Reading is Fundamental...

When I finally learned to read, I never slowed down. I consumed books voraciously and continuously.  We didn't often have the money to buy many books, so Mom took my brother and I to the library very regularly, especially in the summers when we didn't have the school library at our disposal.  And because I would read through them so rapidly, it would have taken much wealth to keep me supplied anyways!  


The books I did have I treasured, though and I took good care of them.  When I got to college and learned that writing and highlighting in books was commonplace, I was aghast, and it was well into my second semester before I took pen to page.  Now I mark them up in any number of ways, but as a kid I took special care to keep them pristine. 

Most anyone remembers Scholastic and book orders.  I would pour over my book order pages, reading the description of every book on the pages, circling the ones I wanted, and then negotiate with my parents about which ones we could afford.  My parents were great about finding money for book orders even when it probably meant we went without something else.  

I salivate when I think of the delirious joy I felt when that cardboard box was sitting on my teacher's desk just waiting for her to hand them out to us.  But Scholastic and book orders also meant you had to have the money to buy them in the first place, and it would be disappointing to see the other kids go home with their new books when it was one of those times I hadn't asked for or my parents hadn't been able to give me money for them. 

When you were a child, did your school receive the benefit of the Reading is Fundamental (RIF) program?  Kyle had never heard of it when we were talking the other day, and I went to my happy place remembering my experience with it.  

RIFs mission is this:  To motivate young children to read by working with them, their parents, and community members to make reading a fun and beneficial part of everyday life.   

Twice that I remember, but possibly more often, RIF came to my schools to bring absolutely free books to the students which they could then take home.  They would lay them out across the tables in the library or the lunchroom.  The books covered all ranges of topics, reading levels and authors.  Each child could browse the pages, feel the glossy covers and gaze at the colorful illustrations.  Once the treasure was selected, the book he or she would make his own was stamped and the child's name written in it.  What a difficult decision, trying to pick just one delicious book! 


Imagine the absolute treat it is to be given a brand new book, of your choice, for your very own, especially if new books are rare occurances!  Everyone leaves with the same amount of books - just one - and I didn't have to feel any guilt for asking for money from my parents to pay for it.  It was heaven.

My first encounter with RIF was in my very first year of school and Wind River Elementary School.  I ended up choosing The Gingerbread Man.  

And 25 years later, I still have it. 

And see - there's the little stamp and my name written with my Kindergarten teacher's handwriting (and, ahem, mispelled).

In fifth grade I was having an extra hard time deciding which book to pick, so Mrs. Russell (probably for the sake of her sanity and with regard to the amount of time it was taking me) helped me select The Witch of Blackbird Pond.  


And 19 years later, I still have it. 

My name is spelled correctly, but in my own handwriting this time.

 
I wonder how many other adults still have treasured books from their childhood.  Though I moved many many times growing up, these books moved with me always.  They sit on a special bookshelf in my craft room that stores my favorites from childhood, also including:

• All the Beverly Cleary Beezus and Ramona books. (My second set because I completely wore out the first one).
• The Little House series. (My third set because I completely wore out the first two).
• The Anne of Green Gables series.
• It Can't Hurt Forever about a little girl who undergoes heart surgery that I first read around the time my Dad had his first heart attack.
• Striped Ice Cream about a poor family that has chicken spaghetti and striped ice cream to celebrate birthdays. 

Part of the reason I kept these books was because I knew that someday I would want to share them with my own daughter.  One of the hardest parts of deciding not to have our own children was knowing I wouldn't be sharing them with my own little girl.  But I get to share them with others - including you who read this blog. 


I also kept them because they were two of the greatest gifts I ever received. They were not large, did not come in a shiny box and require no accessories.  They were not expensive or extravagant gifts - in fact, the sum total of their sticker prices is $6.00.  (Ahhh, to buy a book for $3.50 again!)  But they were priceless. 

