I haven't been doing a good job of posting very often, but you might remember my post before last that talked about putting courage before comfort. It's a terrific theory, but putting it into practice is a whole different matter! I've had a couple of opportunities to try it out this summer, though. I had a total hysterectomy in July - although that would more aptly be called "courage before discomfort". But it came with an added benefit: I couldn't do anything but sit around watching TV and reading for many days, which gave me a tremendous amount of time to think. About life. About direction. About purpose. You know, the little things.
July 8 made it a year since I decided to stop ECT treatments. It has been a year of relief, grief, sadness, madness and just about any mixture of feelings you can imagine. I had given myself a year to work through the many emotions that came after the deep depression that lasted well over a year, the loss of memories and cognitive functioning that resulted from the unsuccessful treatments, and then the aftermath. Part of that year was waiting to see what and how much would return. Would the lost memories come back? Would I regain the level of functioning I had before? Some did return. Much did not. I now think of life "Before ECT" and "After ECT". Kyle and I agree I am about 75% of who I was before. Some days I am very grateful I am recovered to that degree. Other days I am still angry and bitter about not being 100% who I was. As much as I would love to just box up the past 18 months and put them on a shelf somewhere, it's not possible. And while I have come a long way, there is still progress to be made.
However. A point has arrived where I must either stay stuck or make a move. I could stay stuck indefinitely, because even though it mostly stinks, there is a level of comfort in knowing where I am at and what to expect from each day. But that's not stimulating to me, and it's not conducive to good health. So I knew I had to take some action, in some direction. So I've made the decision to go back to school. Again.
I received my Masters in Education a few years ago, but I quickly saw that working in the school system was not a good fit for me. I love teaching and interacting with students. I dislike the paperwork, meetings, and the mounds of senseless time-wasting that goes along with the teaching profession and takes me away from students. I also lost a lot of my knowledge gained from my Masters program. Terminology and other important education are gone. Maybe they will return. I don't know. But I feel I am at a disadvantage to work in education with the missing puzzle pieces, and I certainly don't want to deprive students of the teacher they deserve.
I've had an interest in psychology and mental health counseling long before I became a mental health consumer. I ignored it for some reason, but it's been nudging me more and more lately. I have found an online program I have a great deal of confidence in, and now I just need confidence in myself and my abilities. School has always been a strength of mine, and now I am fearful that I won't be able to perform at my previous level. But I have to try. I have been accepted for admission and I am registered to start classes on September 2nd. I will be working on a Masters in Mental Health Counseling. I'm very excited and terrified at the same time. I look forward to building a new foundation, a new career path, and an opportunity to prove to myself that I can do whatever I set my mind to. I'm definitely putting "courage before comfort", and while it's daunting it's also really amazing how wonderful challenging myself can be.
It's all I can do not to race out and buy new notebooks, pens and post-it notes. I am anxious because this program uses APA and I'm used to MLA. I've logged into my new student email account half a million times since I got it last week. I'm making notes everywhere to remind myself of what I need to do before Sept. 2nd. It's all good, though. I have focus, I have direction, and I have an end goal in sight. And that feels really amazing.
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