the years. I often shopped in the mens' department, which was even more demoralizing. Post bypass, the sizes I owned became saggy and I quickly went through smaller sizes, and shopping became more appealing. It didn't stop at clothes, though. I enjoyed shopping for items I didn't need and often never used.
Like many people with bipolar disorder, I have co-occurring mental illnesses. This means I have other conditions that also contribute to bipolar disorder or perhaps are a result of it. One of these is obsessive compulsive disorder. Many people think of OCD as an illness where one must flip the light switch on and off a certain number of times or enter a room a certain number of times, but again, I'm fortunate to have OCD that is much milder and impacts my life less severely. The difficulty with multiple diagnoses is that it is harder to sort out which symptoms belong to which illness, and thus the best way to treat them. Maybe it doesn't really matter which symptoms belong to which illness, but it is frustrating when treatment only helps some of my symptoms while other aspects of the illnesses greatly interfere in my life.
Let's take compulsive spending, for example. I don't know whether the spending stems from bipolar disorder or OCD, but it is a common occurrence for bipolar patients to have spending sprees and money management issues, often ruining lives and relationships. A few years ago, I wouldn't have believed in the authenticity of compulsive spending as a true addiction. I would have judged "compulsive spenders" as lacking self-restraint and discipline. I would have labeled the "illness" as an excuse.
One of the benefits of experiencing these illnesses is the lessons they teach me. I've learned a great deal about making judgments and walking a mile in another's shoes.
I have insight into where my spending habits come from. I grew up in a lower middle class family and watched my family endure countless years of financial hardship. I hoarded my allowance, saving nearly every dime. I didn't ask for much and didn't need for much. I had wants but mostly kept them to myself and I felt good about being thrifty. I pretended not to care that my clothes were often bought second-hand or that I didn't wear the name brands that the other kids wore. Deep down, though, the sense that I was "less than" and not "good enough" began to take shape. I attempted to find other ways to prove myself, and I tried to be a perfect daughter, a perfect student, and to do anything I could not to be a burden on anyone.
In college, I paid my own way most of the time and lived on student loans. At times I had $20 to live on for the month, and I prided myself on living on so little. I cherished my independence. When I had to ask others for help, especially financial help, it crushed me and again I felt "less than."
Enter Kyle.
The first time Kyle and I grocery shopped together he put items into the cart without a second thought and I panicked because I couldn't keep track of what we spent. Used to accounting for every penny, it was overwhelming to causually spend money. In the early stages of our relationship and through the first year of marriage, I could hardly bring myself to spend money on anything that seemed frivolous or non-essential. Kyle would encourage me to buy something for myself, but I seldom did.
Too soon, all that changed.
Come back tomorrow for Part II of my compulsive spending series!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)