They are a lifetime reminder that reading IS fundamental, for anyone, no matter who you are or what challenges you face in trying to be a reader.  And being a reader is an essential piece of who I am as an individual.  Throwing away these books would have been discarding a piece of myself, and it would have hurt tremendously.  I'm so grateful I held onto them.  


RIF certainly achieved their mission in reaching me with their generosity and thinking back on them and the impact two tiny books had on my life has led me to research what I can do to support RIF and the great work they do.  I'm filled with gratitude for what they did for me.  

Privacy, discretion and respect...

I blog about topics of personal interest to me, mostly because they are happening to me and changing the way I see and act on the world.  I rarely (but have on occasion) use my blog or Facebook as my place to defend or express views on political issues because I find it generally unhelpful - to myself or anyone else.  Lots of blogs and Facebook pages solely exist to defend parties, positions and the issues, and I figure if anyone wants an educated understanding of the "issues" they'll go to more reliable sources for their facts.  I also believe that if you know me well enough, you already know where I stand on most of the issues.  If I live my life in accordance with my beliefs, my beliefs become visible without me having to tell everyone what they are. 

If someone saw my Facebook rant or my "relike if you support Jesus/soldiers/veganism/AA/Chihuahuas for a Better America/etc etc etc" and had a life changing experience I'd be highly surprised.  And if anyone went to the polls and let a "Like if you love M&Ms for World Peace" sway their voting choices - well, maybe they shouldn't be voting. 


I figure, if I want to change the world and open people's eyes to a wider understanding of it, I have a lot more work cut out for me than simply a blog post or Facebook update.  With youth often comes the passion of beliefs, and when I was younger I would zealously defend mine to anyone who cared to listen.  I remember have great debates with my father on issues that were important to both of us, and wondering how he could be so close minded on some and so accepting about others.  But I loved that he cared what I thought enough to argue it with me.  The interaction is what mattered - not that we agreed. 

Then wisdom and age crept in and I realized my dad was "everyman".  We all have our biases and areas where we're open to new thoughts and reflection on our own, and others where we draw the line and righteously defend our right to remain exactly where we're at on the issue.  I am not any different than my father in this respect - we just draw the line at different places.  Maybe that will change at some point, and maybe it won't, but in my experience, those issues that are hot button ones for us are the very ones that are likely to shut us down to new information and ideas and allow us to be more open minded on an issue.  This is an observation - not a judgement.  

As the world has more and more outlets for individualized expression through the media - YouTube, Facebook, Twitter, memoirs, talk shows - there is less and less privacy and discretion.  I see more confrontation and disrespect for others, their right to believe what they believe and their right to be as public or private about the information.  

In this past couple of weeks a couple of incidences have caught my attention on the matter of privacy and respect.  First, it was the storyline that Tom Cruise is getting a divorce.  I am not a Tom Cruise fan.  I am not of the mindset that Scientology, his church of choice, makes for a healthy and positive lifestyle.  I dislike his tirade against psychology, and feel that his opinions would go down a little easier if he was less abrasive.  But none of those things makes him a bad person.  

None of those things make me wish him ill or celebrate the dissolution of his marriage.  I completely disagree with the majority of the philosophies he vocally endorses, but I completely respect his right to believe them.  They don't match mine, but I'd hate to be forced to match his.  I also strongly believe that no marriage is ever perfect, and that we never know what happens in a marriage that is not our own.  Marriage is a private relationship and complex and there are always three sides - his, hers and the truth.  


Was I surprised that the marriage failed?  Not much.  Do I think it's all his fault simply because I don't agree with most of what he says?  Not at all.  Do I have any idea who is the better parent, who did what to whom or who is the "victim"?  Nope.  And does any of this affect my life in any small degree?  Not at all.  This is a public couple, and an especially vocal man when it comes to his beliefs, but that doesn't mean that every detail of their life should be public, and it doesn't mean that I can't respect his right to believe what he likes and that he isn't entitled to some privacy and discretion.  


