An Update on Meds & Me...

I've written several posts on this blog about my experiences taking psychiatric drugs for bipolar disorder and depression.  One of my most recent posts on the subject was about the massive quantity of medications I was taking and the side effects they caused.  In this post written in July, I discussed my reasons for discontinuing my medications and the many side effects of withdrawal.  I was optimistic that I would be able to remain medication free for an extended period of time, but that was not the result.  

About six weeks ago I began seeing a new doctor and trying a new combination of medications to treat my depressive symptoms.  Try as I might, I could not shake the depression that came as I began tapering off of medications.  I was completely psychiatric medication free for about eight weeks, but it wasn't easy nor healthy for me, and I had to reconsider what direction I would take to treat my medical condition. 

It's really hard to evaluate what the best decision is in a situation like this because depression addles my brain and makes decision-making nearly impossible.  In fact, we bipolars are usually advised to refrain from decision-making during bouts with the mood disorder.  Ironic, since treating the illness impacts our lives in countless ways and can have dramatic consequences! 

I won't go into the nitty-gritty details of the ups and downs of meds vs. no meds over the past few months, but let's just say it's been ugly.  I would not make it through without my supportive and understanding husband and two little dogs who depend on me.  Regardless of whether I am taking medications or not, I realize the value of a support system that lets me be who I am without making me feel badly about it.  Being loved without judgment and without exception is unlike anything else in this world, and while it can't "fix" anything it is a solid foundation for the hard work that must be done.  

I'm not thrilled to be back on medications for my mood, but I am relieved that there is help.  I believe that I am doing what is best for me.  I am cautious, optimistic and following my physician's advice to the letter, but I am also questioning, researching and consciously making decisions along with her.  I love the teamwork approach that my therapist, my doctor and I have.  I know that they can help me a great deal, but that the real work is up to me. 

After much thought and consideration I have stopped running the depression and bipolar support group that I founded two years ago.  I have found that I need all my resources for myself right now.  That's hard for me to admit.  I have had so many unique experiences as a result of running the group, and I'm really going to miss a big part of it.  

I'm in an uphill climb at present.  The medications take weeks to become fully effective, and we have had to increase the dose gradually to prevent side effects.  Even with the decision to return to pharmaceutical intervention, relief is not immediate.  My motivation and concentration are greatly debilitated at present.  I have to be patient with myself and with medicine and the world at large.  I'm not thinking as clearly as I would like and I'm unable to engage in the world as I'd like, but I'm hopeful that "this too shall pass" and I'll see a more familiar version of myself at the other end of the tunnel.  

So that's it for today.  I'm hoping that the mojo to decorate for Christmas will arrive soon and I will have some pictures of my holiday decor to share.