Courage Before Comfort...

What is courageous is a matter of perception that is based on any number of varying aspects including culture, age and life events.  Perception is a funny concept.  And by funny I mean odd, not humorous.  Have you ever listened to someone talk about how messed up they are or how they screwed something up and how down on themselves they are for it, and all the while you are thinking about how cool it is that they even put forth the effort in the first place?  Our varying perceptions make life interesting, and it's one of the many reasons I have long loved literature.  Every reader perceives differently, as does every listener.  Perception gives us variety.  It exposes us to new ideas and allows us to see what we were blind to otherwise.  But our own perceptions can really become far from the truth.  That's when it gets tricky.  

I've been taking an e-course about finding the gifts of our imperfections, based on Brene Brown's book "The Gifts of Imperfection".  This book speaks to me through and through because I am a major perfectionist and I am always criticizing myself for falling short.  I usually fail to give much credit to having tried in the first place.  If I was made Vice President of the US, I wouldn't celebrate my success, but rather criticize myself for not having done enough to become President.  One person might see the VP position as an awesome accomplishment.  Others would see it as second-best and clearly not as good enough.  Perception.

I have fallen into a bad habit of being so concerned with falling short that I don't even make the attempt in the first place.  Instead of celebrating baby steps and benchmarks I am often looking to what could be done better.  It becomes so uncomfortable for me to try experiences for fear of failing that I withdraw from life altogether.  And then disconnection rears its ugly head and causes a whole new set of problems.  

One assignment for this class I am taking was to come up with our personal mantra - something to guide us in our quest to become less perfectionistic.  I blatantly stole the author's mantra because it spoke so wholly to me.  "I will choose courage before comfort".

Comfort is also a tricky concept.  For me, "false comfort" is a true beast.  Sometimes it feels like comfort, because whatever it is allows us to feel less anxiety, be it through drugs, alcohol, food or any other number of numbing agents.  But the "comfort" becomes a problem in and of itself.  Drug abuse and addiction.  Alcohol abuse and addiction.  Food addiction and weight management problems.  Avoidance.  The list goes on and on.  None of those are comforting for long.

I've really tried to focus on allowing myself to be uncomfortable for a short term in order to gain longer term contentment.  It's so hard!  And harder in some areas than others.  I am able to apply this concept in some areas of my life and not in others.  Some days I do well at it and others I do not.  And instead of berating myself on the "do not" days, I am trying so to congratulate myself on the "did" days.

In making my way back from the difficulty of the past year, I am finding myself in need of a lot of support.  It's hard for me to admit that, because it seems like failure and lack of strength on my part.  Others tell me it is a strength to ask for help.  So I have been trying to practice courage in this aspect of my life and ask for support when I need it instead of taking pride in doing all on my own.  I'm still not very good at it, and it's really easy to fall back into comfortable routines, but I do see the benefits when I talk to someone and get my thoughts out of my head and feel that connection that comes from that vulnerability of opening up.  It's a bit ironic that I see vulnerability in myself as a weakness, but in others I admire it as a virtue.  

For me, it's teeny tiny steps at this point, but I think I will be more successful in the long run making small strides.  I hope I can get better at asking for what is needed.  I hope I can get better at leaning in to discomfort.  All I know is, this courage stuff is hard work!