The second event occurred this morning as I read my usual morning blogs and columns.  I came across one written by comedian Kathy Griffin.  I admire her.  Being a comedian is not an easy undertaking for a female.  She picks on celebrities and made a funny series about her "Life on the D List".  She has the guts to say what's on her mind, a trait which I've wished I had more of at times.  She is good friends with the adorable (in more ways than one), Anderson Cooper.  Mr. Cooper came "out" yesterday about his homosexuality - which was really no surprise to anyone who knows anything about him. 


In Ms. Griffin's article, she tells of a conversation she had with Anderson that went like this:  "Anderson, I’ve been getting asked as much about your sexuality as I have about my own show!”  He said: “Kathy, I don’t get asked as much about my sexuality as you get asked about my sexuality. But here’s my standard party line: ‘I want to report the news. I don’t want to be the news.’”

Anderson is a respected journalist.  He's been, literally, in the line of fire in war zones and more importantly, a compassionate and passionate human being.  Yet, his sexual orientation is of more importance than his list of accomplishments.  This bugs me, to put it mildly. 

Anderson stated:   “I’ve begun to consider whether the unintended outcomes of maintaining my privacy outweigh personal and professional principle. It’s become clear to me that by remaining silent on certain aspects of my personal life for so long, I have given some the mistaken impression that I am trying to hide something—something that makes me uncomfortable, ashamed, or even afraid. This is distressing because it is simply not true.”

This statement broke my heart.  It doesn't matter where I stand on the issue of gay rights and related matters - and as stated earlier, you already know the answers to this if you know anything about me.  But for a professional, accomplished man who has led a respectful and admirable life to have to reveal such personal information for the sake of keeping it from overshadowing everything he has done in his life is - to me - heartbreaking.  

When Bill Clinton came clean about his deceptiveness and lies, I was a young woman who still viewed the highest office in the country as one of dignity.  The President was to be respected because he was the President.  I believed more fervently that I could change the world, and that the President could, too.  Then Bill Clinton addressed the nation, the voting scandal of Bush Vs. Gore happened, and I became all too quickly disillusioned.   I've since reflected on other Presidents who have had less than clean personal circumstances but accomplished marvelous change in their professional roles.  I'm still fuzzy on the line between personal and public when it comes to our most important public figures, but ultimately I am learning to be a little less black and white about the whole situation. 


In my perfect world, the leader of the country would act with complete decorum, dignity, and discretion and thus be revered and respected by all, even if he is not agreed with on the "issues".  Role models of any kind - sports, political, television, etc - would lead their lives in a manner as such that I would be proud to tell my own children about them.  The reality is, human nature is flawed and more in some than others.  

I am by no means remotely perfect, and I would hate to think that my every imperfection would be magnified for the world to see via today's outlets.  At the same time, I believe that public figures must lead somewhat public lives.  I remind myself to be forgiving, because I want forgiveness, too.  But I also remind myself that there is a point where forgiving - and mostly forgetting - too many times can result in being trampled all over.  


At the end of the day, it makes no difference on my life what Tom Cruise or Anderson Cooper does in his life.  Can Tom Cruise be - in my opinion - unlikable and distasteful but still a good actor?  Yes.  Can Anderson Cooper be gay and still a good journalist and humanitarian?  Of course.  

At a time in my own life when I am working so hard to get past the judgements that I think other people are making about me, and change how I feel about my self, how can I sit in judgement of others who are doing the same?  It's none of my business how the custody battle over Tom Cruise's child goes, and it's none of my business who Anderson Cooper goes home with at night.  Neither of those has any bearing on the way I will live my life tomorrow.  
At the end of the day, I get to choose how I live my life and whether I can live with myself for how I live my life. The outrage in the media lately over lifestyle choices - may they be religious, sexual, or even about whether and when to breast feed a child - only serve to make me consider whether I am living in accordance with my own beliefs and values. 

I believe there is a lot to be said for "live and let live".  If I am appalled by breast feeding in public, I can avert my eyes. If I am appalled by PETA, I can go home and eat a steak.  Moms can still breast feed when and where they need to.  PETA can protest and campaign.  And I can continue to live my life in accordance with the people and values I believe in.  


