Lots of change is happening for me lately and most of it is
very positive. That doesn’t mean it
isn’t difficult, though! The biggest
change for me has been going back to school.
A year ago, I wouldn’t have dreamed of being in school again. I couldn’t read a book for fun, let alone
comprehend big picture concepts from a complicated text. Now I’ve completed the first quarter of my
Clinical Mental Health Counseling degree program, and I did very well. Much better than I had hoped! I was so worried and didn’t think I could do
it, but I did. It feels really amazing
to accomplish what’s important, but even more so when it’s something that I
feared was unattainable. I was so worried about what it would mean if I couldn’t
do this. I am very grateful that I didn’t
have to confront that.
Sometimes when life goes really well, I worry more about it
unraveling than I do when it actually starts to turn bad. Part of me knows that is a waste of time, and
that I’m ruining the good with the “what ifs”, but it’s hard not to do it. Right now everything seems to be going in the
right direction. I’m excited about my
courses that start December 1st.
I’m looking forward to the holidays, which was not the case last year. Kyle
and I have a vacation planned in January and are excited about getting away
together. My mood disorder seems to be
fairly well managed and my medications are being tweaked with only minor adjustments
rather than broad changes.
I recently had a conversation with someone about how
measuring my current success is all relative to remembering where I was last
year. I find it hard to describe how
difficult 2013 was for Kyle and me, and my mind is not yet where I want it to
be. I would love to see even more
improvement in my moods, and I would especially love to see some improvement in
my memory and cognitive functioning.
However, relative to where I was in 2013, when I was hospitalized four
times, had a delusional episode, had a car accident that totaled my car, lost
my driver’s license, could not answer simple questions such as “who is the
president?”, and had up to thrice weekly ECT treatments, 2014 has been a lot
brighter! It’s a bit of a cliché, but
I’ve come a long way! I really
have. And to bemoan the fact that I’m
not where I would like to be would rob me of the gratitude I have for how far I
have come.
Being back in school and learning, and being able to apply
that knowledge, is my greatest achievement.
Knowing who the President is comes close, though. Getting my driver’s license back was
essential in feeling capable and independent again, and it’s been freeing (but
a bit nerve-wracking!) to be behind the wheel again. Being a partner to my husband again, instead
of someone who is more of a child who needs to be taken care of, has also been
helpful in reviving my sense of purpose and lifting my depression.
I have more work ahead, especially in the area of
reestablishing an identity after the loss of mine last year. I’m starting to rebuild it, though, and
discovering that some of the passions I had before remain important to me. That comforts me and leads me to believe that
I don’t have to completely reinvent myself.
It will just take some work to reestablish who I am and who I have
become in light of the events of the last few years.
