Finding Purpose, Finding Peace...

Today was one of those days I've been waiting my whole life for.  Or at least, the past 8 years or so.  For quite some time I've been struggling with finding purpose.  When I finished my Masters program and had the ability to teach, my heart sank as I came to terms with the fact that teaching in public schools is not for me.  I spent my whole life believing I was meant to teach. I idolized my own teachers, and I read many books about teachers.  Laura Ingalls Wilder, my heroine, was a teacher.  Helen Keller became a teacher.  I forced my brother to play "school" and when he put up a fight I'd play along by myself.  I had always seen myself as a teacher.  Most of the people around me assumed I would teach.  So when I came to the realization that I was miserable in the classroom, I felt like I had wasted thousands of dollars and countless hours on an education I didn't have the desire to use. 

Down deep I believe no education is "a waste", but I was having a hard time understanding who I was if I wasn't a teacher.  I felt no passion, no drive.  No fire burned inside the way it once had.  For several years I have been purposeless, wondering what path I was supposed to take or where I would find my niche.

Today I felt that flame come to life in a way I haven't felt since I sat making up report cards and detention slips twenty years ago.  I was invited to speak to a group of folks who are transitioning from inpatient psychiatric care back into the "real world".  I was to share a bit of my own story and explain why I started the Depression and Bipolar Alliance Cheyenne chapter in the hopes that they will utilize our support group as one more resource to help them along the path to recovery.  It was a very unique experience for me to speak from the side of experience and as the one offering a resource to others.  I have been on the receiving end of some amazing help over the past few years as I've forged many trails through my own recovery process.  I have had many bumps and bruises along the way, but also successes.  It can be harder to see the good through the fog of depression or bipolar disorder.

I didn't speak as an authority or as someone with all the answers, but as a peer - which is the true purpose of the Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance.  We help each other as persons who've been there.  No matter how bad I think I have it, there's always someone worse off.  There is always someone who needs a little more help, a little more kindness, a little more understanding.  For once I'm able to offer those very gifts that have been given to me to others.  Through sharing my experience, I offered them hope.  I offered them a place to be themselves where they can be who they are in the moment.  And in helping others, my own symptoms improve. 

Perhaps I was never meant to teach high school students to write essays and read literature.  Perhaps working in education didn't mean a traditional classroom setting.  I felt today the first real sense of purpose and significance that I have felt in a very, very long time.  I came home elated, buoyed by the amazing resiliency of the human spirit.  I came home proud of every person I met today, and a bit more empowered about my own encounters with mental illness. 

I do not know where my relationship with DBSA Cheyenne will lead me, but I do know that in this moment, my heart and energy are in the right place. Applying for incorporation as a nonprofit and all that it entailed was a great deal of work and a tad bit stressful for this perfectionist.  The gratitude of the group members I see weekly and the experience I had today completely reconfirmed that I am doing something of value for my peers in Cheyenne.  I hope that our organization can encourage others in Wyoming to develop their own support networks.  I have a great many goals and hopes for my little group that incorporation will make possible.  We will be able to grow and serve so many needs.  I will be able to apply for grants and funding that will make our wildest dreams a possibility.

I haven't really dreamed in quite a long time.

Today I'm finding that purpose is leading me to find peace.  Peace is my "word" for 2011.  I am striving to cultivate peace in my life, body and soul.  I am so deeply grateful for all the gifts that were bestowed on me today.