I am disheartened by the lack of respect I see in general in the world.  Cameras and voice recordings have made it so easy to "out" people in all sorts of beliefs and actions.  I am not defending poor behavior, only saying that I have not always acted completely in line with my own beliefs.  We all make mistakes and we all need room to grow.  I would like to see a world where privacy becomes respected and appreciated again, where discretion is utilized in saying or doing things that are going to affect others, and that we all learn to have a little more tolerance for the rights of others to truly express their individuality in whatever way they choose.

And Then I'm Reminded...

I'm over my tantrum and suddenly the sun starts to come out from behind the clouds and I'm reminded of how fortunate I am. 

I'm so grateful for my support group friends who make me laugh, remind me that I'm important and remind me why I started DBSA Cheyenne in the first place.  

I'm reminded of how much this guy means to me, and how happy we've been in our seven years together.  

I'm reminded of how much this guy loves me, unconditionally, every single day.  

I'm reminded of how much this little guy looks forward to me coming home, even if I've only been to the mailbox and back. 

I'm reminded of the beauty that surrounds me at any given moment, if I just take the time to seek it.

I'm reminded that I don't get to choose what happens in my life, but I always get to decide how I will respond to it, learn from it and allow it to change me for the better. 

I'm reminded that it can always, always be worse, and to just be thankful that I have what I have, who I have and that I'm loved. 

 
I'm reminded that every day, every moment, is a chance to start fresh, and it's up to me to take advantage of that opportunity. 

Life is difficult.  Sometimes it really stinks.  But I have way more good than bad, and I have so much more to look forward to than I have to regret.  

Sometimes I Just Want to Have a Tantrum...

Yes - that's me.  Three days old!

Do you ever just get a little bit tired of being good?  Do you ever have those days when nothing goes your way and you've tried your best to keep your chin up and remember that your problems are minimal in the grand scheme of things, but you'd really just like to throw a fit and be done with it?  

That's pretty much how I've been feeling on a regular basis.  Then I feel guilty for feeling crummy when I have so much to be grateful for, and that just makes me feel even worse!

My emotions have been a bit all over the board lately.  I'm making some big changes in my life, and change is rarely easy.  After months of deliberation, I've decided that I need to get a "baseline" for my health and I've decided to go off of almost all of my medications, antidepressants and mood stabilizers included.  This decision is supported by my psychiatrist and the process is being medically supervised, but it's a complicated experience that has left me completely wrung out both physically and emotionally and mentally.  

One of the medications I have been on for several years is Effexor XR.  From what I have read about psychiatric drug withdrawal, coming off Effexor XR has been compared with withdrawing from heroin.  Having never used heroin, I can't tell you what that withdrawal is like, but I can tell you that withdrawal from Effexor XR is pretty crummy.  Here are some of the symptoms I've been experiencing almost daily:

• sweating while having cold chills 
• nausea and vomiting
• dizziness and motion sickness
• headaches
• inability to hold onto things
• tired and lethargic but being unable to sleep 
• increase in anxiety
• roller coaster emotions - from happy to sad in a short amount of time

The process for tapering off of Effexor XR as outlined by my doctor is as follows.  Effexor XR (and the generic) come in large capsules that can be pulled apart.  Inside the capsules are approximately 100 little beads of varying sizes.  The recommended taper is one bead per day.  That means that to come off of a very high dose that I am on could take almost a year - well over 275 days.  I'm not a patient patient and have pushed the envelope at times and thus experience more side effects from withdrawal than I might if I was more disciplined in my approach.  I'm not recommending anyone follow my lead, I'm just being honest about how I'm handling this. 

I have found in the past year that I have more and more medical conditions that are likely caused by the medications I am taking.  Thus, I am now taking medications to combat side effects of medications.  I felt completely over-medicated and worse yet, despite all these medications, I wasn't feeling particularly great.  So I wanted to know what my "normal" was again, without out this pharmaceutical intervention.  


This is not to say that I won't return to some sort of psychiatric medications to control my depression/bipolar disorder.  I will wait and see how I feel once I am completely off the Effexor XR and the other two psychiatric medications before determining what the next correct choice will be.  


Psychiatric medications come with tremendous benefit to some people, but they are not without a cost.  The side effects - both physical and emotional - can be as debilitating as the illnesses they are meant to correct.  While I was once confident in the use of psychiatric medications to treat my mood disorder, other health problems including a peptic ulcer and restless leg syndrome led me to believe that there might be a better way to manage my mood disorder symptoms while allowing my body to be less severely impacted by countless side effects.  


I have no idea what the right answer is, and no way of knowing if this is the right process, but all I can do is try.  It is a scary journey to know that I could plunge back into the depths of depression that has been all too familiar to me, but it is also encouraging to think that I might be able to manage my health in a way that provides me all-around better management of my body and mind.  


Most days I am optimistic and my grin-and-bear-it attitude keeps my chin up.  Some days, like today, I want to cry, stomp my feet, whimper and curl up in a ball until it's all over.  Of course that is an option, but I'm not really sure it would make me feel much better. I try to find a balance - cleaning part of the house, doing laundry or accomplishing some task and then letting myself have some down time - reading a good book, Pinteresting or just taking a nap.  That is when I really feel best - when I've balanced some accomplishment with some time to take it easy.  


I'm a perfectionist and I like to keep a checklist of accomplishments going.  It's not easy for me to be "sick" and feel like I've done so little in a day, but sometimes that's just what it is.  Some days I can't get anything done, and I have to let that be okay.  Otherwise, it just leads back to depression and disappointment in myself, and that gets me nowhere.  


Finding a balance is such a hard task for me.  I am an all or nothing, black or white kind of person.  I don't like to negotiate, least of all with myself, when I have a list of what I want to get done.  Learning to give myself a break and accept that my best is good enough is tougher than the withdrawal symptoms!  But my best really does have to be enough, and I have to accept that my best doesn't always measure up to the ideals and level of perfection that I imagine it should be, and that pouting about what I am not will get me nowhere.  

While a tantrum might feel necessary every now and then, it really wouldn't serve me any better than my perfectionist tendencies do!

10, 11, 12, 13 & 14 Things...

I read MANY blogs each day, mostly for inspiration for remodeling the home, inspiration for crafting or inspiration for writing.  Here are my top five favorite blogs.

#10  A Beautiful Ripple Effect 
Carolyn Rubenstein has a knack for focusing on the positive, perseverance and gratitude.  Always motivational, always thought-provoking.

#11 NieNiedialogues 
Stephanie Nielson was already a popular blogger when she and her husband were in a plane crash.  She was burned over 80% of her body, was in a coma for 3 months, and went through agony to recover.  She's still recovering, and her motivational story is one of the most inspiring I have ever read.  Check out her blog for updates on living life with serious injuries, but read her new book, Heaven is Here, for the amazing complete story.

#12 Ali Edwards 
Mom and scrapbooker Ali Edwards has an amazing take on photography and memory keeping.  She is always an inspiration when my own scrapbooking needs a jumpstart.

#13 Thrifty Decor Chic
I never run out of fun ideas to try after perusing this blog.  I still want to paint my French Doors black, and I will - eventually.  This gal has the goods on home remodel ideas, tips and overall inspiration.  

#14  Personal Excellence Blog
I am all about self improvement and I read a lot of self-help focused books and blogs.  This one is my favorite.  I can always count on advice that I can put into action when I check this one out. 

#5-9 of 21 Things...All About Books!

Today's post is for my fellow literature nerds.  Here are some uber great places to find new reads, read about reading, or find inspirational literary related goodness.

#5:  The Book Seer

This gentleman will help you find a list of books you should check out.  Simply tell him the name of the latest great book you read and the author and he gives you a list of suggestions.  

They link right to Amazon so you can see if they're available for your Kindle or buy them or just price them and add them to your wish list for later. 

#6 is my personal favorite - the Literature-Map site.   Simply plug in an author you like:

And it gives you a map of other authors you might find interesting.  The closer two names are, the more likely you will like both of them.  Simply click a name to get a literature map of that person.  I love the animation and the juxtaposition of so many great writers.  A fun little cloud of names!

#7:  Unshelved?  A fun look at all the craziness that happens in libraries.  His comics are often hilarious!

#8:  Want a peek at handwritten draft of Harry Potter?  This and a million other fascinating literary artifacts are just a click away at The British Library.

#9:  Fifty of the Most Inspiring Quotes about Books and Reading.  That one pretty much explains itself.  But here's one of my favorites:

There are perhaps no days of our childhood we lived so fully as those we spent with a favorite book.

–Marcel Proust

Have fun exploring these websites!  And don't forget to share some of your favorites with me!

Bargains...

Who doesn't love a bargain?  I know I do.  One of my favorite websites is www.retailmenot.com.  This site allows me to look for available coupons for both in-store and online purchases.  Sometimes the coupons are for a percentage off the total, sometimes they are buy one get one free, and often I can find codes for free shipping!  The discounts can really add up and make a difference in my budget.

No matter what I'm shopping for, but especially if it's online, I check out this site to see if there is a discount available.  It's especially helpful for purchases from pricier merchants.  I plug the business name or website into RetailMeNot, and it gives me a list of possible coupons as well as information on how recently they were used, the success rate of their use, and possible expiration dates.  Sometimes it gives a direct link to the coupon - like those I need to print out to take into the store.  Other times it just gives me the promotion code to enter during the checkout process online.  


Some retailers let me use multiple codes - that is, I might get a percentage off AND free shipping.  Others only let me use one.  For those, I plug in one code and note the final price, then plug in the other and see which is the better deal.  It all depends on the retailer. Some charge a steep shipping and handling fee, so it might be better to go with the free shipping.  But, if it's a big or expensive purchase, a percentage or dollar off coupon might get me the better deal.  It's a little bit of trial and error sometimes, but it can mean a sizable discount if I take the time to experiment.  


For example, let's look at Franklin Covey.  I love their planner accessories, and I've been wanting a new planner shell for sometime.  But I'm not in love with their prices.  However, if I plug in Franklin Covey, I get the following available offers: 

• 15% off orders of $65 or more
• 15% off of any size order
• Free shipping on orders of $75 or more

Obviously, if I'm spending over $65, it doesn't matter which 15% code I use.  And the free shipping over $75 doesn't require a code - it's an automatic discount once my cart has $75 worth of product in it.  This means that if I spent over $75, I would get 15% off AND free shipping.  However, if my discount code brings my total below $75, the free S&H doesn't apply.  All of this must be considered before determining the best deal. I may have to remove the first offer code to try the second, but sometimes the retailer will evaluate which coupon gives me the better deal and selects for me.  In this instance, though, I could easily save $20 off $100. 

For stores that nearly always have a weekly coupon available for in-store use (i.e. Michaels and Hobby Lobby), I can just go to RetailMeNot to get the latest ones available instead of searching each retailer's entire site for the coupon or link.  This makes it easy to print them out before I head out the door.  

Not every retailer has coupons available, and not all of the ones listed always work, but it's worth checking to see if any apply to my purchases.  I often sit down with my shopping list and see what coupons are available for the items I need.  I also try to figure out if I can order them online at a better price than in-store.  This has the added bonus of them arriving in my mailbox or on my porch instead of me trying to find them in the store only to discover they're sold out or finding fifteen other items I think I "need" when I went in for just one.  

RetailMeNot isn't the only place to look for discounts and promotion codes.  Several similar sites are out there and are just as good, but this one is my favorite for its simplicity and because I'm familiar with it.  It's saved me substantial money and it's always a bit fun to mess around with the various codes and find the best deal.